Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

An evening outside myself

After taking care of business this morning, I determined that my head would not be the best place for me this evening.  What I have learned is, the easiest way for me to get out of that spinning mess is to be of service to another suffering alcoholic.  Tonight's executed plan worked, just as it always does...MAGIC!! 

I met with one of my sponsees, picked up some newcomers for my favorite meeting, went to coffee, chaired a meeting, and got a new sponsee in the process.  Gotta love the simplicity of this program...trust god, clean house, work with others.  Result...peace, quiet contentment, and gratitude.  It always works and I am always amazed. 

Thanks to all those in my life that make it so frickin fantastic!!

Are you kidding??

The time...5 am. 

The call...

HER:  have you been drinking?? 

ME:  What??  Are you kidding??

I could hear in her voice that everything was not okay.  She was calling for a ride to the hospital, as a result of getting her ass kicked last night while drunk.  She called me because she knows I don't drink.  I spent some time on the phone with her, but I had kids in bed sleeping.  I called some of our friends, but of course no one answered...5 am!  I told her to take a cab and I would pick her up after I dropped kids off at school this morning.

She is definitely one of us.  It sucks, but I pray daily that she hits her bottom soon.

Being back in the restaurant business has changed the face of some of my friends.  I love these girls I work with, but it feels scarily familiar to the old days.  Nights at the club, picking up drunk friends, crazy calls and texts at all hours...straight drama.  I am finding myself questioning how healthy this is and if this is what I want my life to look like today.  Where is the line between being a good friend and being codependent??  Am I being example that you don't have to drink to have fun or just putting myself into situations, that one day, when I'm not feeling spiritually fit, will give me the perfect opportunity to say FUCK IT?!  Is this what the hand of AA looks like or is it me trying to cling onto my past??

Just trying to figure out my motives here...

The hand of AA

I was on my way to my regular Tuesday night of sponsor, step work and meeting when I got the call.  One of my friends with about 30 days went out.  She called me from the bar. 

FUCK!!  Pick up the stupid phone before you drink!!

She asked me to come pick her up, so I did.  What a reminder of exactly what I look like and more importantly, what I feel like when I am drinking.  In a few words...miserable, hopeless, and bankrupt. 

I am so grateful tonight to know that there is a solution.  I am grateful that I am willing to use the tools to get and keep me in a place of peace and serenity, despite life happening.  I am grateful for a higher power working in my life, even if I don't always understand the plan.   I am grateful to an awesome sponsor, my supportive friends and family.  I am grateful  for my life today and everything in it, the seemingly good and the seemingly bad.

Not to leave the story unfinished, we are going to a meeting tomorrow.  What an honor to be in a place to be the hand of AA tonight!

What a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful weekend

Life really is rockin right now!  I really can't imagine being happier.  Well I could, but that's just crazy talk!  It is definitely not because life has stopped happening...work sucked Friday, 'lost' more than half of what I made, got in a fight with one of my favorite co-workers, came home to a bathroom flooded in two inches of water, and our kitten ran away this morning (yes, the same one I called an asshole a week ago...feeling kinda crappy about that now). 

The perfectly fantastic part, to me, was not letting any of that outside stuff steal my serenity.  The kids and I have had so much fun this weekend...slumber party with my son's best friend, baked cookies, did not burn dinner for a change, two trips to the pool, loads of fun at the park, where I shot hoops for the first time in years, and of course lots of singing, dancing and playing of the guitar.

It could have been so much different had I chose to sit in the seemingly bad.  A quick call to my sponsor, reaching out to other suffering alcoholics, and getting into gratitude helped to change my perspective and allowed me to not miss being present for the two loves of my life.  It works...it really does!!

What keeps me coming back??

I talked to a sponsee tonight and she shared with me the topic of the meeting she went to tonight...what keeps me coming back?

What does keep me coming back? 

For the longest time, fear was my major motivator.  I was so terrified I was going to drink, which would mean losing my babies.  I did it for them and only them for a long, long time.  So, going to meetings gave me the support to believe I could do it one more day, one more miserable day.  If I planned on going to a meeting, I probably wouldn't drink before hand and I usually heard something that kept me driving down the freeway and straight home, holding my breath as I passed all my favorite places.

The motivation has changed today however.  I like the peace I have found in my life, I enjoy being happy, and I try like hell to keep it.  I go to meetings, work with others, talk to newcomers, give rides because it reminds me of that old place I used to live in and the place I do not want to revisit.  My crazy me is kept in check.  I go because I always hear what I need to hear.  I hear how someone else has walked through exactly what I am attempting to walk through and they didn't have to pick up or act a fool.  I am not terminally unique.  I go because that is where I am reminded that it really is simple, if I am willing.  I go to give back what has been given to me.

When I first came in, I thought I would learn a few tricks to stay sober and that would be that.  I couldn't understand why people with 30 years were still going to meetings...they must be slow learners.  Today I know that I have learned a different way to live, happy and peaceful.  I have a daily reprieve, contingent on my spiritual maintenance.  I can't wait to be that 60 year old woman sitting there with 30 years, still willing and still teachable.

I LOVE Wednesdays!!

I had been out of the official service commitment arena for probably the last 2 years.    No committed sponsees.  No secretary positions.  Not a greeter.  Not pouring coffee.  Not really even talking at meetings.  Go figure, I felt pretty disconnected and definitely not in the center.  When I decided to pick up my recover last August, the thought of service really didn't enter my mind.  I committed to write every day, call my sponsor more regularly, work the steps again, and go to meetings when I didn't have children (2 one week and 5 the next), but not service.  I think that shows how in my head I was.  Not a good place for this alcoholic to be!!

So, back to why I love Wednesdays.  About four months ago, there was an announcement about teleservice at a meeting that I wasn't even suppose to be at. 

Quick story...I was crying my eyes out that day. I wanted to pack it in. I was in full self destruction mode. I paused, thankfully, and remembered that a meeting might take me out of it and if it didn't I could always self destruct after that. I went to the meeting...it was canceled. FUCK!! Alright, self destruct time.

                              Pause. Prayer.

I decided to go home and look for another meeting. Cool, another meeting very close. I drove over there. It was in some apartment complex. Couldn't find it. FUCK!!

Pause. Prayer.

I called my sponsor in tears as I continued to look. She patiently talked me down, like she always does and told me about another meeting across town that I could make if I left right then. I made that meeting. It was not canceled and it was right where it was suppose to be. I was so pissed though. First, I had been driving around and looking for 2 hours and second, when I got there it was a podium meeting and I had signed that stupid list (I haven't shared this yet, but I hate, hate, hate to talk in meetings and standing up at a podium...screw that. But, I committed to be willing to do anything for my recovering, so...) . Of course I got called on and I talked. And I felt better. 

I knew in that moment, the reason I was suppose to be at that meeting...I needed to get into service.  I gave the girl my number and started like a month later.

I was terrified that first night, but it was fantastic.  I got 12 calls!!  Most just looking for a meeting, hopefully that they all found without 2 hours of searching, and a few that needed more than that.  Some with two days, others with years.  Some probably drunk.  Some fresh off a relapse.  Some from out of town.  Some just wanting to talk.  All, however, took me out of myself from 5-9 and have every week since.  Magic!!  I love Wednesdays!!

Service...what a gift

When I started sponsoring other women, I was so excited to give back what was so freely given to me.  To somehow put a dent in the debt I thought I owed.  To share my experience, strength and hope with someone else.  To share with someone how I have gone from the point of feeling like I could never quit drinking, being completely broken, knowing I was a total piece of shit and thinking that I would never be able to do things any differently, to the place I am at today...truly believing that I am a woman of worth, doing my best to be the woman I was meant to be (most days...progress, not perfection).  What a gift!

What I didn't expect was how much this act would help me.  There is nothing like working with another addict to get me out of myself.  My sick head shuts up, my racing and obsessive thinking stops, and my self pity slips away.  Suddenly, I am not in my head.  I am in the solution, my recovery gets stronger, and I stay clean another day.  I would say that these women will never know the gift they have given to me, but I believe they will someday, when they share their experience, strength and hope with someone else and they give and get that gift back.

Shout out to my girls...Thank you for being a part of my recovery.  Thank you for allowing me the honor and privilege to be your sponsor.  I love you.