Why is letting go so freakin Hard!!!

I am having so much trouble letting go. I don't want to is the major problem, I think. But, I am so tired of being sad. So tired of crying. So, so tired.

Everyday, I pray for help in surrendering, willingness, and courage to take action toward the positive and to do my HP's will. I can say, without a doubt, I am doing better than I was 3 months ago with this, but I get so discouraged when something comes up to remind me of the loss, or the good times, or the uncertainity, and I end up crying. The improvement is that I don't let it immobilize me like I did before. I don't let it steal all of my hope. I do recover faster. And, I do continue to do the next right thing.

I just hate to feel these feelings is the bottom line. I no longer feel completely hopeless and worthless, but the grief, pain, and loneliness feel overwhelming at times. I haven't throw in the towel, but I am so sick of wanting to run from it and escape. I know that all that creates in me is anxiety. I am tired of having fleeting moments that a drink, or 20, would help. I know where that road goes all too well. I know that when I come to, it is all still there waiting and it has changed nothing, at least not in a positive way.

My sponsor keeps saying that the only way to the other side is through it, but this is something that I don't want to go through. Tough shit I guess.

I know all of this resistance is what is standing in my way of acceptance and letting go. For now, in this moment, I will just feel the feelings and keep on keeping on. Do things that bring me joy, be of service, add positive to the world around me. Because, bottom line is, I can't change or control any of it...none. I can only control me, my behavior, and my actions and attitudes.

I will take moments of peace and serenity over that place I was in of complete despair. So, the answer is...keep doing the work, keep trying to trust my HP, and keep remembering that everything really is okay, right here, right now, in this moment.

Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!

Four months of catching up...

So, this has been probably the hardest four months I have had in my seven years of sobriety and the lesson that I learned is this...I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!! No one is responsible for my peace and serenity but me and what I have learned is that I have to be in close contact with my HP and sponsor, I have to go to as many meetings as I can, I have to write, work the steps, pray, work with others, and be willing...willing to let go, willing to surrender to my HP's will, willing to do whatever it takes.

Not just last week, yesterday, or today, but every single day. I have been reminded, not so gently, that I have a daily reprieve. It took me getting to an emotional bottom worse than the bottom that brought me into to program in the first place, but I could not be more grateful for that bottom and the lessons that it has taught me.

I am one of those that is really only motivated by pain and discomfort, something I am trying very hard to change. When I am happy, which I think is true for most of us, I get complacent, which means one less meeting, then two, then not writing, forget about prayer and taking my problems throughs the steps, and then willingness and surrender are totaly out the window. It is a subtle process, but suddenly I have completely lost my conscious contact and when shit hits the fan, I turn completely insane, literally.

The good news is that all it takes is willingness to get back. Follow that with courage and action and I feel like I can handle life on life's terms again. I have found peace, even though the story is not playing out the way I would have written it. I have faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the story is just as it should be, right here, right now, in this moment.

I can still have my emotions around it. I can be sad, hurt, angry, but I don't have to stop living. Those emotions won't kill me. I can sit with them and my HP, know I am powerless over this situation, and surrender to the will of the universe. I can do what is in front of me and continue down the path of doing the next right thing...EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Feeling grateful this night for that knowledge. Feeling grateful for the knowledge that no one can do it for me. I am in charge of my willingness or lack there of. I am in charge taking care of my own emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical sobriety. I am feeling overwhelmingly grateful for my patient sponsor, friends and family. Most of all, even though it was very painful, and I was at the tittering on insanity, I am grateful that I didn't drink or use.

More to come on how I ended up in this spot...and how I got out.

"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.

I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.

I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.

It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.

Peace within the Hula Hoop

The overwhelming emotions of last night have subsided, transforming into a peaceful sadness that I have done the next right thing.  Now, my next course of action is to wait, pray and surrender.  As my sponsor would say, once I've done my part, wrap them all up in a blanket and give them to my HP to take care of (and yes the ex is included in there, wrapped up much, much tighter than the others :). 

I have made these phone calls before with no results.  What I know is, I have no control over the results, only my part in doing the next right thing.  As much as I would love to control, manipulate, and change the actions and behaviors of others, there is such a freedom in realizing I have no control over them, just me and what's inside this hula hoop.  That powerless feeling slips away and is replaced with peace.  It's so exhausting trying to arrange all the players anyway, especially when I have so much on my plate just trying to keep all of my own craziness in check.  It's a gift to understand that they have their path and I have mine.  

  

The hand of AA

I was on my way to my regular Tuesday night of sponsor, step work and meeting when I got the call.  One of my friends with about 30 days went out.  She called me from the bar. 

FUCK!!  Pick up the stupid phone before you drink!!

She asked me to come pick her up, so I did.  What a reminder of exactly what I look like and more importantly, what I feel like when I am drinking.  In a few words...miserable, hopeless, and bankrupt. 

I am so grateful tonight to know that there is a solution.  I am grateful that I am willing to use the tools to get and keep me in a place of peace and serenity, despite life happening.  I am grateful for a higher power working in my life, even if I don't always understand the plan.   I am grateful to an awesome sponsor, my supportive friends and family.  I am grateful  for my life today and everything in it, the seemingly good and the seemingly bad.

Not to leave the story unfinished, we are going to a meeting tomorrow.  What an honor to be in a place to be the hand of AA tonight!

What a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful weekend

Life really is rockin right now!  I really can't imagine being happier.  Well I could, but that's just crazy talk!  It is definitely not because life has stopped happening...work sucked Friday, 'lost' more than half of what I made, got in a fight with one of my favorite co-workers, came home to a bathroom flooded in two inches of water, and our kitten ran away this morning (yes, the same one I called an asshole a week ago...feeling kinda crappy about that now). 

The perfectly fantastic part, to me, was not letting any of that outside stuff steal my serenity.  The kids and I have had so much fun this weekend...slumber party with my son's best friend, baked cookies, did not burn dinner for a change, two trips to the pool, loads of fun at the park, where I shot hoops for the first time in years, and of course lots of singing, dancing and playing of the guitar.

It could have been so much different had I chose to sit in the seemingly bad.  A quick call to my sponsor, reaching out to other suffering alcoholics, and getting into gratitude helped to change my perspective and allowed me to not miss being present for the two loves of my life.  It works...it really does!!

More practice...thanks??

Trying to be grateful tonight.  Grateful that I am sober and have tools to deal with this ever-exciting rollercoaster ride of my life. 

It really just keeping coming doesn't it?

I told my sponsor I was tired of practicing last week.  Thinking my HP might agree and pull back some of the life lessons for a couple of days, I also directed that comment upward.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that the universe is taking advantage of my willingness and giving me as much as possible because who knows how long it will last.

My main challenge as of late is to continue to live by spirtual principles, to act responsibly and with integrity, in situations where I want to say, FUCK IT!  Instead, I continue to try desparately to get my heart in line with my head and get out of this self will and in line with want the universe wants. 

Doncha know that this alcoholic wants what she wants, when she wants it dammit!  I want to scream, I've got patience down...can we please move on already.  I guess that is just proof that I don't.  So gratitude it is.  Yay!!! More practice!!

What's my motivation? Fuck...nevermind.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than when I tell my sponsor my next big plan and she asks me that question...What's your motivation Melissa?  If I'm honest with her and more importantly with myself, my answer usually turns out to be that I am trying to somehow manipulate the person or situation to get my way, to make someone see my point of view, or seething in my resentment and self righteous anger, feel the need punish someone for some perceived wrong doing.

Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance.  Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to.  Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me.  If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part.  If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive.  Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone!  I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.

Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision.  My reality is just that...my reality.  I can allow others to experience their dream.  One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?  Is arguing here worth losing my serenity?  My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids.  Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces.  My tables do not require my judgement.  None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind.   I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.

The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation.  In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way.  When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.

When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself.  If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.

Needed the serenity prayer tonight for sure

The whole story is not important.  A rotten banana, an ex, and me with two paths to choose from.  The end result was feeling like I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that would have baffle the crap out of me in the past and would have resulted in me acting like a complete asshole. I still feel like I have been hit by the sad train, but also feel like the big girl panties are firmly in place.

As always, the only thing I have control over is me and my reactions to other people's behavior.    What I wanted to do and what actually happened turned out to be two completely different things. 

Hello first instinct.  Nice to hear from you and thanks for sharing. 

I can't say enough for that trusty tool of pausing.  After pausing for what felt like an eternity, probably only 5 seconds in reality, I was hit with words that did not feel like my own and actions that were contrary to my nature. 

After a 911 call to my sponsor, prayer, writing a post that I have since edited, more prayer and more writing, my anger has transformed into disbelief, shock to sadness, hurt to acceptance, acceptance to serenity, with no misbehavior in between on my part to clean up.  This looks so much different then a list of actions I would have taken in the past and certainly has prodigious results for this alcoholic.

In this moment, I am sad. It hurts, but I can sit with it. The whole body tornado feeling is gone. I am not feeling the need to run or go out and cause wreckage. I am feeling grateful for the opportunity to practice acting like my best self and staying on my side of the street. I definitely would have acted differently in the past, but today after pausing, I acted in a way that was in accordance with the person I want to be.  On this night, I am grateful for living the promise of intuitively knowing how to deal with situations that used to baffle me.

Thanks HP...

Finding the willingness to be willing

This nicotine addiction has me by the balls, well the metaphoric balls at least.  I am now chewing more than I ever have.  I know that it is tremendously unhealthy and has become a pretty expensive habit, not to mention it is totally disgusting!  More than that though, is that I have recognized over the past year what a slave I am to it...I hate that most of all. 

I am to the point that I realize it is a problem and it is totally unmanageable.  What I have learned from past experience is that until I realize there is a problem I can not get into the solution.  The solution is the same as it is with everything else in my life...take it to the steps. 

Step one...check.  It's gonna kill me.  I can't afford it.  The ladies don't dig it!

Step two...coming to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity in this situation.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this can happen.  I have plenty of experience seeing it in many other places in my life.  It doesn't change the fact that I am scared.  I have been holding on so tightly to this security blanket, the negative coping skill I feel okay participating in to take me out of myself. 

Will I completely fall apart?  Will I punch everyone I meet in their faces?  Will I have any friends left after the process?

My answer is that I may have moments of insanity, I may want to punch everyone in their faces, and I may be bitchy to my friends and family, but...I will be able to find relief from it whenever I choose to by surrendering and asking for help.

Step three...made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power.  Here is where it gets sticky for me.  I don't know why the decision feels so final right now.  I know that the store is right down the road if I change my mind.  As my sponsor has said, "I'm not going to forget how to..."  I know that just like anything else it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one moment at a time.

In this moment I am not entirely willing, but I have seen great miracles happen by just praying for the willingness to be willing.  So here I am, doing that for now.

August 11, 2009...the decision

I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the past month, with my sobriety birthday looming on the horizon and all.  I have been thinking about where I was last year in comparison to this year and it stills amazes me how much of a night and day contrast they are. 

The following journal entry was made after the famous meeting with my sponsor, in which I told her I was miserable and done, but I was willing to give it one more real shot.  If it didn't work, which I was convinced it would not, I was done trying...my old friend alcohol and I were reuniting.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had never really been willing to give my recovery 100%.  Now that I read it however, it sounds a lot more positive than I remember feeling.  Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the journal entry... 

COMING UP ON 5 YEARS SOBER  8/11/09

Coming up on five years sober, I expected thing to be quite a bit different. In sobriety, I have gotten a divorce, lost my job, been very close to killing myself, spent about 3 months in the psych ward, and lost what I thought was the love of my life. Through it all I have not had to pick up a drink and have had many times of peace and serenity, but for the last year I have had no emotional sobriety at all. It is a miserable place to be.


The thing is, I know the right things to do in order to get there. I have know them from probably the first six months of sobriety, but the weird thing is, on a regular basis, I choose not do them. I choose not to do this simple program which will bring me to a place where I can be happy, joyous, and free.


With 33 days until my fifth year that all changes. I have decided to give this program my all and prove to myself that I can be in the best place in my life by doing these few simple things, praying and writing daily, going to a meeting every day that I don’t have my children, calling my sponsor for a daily check in and starting over with the steps. This is my challenge for myself and hopefully my gift to myself for my fifth year of sobriety.
 

Well, I have to report that none of the outside stuff has changed...still not working in my field, still struggling with relationships, money sucks, kids are challenging.  The difference comes in my attitude towards it all.  Gratitude for practice.  Doing what's in front of me.  Surrendering what's out of my control.  I am definitely not happy all the time, but I can find peace anytime I make the conscious choice.  I'll take that for today.

If I'm not the problem, there is no solution.

So.  This fourth step is definitely doing it's job and kicking my ass.  Hello character defects and self awareness...nice to meet you.  I am not finding it comfortable looking the ugliest parts of me in the face, not one bit...same recurring themes over and over and over.  But, seeing them on paper and talking about them with another person has sure given me some motivation to try practicing something different, hopefully with different results.  It's letting me let go of all those old resentments and see that I had a huge part in most of them..  Today, I don't want to repeat the patterns that have kept me trapped in my cycle of anger and self-pity (NA Step Working Guide p 34),.  Instead, I will be asking the Great and Powerful Oz for courage,  courage to change me, because as I heard once, "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution".

The Start of the Journey

Six years ago today, I took my last drink.  One last willful swig and a full bottle of vanilla Absolut fell reluctantly into the trash between the pumps of that am/pm.  I thought my life was over.  And it was.  That life.  That state of hopeless mind and body.  I had no idea the journey that was to begin that day.

Today, however, is not my sobriety birthday.  For about two weeks after that I was still stealing my husband's codeine to sleep, which I found out later was...let's just say...'frowned upon'.  So, after about six months, I picked a safe date, a date I knew that I was really clean.  Not knowing what the real date was, I flipped through the Daily Reflections and found a reading that spoke to me.

September 15

A New Life

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that.  It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Life will mean something at last.  AA Big Book p 152

Yes!!  That's what I found.  A way to do things differently.  A way to change my life.  A way to make it mean something and become present for the ones in it, instead of being the checked out mother, wife, sister, daughter, teacher I had become.  The hopeless, broken, 'Crazy Me' found a place where other people told the same stories and had the same feelings.  They welcomed me, told me to keep coming back.  I saw that they were happy and I wanted that too.  I believed them.  I just kept believing, even when I didn't.  The only thing that I had to do perfectly was just not to pick up, no matter how badly I wanted to.  I finally got it.  It took me five long, long years, but I finally got it.  

Is my life always well and wonderful??  Hell no!!  Life still happens.  My stuff is still unmanageable sometimes.  I still struggle with money, my ex's, relationships, my kids, work.  My glaring character defects still jump up and slap me and others in the face.  There are still days that I want to close the blinds, lock the door and not talk to anyone.  The difference today is that I don't have to hide from any of it.  I don't have to use something to escape it.  I can feel it.  I can face it head on.  I can have peace and serenity through it all.  The disclaimer here is...if I choose to.   Today, I do. 

Thank you to my family and my ex husband.  Thank you Never on Tuesdays.  Thank you B, S, K, J, J, M, M, L, C.  Thank you to my two fantastic sponsers.  Thank you CDRP.  And thank you 'Crazy Me' for finally having some willingness. 

Surrender

Today I am sitting at home with the kids, instead of going to work...ruff morning.  We have been watching Home Alone 2,  I have been contemplating surrender. 

Perfect topic at last night's meeting.  My sponsor and I meet before that meeting every week and every single week, no matter what my struggle has been, what we talked about always seems to be the topic.  She jokes that she calls ahead to let them know and she has started asking me what it's gonna be before we leave, but I believe everyone probably hears exactly what they need to hear, if they are willing to listen.

Back to Home Alone, there's the part where Kevin is torturing the two men and he shouts, "Have you had enough pain yet?"  The guy slams his hands willfully on his hips and shouts, "Never!!"

I cannot count how many times I have continued to beat my head against whatever brick wall is blocking my path,  trying to force my will or refusing to 'let go', shouting NEVER!!  What am I honestly losing by letting go of things I can do nothing about?  My answer...nothing but the stress, pain, anger, self pity, etc. that goes with it.  What do I gain?  If I take care of the things within my control and do the next right thing, I get peace and serenity and the feeling that the universe has my back.

My sponsor also said something yesterday that stuck with me.   Paraphrasing...I hold on so tightly to things I think are mine.  Whether it be people, jobs, things, or my own character defects, I keep them in a death grip.  Just because I let go doesn't mean I can't take it back at anytime.  I'm not going to forget how to be a bitch.  I'm not going to forget how to drink.  I'm not going to forget how to be impatience, procrastinate, or be judgemental.  I can go back to it anytime I want.  For today, I'm choosing to surrender to the universe my car and all it's problems, that my bills will get paid when I do, expectations about relationships, and that my kids needed me today more than my work.  For today I will trust that as long as I take care of the things I can control, the universe will take care of the rest.

Gratitude List for Today

Nothing puts things in perspective for me like gratitude, so here goes...

Another day of sobriety, without which, nothing for me is possible but craziness.
Awesome, inspiring women in my life that remind me daily that anything is possible and that I, too, am a woman of worth.
My mom, who I could never repay for her unwavering love, support, and encouragement.
My two beautiful children who inspire me to try to be my best self everyday, even when I don't feel like it.  I can't imagine my life without them...they rock!!
Fantastic sisters, who are totally different, with incredible unique gifts that bless my life daily...even when we don't talk.  You both are amazing and I am so lucky to have become friends with you as adults.
A job, a place to live and food to eat...simple, but important.
An invaluable tool kit, at my disposal, to use...when willing...to do things differently.

Really, how could I not love my life!!  It's fanfrickintastic!!

Talkin Shit

What a different feeling it is to have behaved well in a situation when everything inside me was screaming to do the exact opposite.  My dream had finally come true...I was approached by my exhusband's, very currently exgirlfriend, to unload every dirty detail I know about him. 

Our situation...we have been separated for going on 5 years as a result of years of bad behavior on both our part, but mainly my alcoholism and my coming out towards the end of our marriage.  They got together, I believe before we actually broke up and she was our children's Catholic school preschool teacher...hence, I had quite a bit of resentment there.  I have wanted to tell her all the bullshit I know about this man for years and how angry I was that she had anything to do with the breakup of our supposed 'happy family'. 

Finally, I had my chance.  Instead, something miraculous happened.  I paused and asked for my will not to be done in this situation.  As the result of some very good advise, I chose to email her (Thanks S...much love and respect.  You are one of the most inspirational women I know!  I would have never gotten it without you and will be eternally grateful).  Instead of unloading the mess, I was able to console her on their breakup, say I had no info on him, and wish her the best. 

WTF...who's words were those.  Definitely not my first instinct.  What I have learned, over these almost six years of sobriety, is that I don't have to always act on that self destructive, I want to hurt you or myself, first instinct.  I can pause and come from a place of kindness and love.  I can only imagine how differently I would be feeling today if I had engaged in a mess of shit talking and getting even.  Instead, she thanked me for my inspiration words and said she wished we could have gotten to know each other. 

First of all...me???...inspiration words.  Who would have ever thought that an ex of my ex would be saying that to me. Second, I never thought that I would actually genuinely care about someone that I had felt such resentment towards.  Things can change...if I change.  I definitely cannot control other people or their behaviors, but I can control how I choose to act in a situation.  For today,  I chose to act with love and kindness.  Tomorrow, we'll see.  With results like this though, I can't imagine wanting to do it any other way.