Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Finding my Happiness

So my journey has helped me to remember this important life lesson. Feeling very grateful.

And now a clip from one of my favorite movies...the power has been within me the whole time!!!

Numb...

So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

amazing...

I am so filled with gratitude today. I absolutely love my life. It's not because I have money, a great house, my dream job, but because of the peace and love that have become such a daily presence in it.

When I came into recovery I never imagined how completely different my life could be. I really expected nothing more than to learn how to stop drinking. Actually, let's be honest. I hope you people would show me how to do it successfully. I didn't know that I had a living problem. What I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is how to do my life differently, how to walk through it, instead of checking out. I have gained the ability to find peace amongst the chaos. I have learned that suffering is optional, as is finding happiness. Today I choose to be willing to find my joy, despite my circumstances. It is a fantastic place to be and I am loving this journey!

An evening outside myself

After taking care of business this morning, I determined that my head would not be the best place for me this evening.  What I have learned is, the easiest way for me to get out of that spinning mess is to be of service to another suffering alcoholic.  Tonight's executed plan worked, just as it always does...MAGIC!! 

I met with one of my sponsees, picked up some newcomers for my favorite meeting, went to coffee, chaired a meeting, and got a new sponsee in the process.  Gotta love the simplicity of this program...trust god, clean house, work with others.  Result...peace, quiet contentment, and gratitude.  It always works and I am always amazed. 

Thanks to all those in my life that make it so frickin fantastic!!

Peace within the Hula Hoop

The overwhelming emotions of last night have subsided, transforming into a peaceful sadness that I have done the next right thing.  Now, my next course of action is to wait, pray and surrender.  As my sponsor would say, once I've done my part, wrap them all up in a blanket and give them to my HP to take care of (and yes the ex is included in there, wrapped up much, much tighter than the others :). 

I have made these phone calls before with no results.  What I know is, I have no control over the results, only my part in doing the next right thing.  As much as I would love to control, manipulate, and change the actions and behaviors of others, there is such a freedom in realizing I have no control over them, just me and what's inside this hula hoop.  That powerless feeling slips away and is replaced with peace.  It's so exhausting trying to arrange all the players anyway, especially when I have so much on my plate just trying to keep all of my own craziness in check.  It's a gift to understand that they have their path and I have mine.  

  

New Baby...

My sister is having a baby today!!!  This last few weeks have been especially stressful for our entire family.  Her first son had some scary complications during the birth and has a shoulder disability as a result.  That day was easily one of the scariest days of my life. 

So, we have all been more than a little nervous about how today would go and are all handling it in our own ways.   Cesarean or not, has been the question from the beginning.   Well, today is the day.  Now more than a week overdue, she is being induced to see how labor progresses, but a baby is guaranteed before days end.  I thought I would be freaking out this morning, but having this relationship with my HP, surrendering the outcome, and trusting that all will work out just as it should is very comforting right now...

Too Happy...scary!!

Just woke from my peaceful slumber to feelings of PANIC. 

I am way too happy! 

My life has shown me that it never lasts, so prepare yourself.  My head still can tell me you don't deserve it, you are a fraud.  Run, run, run before you get hurt.  Don't let anyone too close, you can't trust them.

I don't want to do this today.  I don't.  I want to stay present to experience the joy in my life without the question of, how long will it last this time?   Questioning it keeps me from giving myself fully to it.  Staying in this moment, right here, allows me to silence my scared, misdirected Crazy Melissa and find serenity.  So, hanging up my future tripping crown for the night and attempting to find my peaceful slumber again.

What a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful weekend

Life really is rockin right now!  I really can't imagine being happier.  Well I could, but that's just crazy talk!  It is definitely not because life has stopped happening...work sucked Friday, 'lost' more than half of what I made, got in a fight with one of my favorite co-workers, came home to a bathroom flooded in two inches of water, and our kitten ran away this morning (yes, the same one I called an asshole a week ago...feeling kinda crappy about that now). 

The perfectly fantastic part, to me, was not letting any of that outside stuff steal my serenity.  The kids and I have had so much fun this weekend...slumber party with my son's best friend, baked cookies, did not burn dinner for a change, two trips to the pool, loads of fun at the park, where I shot hoops for the first time in years, and of course lots of singing, dancing and playing of the guitar.

It could have been so much different had I chose to sit in the seemingly bad.  A quick call to my sponsor, reaching out to other suffering alcoholics, and getting into gratitude helped to change my perspective and allowed me to not miss being present for the two loves of my life.  It works...it really does!!

No Matter What

Not having to pick up no matter what, has felt like the theme of the last few meetings I have been to. 

Yesterday in a meeting, the chair shared how he has walked through so much in recovery, including the death of his 29 year old son at 13 years sober.  He said that, although it was one of the most painful experiences of his life and the urge to escape was overwhelming, he was at a meeting 500 miles from home, six hours later.  And what do you know, he heard exactly what he needed to hear.  He ran into a man that had lost his daughter at 9 years sober.  He was celebrating 9 months that day.  What he shared was simple but profound, 'When I came to, my daughter was still dead.  It changed nothing.'.  All the feelings were still there waiting for him, but were now compounded by guilt and shame and all the wreckage to clean up.

I felt compelled to share this story at the meeting I went to tonight after someone shared the pain she was experiencing as a result of a friend's suicide over the weekend.  Today she was celebrating 13 years clean and as much as she wanted to run, she had not. 

What I know from my own experience is life is going to continue to happen.  For me...divorce, loss of my job and my home, loss of love, severe depression, difficult people, places and things.  Nowhere is it promised to be perfect.  What is promised is that I will have a new way to get through it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, but through it none the less.  I don't have to pick up NO MATTER WHAT!!  And the great thing is, if I use the tools I have been blessed to learn in this program, I can have peace amongst the storm.  What a gift!!

What's my motivation? Fuck...nevermind.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than when I tell my sponsor my next big plan and she asks me that question...What's your motivation Melissa?  If I'm honest with her and more importantly with myself, my answer usually turns out to be that I am trying to somehow manipulate the person or situation to get my way, to make someone see my point of view, or seething in my resentment and self righteous anger, feel the need punish someone for some perceived wrong doing.

Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance.  Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to.  Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me.  If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part.  If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive.  Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone!  I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.

Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision.  My reality is just that...my reality.  I can allow others to experience their dream.  One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?  Is arguing here worth losing my serenity?  My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids.  Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces.  My tables do not require my judgement.  None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind.   I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.

The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation.  In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way.  When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.

When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself.  If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.

Needed the serenity prayer tonight for sure

The whole story is not important.  A rotten banana, an ex, and me with two paths to choose from.  The end result was feeling like I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that would have baffle the crap out of me in the past and would have resulted in me acting like a complete asshole. I still feel like I have been hit by the sad train, but also feel like the big girl panties are firmly in place.

As always, the only thing I have control over is me and my reactions to other people's behavior.    What I wanted to do and what actually happened turned out to be two completely different things. 

Hello first instinct.  Nice to hear from you and thanks for sharing. 

I can't say enough for that trusty tool of pausing.  After pausing for what felt like an eternity, probably only 5 seconds in reality, I was hit with words that did not feel like my own and actions that were contrary to my nature. 

After a 911 call to my sponsor, prayer, writing a post that I have since edited, more prayer and more writing, my anger has transformed into disbelief, shock to sadness, hurt to acceptance, acceptance to serenity, with no misbehavior in between on my part to clean up.  This looks so much different then a list of actions I would have taken in the past and certainly has prodigious results for this alcoholic.

In this moment, I am sad. It hurts, but I can sit with it. The whole body tornado feeling is gone. I am not feeling the need to run or go out and cause wreckage. I am feeling grateful for the opportunity to practice acting like my best self and staying on my side of the street. I definitely would have acted differently in the past, but today after pausing, I acted in a way that was in accordance with the person I want to be.  On this night, I am grateful for living the promise of intuitively knowing how to deal with situations that used to baffle me.

Thanks HP...

Self Pity...what a beast!!

Not getting what I want and what I think I need, in the time frame I think I want and need it, which is RIGHT NOW!!.  (sigh...and a big fat poor me)

The first place I go to is the ginormous, black cave of my self pity.  Fuck it's lonely in there, even when I'm not alone.   Luckily today, that cave feels so uncomfortable that I don't like to set up camp there for long.  Instead, if I am willing to be willing, I reluctantly pick up the new tools in my belt to dig myself out and find the sunlight of the spirit.  Go to a meeting.  Work with others.  Talk about it.  Write about it.  Surrender it.   Get into acceptance and let go.   Trust.

The result is not a jump up and down kind of happiness, but a quiet peace and serenity.  I can be useful to my fellows in this place, out of that ridiculous place where it is all about me. 

The feeling of uselessness and self pity slipping away...

I feel a tantrum coming on...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Whenever I feel like this, the source is almost always fear and the tantrum almost always consists of me behaving badly, making choices that do not have my best interests at heart,.  So, for a few minutes of escape and relief, I pay the price.  It never leaves me feeling any better and almost always results in the 'big stupid mess' to clean up, including all the guilt and shame. 

For the first 5 years of sobriety, I beat myself up that this was still my go to place.  Still my first thoughts.  I felt like I must be doing something wrong in my recovery if I my first instinct was to still drink, die, or run and reek havoc.  The resolution I have come to today is that my old thinking and that dark place inside me may never go away.  As uncomfortable as that is, there is hope in knowing that if I pause, I can usually find the healthy me.  The one that can write about it, talk about it, pray about it.   The one that has learned positive ways to deal with my feelings.  The relief is usually not as immediate, but the effect definitely more lasting.

So tonight, I will be writing about these fears and letting them go.  I will be doing what's in front of me.  I will take control over what I can, which is my behavior and my actions.  And, have faith that peace and serenity will soon follow.

Surrender

Today I am sitting at home with the kids, instead of going to work...ruff morning.  We have been watching Home Alone 2,  I have been contemplating surrender. 

Perfect topic at last night's meeting.  My sponsor and I meet before that meeting every week and every single week, no matter what my struggle has been, what we talked about always seems to be the topic.  She jokes that she calls ahead to let them know and she has started asking me what it's gonna be before we leave, but I believe everyone probably hears exactly what they need to hear, if they are willing to listen.

Back to Home Alone, there's the part where Kevin is torturing the two men and he shouts, "Have you had enough pain yet?"  The guy slams his hands willfully on his hips and shouts, "Never!!"

I cannot count how many times I have continued to beat my head against whatever brick wall is blocking my path,  trying to force my will or refusing to 'let go', shouting NEVER!!  What am I honestly losing by letting go of things I can do nothing about?  My answer...nothing but the stress, pain, anger, self pity, etc. that goes with it.  What do I gain?  If I take care of the things within my control and do the next right thing, I get peace and serenity and the feeling that the universe has my back.

My sponsor also said something yesterday that stuck with me.   Paraphrasing...I hold on so tightly to things I think are mine.  Whether it be people, jobs, things, or my own character defects, I keep them in a death grip.  Just because I let go doesn't mean I can't take it back at anytime.  I'm not going to forget how to be a bitch.  I'm not going to forget how to drink.  I'm not going to forget how to be impatience, procrastinate, or be judgemental.  I can go back to it anytime I want.  For today, I'm choosing to surrender to the universe my car and all it's problems, that my bills will get paid when I do, expectations about relationships, and that my kids needed me today more than my work.  For today I will trust that as long as I take care of the things I can control, the universe will take care of the rest.

It's not going to be alright...it already is.

I heard something tonight that I had totally forgotten about...it's not going to be alright.  It already is.  What a beautiful statement about living in this moment, right here.  Not in the moment of my last mistake, my current heartbreak or my financial insecurity.  Not in the future, where I can dream up the biggest fantasy of grandeur or the most devastating disaster.  Right here, writing this, on my couch nothing can take me out of my own place of peace and serenity...unless I let it. 

Today, I will give no power to my fears.  'I will not feed the parasite (Ruiz)'.

Lesson Learned???

So I totally get that 'it' is about progress, not perfection, but WTF.  How many times do I need to keep repeating the same mistakes and getting similar, if not identical, results before I learn the life lesson the universe is trying so desperately to teach me and decide that I want to try things differently.  My answer...as many times as I am willing to face the consequences.   

Whether it be something as simple as putting gas as in my car, or things that are more life changing like continuing in bad relationships or causing myself financial insecurity, or the everyday battle of sitting in my spinning, cotton candy machine, of a head...they all have avoidable consequences, when I make a conscious decision to do something in my own best interest. 

I have learned that I am willing to put up with a lot of consequences and play the victim.  I have also learned that when I am in fear or my life feels unmanageable, my self will takes over and tries to gain some semblance of control,  with more often than not, disastrous results.  I don't want to feel powerless, sadness, anger or discomfort of any kind and will do anything to escape it!!  

There definitely is a different path for me.  In my experience, all it takes is having the willingness to do something different!!  It might be uncomfortable, but when is change not and ultimately if a little discomfort will bring me the peace, serenity, and freedom from bondage I have been so desperately seeking...BRING IT ON!!  For today, I am choosing to sit with my discomfort.  I don't need to run.  I don't need to fix it.  I don't need to punish myself.  I am okay right here, right now...just as I am.  To the guitar...