Moment of reflection...

With my birthday month coming to a close, tonight was the last meeting I got to say, hi I'm Melissa and I am an alcoholic and I had 6 years on the 15th.  It has been a great month of reflection.  Remembering what it used to be like and what it is like today.  A sharp contrast to say the least.

There was a woman at tonight's meeting with 6 days, crying out to be done, speaking of powerlessness and unmanageablity.  It took me back to that first meeting.  Sobbing.  Miserable.  Hopeless.  In disbelief that this is what my life had become.  I was an alcoholic.  I had become what I said I never would...my father. 

I hear people talk about how it quit working for them at the end and how unmanageable their lives had become.  In it, I had no idea that this was my truth.  It had stopped working to just drink on the weekends.  Then it stopped working to drink only after I got home from work.  It eventually quit working to try to control it at all.  All of my nevers had become reality.  I needed to be drunk 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  There were only about 4-5 hours during the day that I wasn't putting in and somehow this didn't register as a problem to me.  The denial was so powerful.

It didn't seem wrong to have no recollection of teaching 5th and 6th period, driving from there to pick up my 2 and 4 year old.  It seemed normal to stop at the liquor store every morning, not being able to wait until that first drink began to quiet the storm ravaging my mind and body.  The twenty empty vodka bottles in my car went unnoticed by me, that is until my husband lined them all up on the kitchen counter.  Even then I was like...and?  I never had any desire or saw a point in doing it any differently than how I was doing it, completely and utterly wasted.  Each day needing to drink more than the last, in the end it still not being enough to escape the hopeless existence my life had become.

The hopeless existence I speak of was a complete spiritual bankruptcy.  I thought there were no real consequences for my drinking.  I still had my job, my house, and my family for the moment.  No Dui's.  No jail.  No CPS.  Not because I shouldn't have had those things happen.  I was just never caught.  All my yets...still waiting for me.

My bottom consisted of me caring of nothing but my next drink, being completely resentful of my children and husband for being a distraction from that oblivion, absent and unavailable, and having not one clear moment for last six months.  My consequences were there.  I was just unable to register them because from the outside it all still looked presentable.

I never want to forget that hopelessness.  I never want to forget getting caught by my husband driving drunk with the kids that last night.  Him saying, this is it!  Get help or get out!  I never want to forget that I am powerless over alcohol and all that unamanageability that waits for me, so patiently.  That last drunk, that hopeless state, and all those yets are the tape I play for myself when that crazy thought occurs to me that maybe I could control it this time, maybe I am not really an alcoholic, maybe I am cured.

When I remember to be grateful, I recognize how awesome my life is today.   I have hope.  I feel like a woman of worth.  I am present for my children, family and friends.  Life stills happens.  There is no denying that.  I don't do it perfectly.  I can still make it unmanageable, but if I am willing, the solution is there to do it differently.  I can walk through anything, with grace and integrity.  Today, I am filled with gratitude to have that choice.

Becoming present

In the midst of it all, no one could have convinced me that I was not a present mother.  I was there everyday.  I made breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I took them to school.  I picked them up.  They got bathed every night, teeth brushed, clean clothes.  There are plenty of pictures to prove my existence. 

What those pictures won't show is that I was at least a bottle deep at any given moment.  My body was there.  I performed my duties, filled with resentment.  I sat there outside every night in that vacant drunk cloud, in that blue chair, watching them play, glass in hand.  I was there, but I wasn't, not really.

My day today...I took them to school.  I picked them up.  I made dinner.  They got baths, teeth brushed, clean clothes.  Pictures to prove my existence.  The difference...we had fun together.  We played.  We talked.  I listened to their day and shared mine.  The stupid TV was off.  Engaged in an intense Mamma Mia dance off.  Made beautiful memories.   I was here and I really was, loving every minute of it!

Extreme Hot Wheels race, leaving massive toy explosion in the dust.

August 11, 2009...the decision

I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the past month, with my sobriety birthday looming on the horizon and all.  I have been thinking about where I was last year in comparison to this year and it stills amazes me how much of a night and day contrast they are. 

The following journal entry was made after the famous meeting with my sponsor, in which I told her I was miserable and done, but I was willing to give it one more real shot.  If it didn't work, which I was convinced it would not, I was done trying...my old friend alcohol and I were reuniting.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had never really been willing to give my recovery 100%.  Now that I read it however, it sounds a lot more positive than I remember feeling.  Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the journal entry... 

COMING UP ON 5 YEARS SOBER  8/11/09

Coming up on five years sober, I expected thing to be quite a bit different. In sobriety, I have gotten a divorce, lost my job, been very close to killing myself, spent about 3 months in the psych ward, and lost what I thought was the love of my life. Through it all I have not had to pick up a drink and have had many times of peace and serenity, but for the last year I have had no emotional sobriety at all. It is a miserable place to be.


The thing is, I know the right things to do in order to get there. I have know them from probably the first six months of sobriety, but the weird thing is, on a regular basis, I choose not do them. I choose not to do this simple program which will bring me to a place where I can be happy, joyous, and free.


With 33 days until my fifth year that all changes. I have decided to give this program my all and prove to myself that I can be in the best place in my life by doing these few simple things, praying and writing daily, going to a meeting every day that I don’t have my children, calling my sponsor for a daily check in and starting over with the steps. This is my challenge for myself and hopefully my gift to myself for my fifth year of sobriety.
 

Well, I have to report that none of the outside stuff has changed...still not working in my field, still struggling with relationships, money sucks, kids are challenging.  The difference comes in my attitude towards it all.  Gratitude for practice.  Doing what's in front of me.  Surrendering what's out of my control.  I am definitely not happy all the time, but I can find peace anytime I make the conscious choice.  I'll take that for today.

Fun? In Sobriety?

I'm pretty sure I thought I would never have fun again.  Not sober!!  I needed at least 3 drinks of the liquid courage to be able to talk to people and at least 10 to do anything as crazy as karaoke or dancing.  Bowling?  Boring.  Lunch with friends?  Boring.  First dates?  Relationships?  Sober sex?  Scary!!  Get some drinks in me though and I was the life of any party.  I thought that Me was dead forever the minute I walked through the doors.

What a crazy thought that turned out to be.  Today, I can sing my ass off to band hero, dance my ass off at the club, even just hang out with friends and have a fantastic time, all sober.  Dating, relationships, sex...check, check, and check. 

I have found that this inside job has lead me to self love, resulting in self confidence.  Not better than, but right sized.  I can definitely still  feel less than.  I still hate rejection.  Most of the time though, I can be okay with being just me, being enough.  Wow, how this has let me not care so much what other people think about me.  There is such a huge freedom in that.  Today, I love my life and I am so grateful for the friends that help to make it that way!!

The Start of the Journey

Six years ago today, I took my last drink.  One last willful swig and a full bottle of vanilla Absolut fell reluctantly into the trash between the pumps of that am/pm.  I thought my life was over.  And it was.  That life.  That state of hopeless mind and body.  I had no idea the journey that was to begin that day.

Today, however, is not my sobriety birthday.  For about two weeks after that I was still stealing my husband's codeine to sleep, which I found out later was...let's just say...'frowned upon'.  So, after about six months, I picked a safe date, a date I knew that I was really clean.  Not knowing what the real date was, I flipped through the Daily Reflections and found a reading that spoke to me.

September 15

A New Life

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that.  It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Life will mean something at last.  AA Big Book p 152

Yes!!  That's what I found.  A way to do things differently.  A way to change my life.  A way to make it mean something and become present for the ones in it, instead of being the checked out mother, wife, sister, daughter, teacher I had become.  The hopeless, broken, 'Crazy Me' found a place where other people told the same stories and had the same feelings.  They welcomed me, told me to keep coming back.  I saw that they were happy and I wanted that too.  I believed them.  I just kept believing, even when I didn't.  The only thing that I had to do perfectly was just not to pick up, no matter how badly I wanted to.  I finally got it.  It took me five long, long years, but I finally got it.  

Is my life always well and wonderful??  Hell no!!  Life still happens.  My stuff is still unmanageable sometimes.  I still struggle with money, my ex's, relationships, my kids, work.  My glaring character defects still jump up and slap me and others in the face.  There are still days that I want to close the blinds, lock the door and not talk to anyone.  The difference today is that I don't have to hide from any of it.  I don't have to use something to escape it.  I can feel it.  I can face it head on.  I can have peace and serenity through it all.  The disclaimer here is...if I choose to.   Today, I do. 

Thank you to my family and my ex husband.  Thank you Never on Tuesdays.  Thank you B, S, K, J, J, M, M, L, C.  Thank you to my two fantastic sponsers.  Thank you CDRP.  And thank you 'Crazy Me' for finally having some willingness. 

Not feeling it

Right now, in this moment, I am not feeling it.  I am not feeling connected...not at all, not one bit.  Kids are fighting.  Money SUCKS!  Love hurts.  And, I am stuck in this gigantic pity pot!!

What I do know from experience is that I can sit in this shit and spin out of control and ultimately cause some sort of wreckage that I will have to clean up...or, I can do something to get myself out of it.  I am always afraid to try to do the things that I know have worked in the past because I am so scared that they won't work this time and I won't find peace.  I am terrified that if they don't work, it will destroy my faith in the process.  I don't know why I still cling to the belief that I am that fragile.  Things that I am talking about are writing about it, talking about it and praying about it.  I know in the past, it gets me to a point to turn it, whatever it is, over to the care of God as I understand God, but I am always afraid to do it. 

What if it doesn't work this time, then what?  I will have to drink, that's what!  If I just hold on to it, I won't be disappointed and I, and all of my self will, will figure a way out of it.  Or, this is too big, even for my God to handle!!  (All my stupid self talk)

When I first started trying this I did it with urges to drink.  Wanting to drink so bad.  Deciding to drink.  Driving up to the liquor store..  I would sit out front with every intention of doing it, saying, "fuck this and fuck AA!"  For some reason, every time, I paused to say a little dare prayer to my God..."I'm gonna do it!!  But, if you want to help, be my guest." 

Once I went into the store, went up to the guy behind the counter and said I wanted cigarettes.  The next thing out of my mouth was going to be, "and some vanilla Absolute".  Before I could say that next part he said, "I quit smoking 20 years ago.  I quit drinking 30 years ago"  In my mind, I was like, "FUCK!!  Why, why, why, are you telling me this??"  I was able to say however, "Wow, I have like 6 months" and walk out with just the smokes.  Another time, same dare prayer, I walked in and there was an AM radio show playing in the store about AA.  Another time, again, dare prayer, one of my students was in line behind me. 

Coincidences?  Maybe.  I like to believe that by pausing and uttering those words, I was having the smallest amount of willingness and surrender, even if they were irreverent and contemptuous.  I think had I not uttered those words outside the store, it wouldn't have matter if there was an entire marching band, with 'don't do it banners' and horns singing the praises of AA, carrying Bill W. himself on their shoulders...I would not have seen anything but exactly what I wanted to see, which was a big bottle of relief with the label vodka on the side.

Every time it has worked.  I find peace and serenity every time I am willing.  Each time my faith has grown.  I am not quite as irreverent and contempuous as I used to be.  I have gotten to the point that I trust that it might work with every area of my life.  I have tried it with the big stuff...financial insecurity, my divorce, love, my children, losing jobs, finding a new place to live and yes, even on Crazy Me.  I have seen it work time and time again.

So, here I am, writing about it, trying to talk myself into the fact that everything is just fine, in this moment.  For today I will trust that my HP has my back!!

What do ya know...I feel better!!