Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!

Waiting

Trying very hard to be patient, but... Still waiting for this baby. I just left for an hour to hit a meeting. I love going to meetings out of town. I am always amazed at the feelings of welcome, love and support...instant family anywhere. So grateful for alcoholics anonymous and the beautiful fellowship of people that I couldn't do this without.

Back to the room...praying for patience for us all.

The BIG Picture

It is so easy forget, to get caught up in the everyday events of my life and in my self will to try to run it all, try to force what I want to happen.  It is easy for me to forget that my best ideas are the ones that had me drinking at 7 in the morning and thinking that my life was just fine.  I still can't believe how insane my thinking can be at times when I take back my willingness.

The difference today is, when I get quiet and sit with my HP, instead of crazy Melissa, I can get out of my will and feel the will the universe has for me.  I don't always know what the 'right' course of action is, I am still extremely impatient to see what my life has in store for me, and my self will still rears its ugly head...but, today...I can listen to that quiet voice inside me, I can surrender the outcome, and I can trust that my will is not always in line with what is best for me.

Today I got a glimpse of what my path may be, why I have been doing the things I have been doing, why things have worked out just as they have and what the universe has been preparing me for.  It is not what I expected it to look like, but it is amazing none the less.  I am grateful today for all the practice my HP has been giving me, preparing me for what's next, helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  Grateful to see evidence that doing the next right thing and surrendering the outcome works.  Let go and let G.O.D.

More practice...thanks??

Trying to be grateful tonight.  Grateful that I am sober and have tools to deal with this ever-exciting rollercoaster ride of my life. 

It really just keeping coming doesn't it?

I told my sponsor I was tired of practicing last week.  Thinking my HP might agree and pull back some of the life lessons for a couple of days, I also directed that comment upward.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that the universe is taking advantage of my willingness and giving me as much as possible because who knows how long it will last.

My main challenge as of late is to continue to live by spirtual principles, to act responsibly and with integrity, in situations where I want to say, FUCK IT!  Instead, I continue to try desparately to get my heart in line with my head and get out of this self will and in line with want the universe wants. 

Doncha know that this alcoholic wants what she wants, when she wants it dammit!  I want to scream, I've got patience down...can we please move on already.  I guess that is just proof that I don't.  So gratitude it is.  Yay!!! More practice!!

It's not me, it's you...oh wait.

I got to work today and hated my first table.  Then the next, then the next.  Everyone at work was pissing me off.  Douche Bags...I want to punch you all in your faces!!

The thought started to come to me that it must be me, but I quickly pushed that away.  No!  They really are!

I acted like a baby all day.  Finally got off, way later than I thought I would, rushing very excited to pick up the kids.   That will snap me out of it.  After about 5 minutes, they got added to the list of poeple that were driving me crazy.  It was one of those nights where I had zero patience and couldn't wait to put them into bed.  Now that they are in bed, I will find peace I thought. 

Nope!  Now my cat is acting like an asshole (can't take credit for that line...came from a cool girl I know ♥ ).  Getting in the trash.  Knocking shit over.   

The thought has come back to me that maybe it is me.  After rethinking my day, I am positive that it was my perspective and my unwillingmess to choose to be happy.  My bad attitude was the cause of all those crappy interactions. 

That table that hated me.  The coworker I ignored all day.  The people I snapped at.  My ego driven tantrum.  The children that were driving me crazy.   All could have been so much different.  I got stuck in my head today and made sure that I stayed miserable.   I would say what a wasted day, but it was a good reminder that I am in control of my behavior, my reactions and what I put out into the world.

Everything passes

On the other side of the tantrum today, quicker than in the past, thanks to the willingness to choose this way of life over the other.  Having plenty of experience with being happy, joyous and free sure makes it uncomfortable to sit in my shit.  My old best friend misery definitely is not as much fun as I remember it to be.  I have a strong belief today that my suffering is a choice, as is my happiness.

Pretty simple stuff really...talk about it, write about it, pray about it, work with others.  I think I might get it tattooed on my arm forearm for those special occasions of willfulness and self pity. 

Nothing is really different today, except my perspective.  Everything is okay in this moment.  Getting there was as easy as starting my day with prayer and meditation, putting on the happy tunes, talking to a newcomer, calling my sponsor, reading a new book, dinner/dance off with the kids.  All resulted in me finding my gratitude...getting me into the solution and out of the problem that centers in my mind. 

I was reminded tonight that everyday is a victory if I don't pick up.  I may not do it perfectly, but I'm not expected to.  As long as I'm not drinking, things will always improve and there is a hope.  When I do drink, all bets are off.  I have the chance to do it differently at any point.  Just because I take my willingness back doesn't mean I can't turn it over again and again if necessary.  Today, I am willing.

Reason, Season, And A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go..

Some people become friends and stay awhile...

leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...

and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!!

I stumbled across this tonight while screwing around online.  (I can't find an author name so my apologies for not giving proper credit. ) It still amazes me how when I am willing, I hear, or read in this case, exactly what I need to.   

I have always struggled with letting people pass from my life. Friends, family, sponsors, sponsees, lovers.   It has never been a graceful or peaceful process to watch.  My tantrums have been especially magnificent with love.   I am making progress in that department.  My outside reactions are improving, but the agonizing feelings of abandonment still persist when I insist on sitting in my suffering.

Tonight I am practicing feeling gratitude for the people in my life, past and present.  Thank you for allowing me opportunities to practice.  Thank you for teaching me what I needed to know.  Thank you for helping me to grow.  Thank you for inspiring me,  Thank you for loving me.

I want to see the top!!!

I totally feel like my life is this giant, million piece puzzle right now. I've got a bunch of the background stuff done.  The corners are coming together nicely, but I can't quite figure out what it's suppose to look like and fuck if I haven't lost the top, so I can't cheat and look at the finished masterpiece to help me see what part I should be putting together next.  Is it a beautiful river scene, with a full moon reflecting off the water or something totally different?

What's the right thing to do with my kids?  What should I be doing about my career?  And relationships?...UUGGHH

I know I can't sit by and do nothing, expecting everything to fall into me, but I also can't sit in this spinning mind of mine and force my will in every situation.

What I have been told is...Surrender the outcome.  Do the next right thing.  Stay open to paths in front of me.  Be willing.  Leave the rest to my higher power. 

I sure would like to see the top, but for today I will trust that whatever the scene, it's going be better than I ever would have imagined for myself.

do nothing...CRAP!!!

I so struggle with knowing what the 'right' thing to do is in so many situations.  By right, I don't mean by society's judge or those around me, but rather, the action that will bring me the most peace and serenity and leave me feeling like I have acted with integrity. 

Have I told my truth?  Do I need to tell my truth in the situation?  Is this kind?  Is it necessary to say everything on my mind or should I say nothing at all? 

Important matters and especially matters of the heart can get me spinning for hours on these questions.  I feel plagued in a state of permanent pausing.  I was once told that pausing can be thought of as the deepest form of acceptance, but doncha know, sometimes I don't want to pause and definitely don't want to accept it.  When I am in fear that things aren't going to go my way I want to gain back control and act...fuck the consequences and who gets hurt in the process of my tantrum.

So it comes back to what I really want...peace and serenity.  The answer that I have found is to change what I can, accept what I can't change, and seek wisdom to know the difference between these.  Usually my head shuts up when I finally get that answer.  Unfortunately, I still can't stop myself from saying 'CRAP'  when the answer is to just accept it and sit with it.

Today, I am going to accept that the universe has a much better plan for this situation than I do and everything is working out just as it should...but, crap!!