surrender...

VENTING...In this moment, I hate CPS for doing nothing to help these kids,my lawyer for dragging his feet for the past eight months to get us into mediation to adjust custody, and my ex husband for the damage he is doing to these beautiful, loving,kind children. I am sad for my children that they spoke up, telling the truth about what is going on, and still have to go back there tomorrow. I feel inadequate and ineffective because nothing I am doing seems to be having any positive results.

SOLUTION...Surrender is not throwing your hands in the air, it is doing your part and trusting a power greater than yourself to take care of the outcome. This business with the kids is almost too much to bare at times. These are the moments that I know that I am slipping out of faith and into fear and self will, expecting results on my timeframe, the way I have envisioned them to be. What I know from experience is, when I do what is right in front of me and leave the outcome to the universe to handle, I am always left with a deep sense of peace and am surprised at how I come out on the other side. Rarely is it how I would have planned it, but I am always carried, with results exceeding anything I would have mapped out for myself. I have seen it work with everything from where I would live, my career, money, love, and heartbreak. I know my higher power can be trusted with my children. So, for tonight, surrender it is.

Peace within the Hula Hoop

The overwhelming emotions of last night have subsided, transforming into a peaceful sadness that I have done the next right thing.  Now, my next course of action is to wait, pray and surrender.  As my sponsor would say, once I've done my part, wrap them all up in a blanket and give them to my HP to take care of (and yes the ex is included in there, wrapped up much, much tighter than the others :). 

I have made these phone calls before with no results.  What I know is, I have no control over the results, only my part in doing the next right thing.  As much as I would love to control, manipulate, and change the actions and behaviors of others, there is such a freedom in realizing I have no control over them, just me and what's inside this hula hoop.  That powerless feeling slips away and is replaced with peace.  It's so exhausting trying to arrange all the players anyway, especially when I have so much on my plate just trying to keep all of my own craziness in check.  It's a gift to understand that they have their path and I have mine.  

  

Sitting with it...feelings suck!!!

I am having some very uncomfortable emotions tonight surrounding what is best for my children.  I am feeling completely powerless to make any changes for them.  I am tremendously angry with my ex husband and am having to use every bit of me to not do something I will regret.  I am sad for what they have to go through when they are not here.  I am feeling guilty that things are not perfect here either, that my patience is not always what I want it to be and that I sometimes fall short in being the mother I want to be.

I have talked it to death today.  I am now writing about it, trying to get myself into the solution and out of this gigantic, swirling pit of ugly emotions and self pity.   Right now, in this moment, the only next right thing for me to do is pause and ask for the right thought or action, feel it, and not run or try to escape it. 

So, here I am sitting with it, hating it!!!   

Tonight I can do nothing but surrender and have faith, that is if I want to have some peace.  I could definitely spin on it and freak out.  I like this option better. 

I will not be calling him and causing wreckage.  I will not be driving to his house.  I will not be threatening him.   I will not be acting on any of these other crazy ideas I have spinning out of control in this colorful mind of Crazy Melissa.  All of these nots are very contrary to my nature, but I know pausing, praying, and surrendering are the ways to peace for me. 

Tomorrow, however, the next right thing will be to get into action and do what's best for these beautiful children.  I am so grateful tonight that I am a sober, present mother, able and willing to take this step for them.

Waiting

Trying very hard to be patient, but... Still waiting for this baby. I just left for an hour to hit a meeting. I love going to meetings out of town. I am always amazed at the feelings of welcome, love and support...instant family anywhere. So grateful for alcoholics anonymous and the beautiful fellowship of people that I couldn't do this without.

Back to the room...praying for patience for us all.

Becoming present

In the midst of it all, no one could have convinced me that I was not a present mother.  I was there everyday.  I made breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I took them to school.  I picked them up.  They got bathed every night, teeth brushed, clean clothes.  There are plenty of pictures to prove my existence. 

What those pictures won't show is that I was at least a bottle deep at any given moment.  My body was there.  I performed my duties, filled with resentment.  I sat there outside every night in that vacant drunk cloud, in that blue chair, watching them play, glass in hand.  I was there, but I wasn't, not really.

My day today...I took them to school.  I picked them up.  I made dinner.  They got baths, teeth brushed, clean clothes.  Pictures to prove my existence.  The difference...we had fun together.  We played.  We talked.  I listened to their day and shared mine.  The stupid TV was off.  Engaged in an intense Mamma Mia dance off.  Made beautiful memories.   I was here and I really was, loving every minute of it!

Extreme Hot Wheels race, leaving massive toy explosion in the dust.

Surrender

Today I am sitting at home with the kids, instead of going to work...ruff morning.  We have been watching Home Alone 2,  I have been contemplating surrender. 

Perfect topic at last night's meeting.  My sponsor and I meet before that meeting every week and every single week, no matter what my struggle has been, what we talked about always seems to be the topic.  She jokes that she calls ahead to let them know and she has started asking me what it's gonna be before we leave, but I believe everyone probably hears exactly what they need to hear, if they are willing to listen.

Back to Home Alone, there's the part where Kevin is torturing the two men and he shouts, "Have you had enough pain yet?"  The guy slams his hands willfully on his hips and shouts, "Never!!"

I cannot count how many times I have continued to beat my head against whatever brick wall is blocking my path,  trying to force my will or refusing to 'let go', shouting NEVER!!  What am I honestly losing by letting go of things I can do nothing about?  My answer...nothing but the stress, pain, anger, self pity, etc. that goes with it.  What do I gain?  If I take care of the things within my control and do the next right thing, I get peace and serenity and the feeling that the universe has my back.

My sponsor also said something yesterday that stuck with me.   Paraphrasing...I hold on so tightly to things I think are mine.  Whether it be people, jobs, things, or my own character defects, I keep them in a death grip.  Just because I let go doesn't mean I can't take it back at anytime.  I'm not going to forget how to be a bitch.  I'm not going to forget how to drink.  I'm not going to forget how to be impatience, procrastinate, or be judgemental.  I can go back to it anytime I want.  For today, I'm choosing to surrender to the universe my car and all it's problems, that my bills will get paid when I do, expectations about relationships, and that my kids needed me today more than my work.  For today I will trust that as long as I take care of the things I can control, the universe will take care of the rest.