Why is letting go so freakin Hard!!!

I am having so much trouble letting go. I don't want to is the major problem, I think. But, I am so tired of being sad. So tired of crying. So, so tired.

Everyday, I pray for help in surrendering, willingness, and courage to take action toward the positive and to do my HP's will. I can say, without a doubt, I am doing better than I was 3 months ago with this, but I get so discouraged when something comes up to remind me of the loss, or the good times, or the uncertainity, and I end up crying. The improvement is that I don't let it immobilize me like I did before. I don't let it steal all of my hope. I do recover faster. And, I do continue to do the next right thing.

I just hate to feel these feelings is the bottom line. I no longer feel completely hopeless and worthless, but the grief, pain, and loneliness feel overwhelming at times. I haven't throw in the towel, but I am so sick of wanting to run from it and escape. I know that all that creates in me is anxiety. I am tired of having fleeting moments that a drink, or 20, would help. I know where that road goes all too well. I know that when I come to, it is all still there waiting and it has changed nothing, at least not in a positive way.

My sponsor keeps saying that the only way to the other side is through it, but this is something that I don't want to go through. Tough shit I guess.

I know all of this resistance is what is standing in my way of acceptance and letting go. For now, in this moment, I will just feel the feelings and keep on keeping on. Do things that bring me joy, be of service, add positive to the world around me. Because, bottom line is, I can't change or control any of it...none. I can only control me, my behavior, and my actions and attitudes.

I will take moments of peace and serenity over that place I was in of complete despair. So, the answer is...keep doing the work, keep trying to trust my HP, and keep remembering that everything really is okay, right here, right now, in this moment.

Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Finding my Happiness

So my journey has helped me to remember this important life lesson. Feeling very grateful.

And now a clip from one of my favorite movies...the power has been within me the whole time!!!

Numb...

So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!

Four months of catching up...

So, this has been probably the hardest four months I have had in my seven years of sobriety and the lesson that I learned is this...I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!! No one is responsible for my peace and serenity but me and what I have learned is that I have to be in close contact with my HP and sponsor, I have to go to as many meetings as I can, I have to write, work the steps, pray, work with others, and be willing...willing to let go, willing to surrender to my HP's will, willing to do whatever it takes.

Not just last week, yesterday, or today, but every single day. I have been reminded, not so gently, that I have a daily reprieve. It took me getting to an emotional bottom worse than the bottom that brought me into to program in the first place, but I could not be more grateful for that bottom and the lessons that it has taught me.

I am one of those that is really only motivated by pain and discomfort, something I am trying very hard to change. When I am happy, which I think is true for most of us, I get complacent, which means one less meeting, then two, then not writing, forget about prayer and taking my problems throughs the steps, and then willingness and surrender are totaly out the window. It is a subtle process, but suddenly I have completely lost my conscious contact and when shit hits the fan, I turn completely insane, literally.

The good news is that all it takes is willingness to get back. Follow that with courage and action and I feel like I can handle life on life's terms again. I have found peace, even though the story is not playing out the way I would have written it. I have faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the story is just as it should be, right here, right now, in this moment.

I can still have my emotions around it. I can be sad, hurt, angry, but I don't have to stop living. Those emotions won't kill me. I can sit with them and my HP, know I am powerless over this situation, and surrender to the will of the universe. I can do what is in front of me and continue down the path of doing the next right thing...EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Feeling grateful this night for that knowledge. Feeling grateful for the knowledge that no one can do it for me. I am in charge of my willingness or lack there of. I am in charge taking care of my own emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical sobriety. I am feeling overwhelmingly grateful for my patient sponsor, friends and family. Most of all, even though it was very painful, and I was at the tittering on insanity, I am grateful that I didn't drink or use.

More to come on how I ended up in this spot...and how I got out.

New Blog

I started a new blog to post all my art and thoughts. My painting are a direct reflection of the emotions of my soul. I have foud it a very theraputic way for me to work through the BS in my head. Check it out if your interested. My plan is to start writing here again.

"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.

I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.

I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.

It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.

amazing...

I am so filled with gratitude today. I absolutely love my life. It's not because I have money, a great house, my dream job, but because of the peace and love that have become such a daily presence in it.

When I came into recovery I never imagined how completely different my life could be. I really expected nothing more than to learn how to stop drinking. Actually, let's be honest. I hope you people would show me how to do it successfully. I didn't know that I had a living problem. What I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is how to do my life differently, how to walk through it, instead of checking out. I have gained the ability to find peace amongst the chaos. I have learned that suffering is optional, as is finding happiness. Today I choose to be willing to find my joy, despite my circumstances. It is a fantastic place to be and I am loving this journey!

Surrendering to the will of the Universe...

This day has been exhausting.  First, my car would not start and then I found out that checks I have been expecting to come for weeks will not be coming...FANTASTIC!!  I am so tired of struggling financially.  Really??  Does it have to be this hard?? 

I can let go of the fear.  I can trust that it will all work out.  I know that I won't be dropped on my ass.  But, I would love it if it didn't feel like such a daily battle.  It seems like just as I put one fire out another starts.  I need to remind myself that it was never promised that life would stop happening, just that I would be able to deal with it with some semblance of grace and have serenity through it.  This promise is based on my willingness to do what's in my control, the next right thing, and surrender the outcome...trusting that everything is not going to be alright, it already is.

Okay...panic attack over.  This God box is getting full!!  What I have found out by looking back through old deposits is that all that stuff that felt like such a big deal in the moment, has since passed.  I survived it, walked through it without a drink or a drug and came out on the other side with a stronger sense of faith that things might not always go the way I have them envisioned, but I am always taken care of.

No Matter What

Not having to pick up no matter what, has felt like the theme of the last few meetings I have been to. 

Yesterday in a meeting, the chair shared how he has walked through so much in recovery, including the death of his 29 year old son at 13 years sober.  He said that, although it was one of the most painful experiences of his life and the urge to escape was overwhelming, he was at a meeting 500 miles from home, six hours later.  And what do you know, he heard exactly what he needed to hear.  He ran into a man that had lost his daughter at 9 years sober.  He was celebrating 9 months that day.  What he shared was simple but profound, 'When I came to, my daughter was still dead.  It changed nothing.'.  All the feelings were still there waiting for him, but were now compounded by guilt and shame and all the wreckage to clean up.

I felt compelled to share this story at the meeting I went to tonight after someone shared the pain she was experiencing as a result of a friend's suicide over the weekend.  Today she was celebrating 13 years clean and as much as she wanted to run, she had not. 

What I know from my own experience is life is going to continue to happen.  For me...divorce, loss of my job and my home, loss of love, severe depression, difficult people, places and things.  Nowhere is it promised to be perfect.  What is promised is that I will have a new way to get through it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, but through it none the less.  I don't have to pick up NO MATTER WHAT!!  And the great thing is, if I use the tools I have been blessed to learn in this program, I can have peace amongst the storm.  What a gift!!

More practice...thanks??

Trying to be grateful tonight.  Grateful that I am sober and have tools to deal with this ever-exciting rollercoaster ride of my life. 

It really just keeping coming doesn't it?

I told my sponsor I was tired of practicing last week.  Thinking my HP might agree and pull back some of the life lessons for a couple of days, I also directed that comment upward.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that the universe is taking advantage of my willingness and giving me as much as possible because who knows how long it will last.

My main challenge as of late is to continue to live by spirtual principles, to act responsibly and with integrity, in situations where I want to say, FUCK IT!  Instead, I continue to try desparately to get my heart in line with my head and get out of this self will and in line with want the universe wants. 

Doncha know that this alcoholic wants what she wants, when she wants it dammit!  I want to scream, I've got patience down...can we please move on already.  I guess that is just proof that I don't.  So gratitude it is.  Yay!!! More practice!!

It's not me, it's you...oh wait.

I got to work today and hated my first table.  Then the next, then the next.  Everyone at work was pissing me off.  Douche Bags...I want to punch you all in your faces!!

The thought started to come to me that it must be me, but I quickly pushed that away.  No!  They really are!

I acted like a baby all day.  Finally got off, way later than I thought I would, rushing very excited to pick up the kids.   That will snap me out of it.  After about 5 minutes, they got added to the list of poeple that were driving me crazy.  It was one of those nights where I had zero patience and couldn't wait to put them into bed.  Now that they are in bed, I will find peace I thought. 

Nope!  Now my cat is acting like an asshole (can't take credit for that line...came from a cool girl I know ♥ ).  Getting in the trash.  Knocking shit over.   

The thought has come back to me that maybe it is me.  After rethinking my day, I am positive that it was my perspective and my unwillingmess to choose to be happy.  My bad attitude was the cause of all those crappy interactions. 

That table that hated me.  The coworker I ignored all day.  The people I snapped at.  My ego driven tantrum.  The children that were driving me crazy.   All could have been so much different.  I got stuck in my head today and made sure that I stayed miserable.   I would say what a wasted day, but it was a good reminder that I am in control of my behavior, my reactions and what I put out into the world.

Self discovery...my dark dishonesty

Characters defects?  Yep!!  This trip through the steps has felt so much more thorough and rigorously honest.  Probably why it has been so much more uncomfortable.  Staring that crazy girl in the face and not running away has been intensely unpleasant and humbling, but equally rewarding.

Some of what have I discovered...

Such an intense need for you to like me.  Refuse to tell my truth if I think it will disturb that delicate balancing act I do, thinking I can control you and your emotions and reactions.  Master of manipulation.  Not direct.  Passively aggressively go after what I want.  Never make waves.  Stay under the radar.  Keep up the image that I have it all together.  Dark places stay in check.  Definitely never want you to think you have hurt me or affected me.  Reject before rejection.  A thousand rules, you must follow, that I will never tell you about.  Fear driven. 

Oh this ever peeling onion.  This incredible journey of self discovery.   Each time through the steps, I have come to know myself better, know the motives behind the actions of the girl I lovingly refer to as crazy Melissa.

Moment of reflection...

With my birthday month coming to a close, tonight was the last meeting I got to say, hi I'm Melissa and I am an alcoholic and I had 6 years on the 15th.  It has been a great month of reflection.  Remembering what it used to be like and what it is like today.  A sharp contrast to say the least.

There was a woman at tonight's meeting with 6 days, crying out to be done, speaking of powerlessness and unmanageablity.  It took me back to that first meeting.  Sobbing.  Miserable.  Hopeless.  In disbelief that this is what my life had become.  I was an alcoholic.  I had become what I said I never would...my father. 

I hear people talk about how it quit working for them at the end and how unmanageable their lives had become.  In it, I had no idea that this was my truth.  It had stopped working to just drink on the weekends.  Then it stopped working to drink only after I got home from work.  It eventually quit working to try to control it at all.  All of my nevers had become reality.  I needed to be drunk 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  There were only about 4-5 hours during the day that I wasn't putting in and somehow this didn't register as a problem to me.  The denial was so powerful.

It didn't seem wrong to have no recollection of teaching 5th and 6th period, driving from there to pick up my 2 and 4 year old.  It seemed normal to stop at the liquor store every morning, not being able to wait until that first drink began to quiet the storm ravaging my mind and body.  The twenty empty vodka bottles in my car went unnoticed by me, that is until my husband lined them all up on the kitchen counter.  Even then I was like...and?  I never had any desire or saw a point in doing it any differently than how I was doing it, completely and utterly wasted.  Each day needing to drink more than the last, in the end it still not being enough to escape the hopeless existence my life had become.

The hopeless existence I speak of was a complete spiritual bankruptcy.  I thought there were no real consequences for my drinking.  I still had my job, my house, and my family for the moment.  No Dui's.  No jail.  No CPS.  Not because I shouldn't have had those things happen.  I was just never caught.  All my yets...still waiting for me.

My bottom consisted of me caring of nothing but my next drink, being completely resentful of my children and husband for being a distraction from that oblivion, absent and unavailable, and having not one clear moment for last six months.  My consequences were there.  I was just unable to register them because from the outside it all still looked presentable.

I never want to forget that hopelessness.  I never want to forget getting caught by my husband driving drunk with the kids that last night.  Him saying, this is it!  Get help or get out!  I never want to forget that I am powerless over alcohol and all that unamanageability that waits for me, so patiently.  That last drunk, that hopeless state, and all those yets are the tape I play for myself when that crazy thought occurs to me that maybe I could control it this time, maybe I am not really an alcoholic, maybe I am cured.

When I remember to be grateful, I recognize how awesome my life is today.   I have hope.  I feel like a woman of worth.  I am present for my children, family and friends.  Life stills happens.  There is no denying that.  I don't do it perfectly.  I can still make it unmanageable, but if I am willing, the solution is there to do it differently.  I can walk through anything, with grace and integrity.  Today, I am filled with gratitude to have that choice.

Everything passes

On the other side of the tantrum today, quicker than in the past, thanks to the willingness to choose this way of life over the other.  Having plenty of experience with being happy, joyous and free sure makes it uncomfortable to sit in my shit.  My old best friend misery definitely is not as much fun as I remember it to be.  I have a strong belief today that my suffering is a choice, as is my happiness.

Pretty simple stuff really...talk about it, write about it, pray about it, work with others.  I think I might get it tattooed on my arm forearm for those special occasions of willfulness and self pity. 

Nothing is really different today, except my perspective.  Everything is okay in this moment.  Getting there was as easy as starting my day with prayer and meditation, putting on the happy tunes, talking to a newcomer, calling my sponsor, reading a new book, dinner/dance off with the kids.  All resulted in me finding my gratitude...getting me into the solution and out of the problem that centers in my mind. 

I was reminded tonight that everyday is a victory if I don't pick up.  I may not do it perfectly, but I'm not expected to.  As long as I'm not drinking, things will always improve and there is a hope.  When I do drink, all bets are off.  I have the chance to do it differently at any point.  Just because I take my willingness back doesn't mean I can't turn it over again and again if necessary.  Today, I am willing.

Finding the willingness to be willing

This nicotine addiction has me by the balls, well the metaphoric balls at least.  I am now chewing more than I ever have.  I know that it is tremendously unhealthy and has become a pretty expensive habit, not to mention it is totally disgusting!  More than that though, is that I have recognized over the past year what a slave I am to it...I hate that most of all. 

I am to the point that I realize it is a problem and it is totally unmanageable.  What I have learned from past experience is that until I realize there is a problem I can not get into the solution.  The solution is the same as it is with everything else in my life...take it to the steps. 

Step one...check.  It's gonna kill me.  I can't afford it.  The ladies don't dig it!

Step two...coming to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity in this situation.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this can happen.  I have plenty of experience seeing it in many other places in my life.  It doesn't change the fact that I am scared.  I have been holding on so tightly to this security blanket, the negative coping skill I feel okay participating in to take me out of myself. 

Will I completely fall apart?  Will I punch everyone I meet in their faces?  Will I have any friends left after the process?

My answer is that I may have moments of insanity, I may want to punch everyone in their faces, and I may be bitchy to my friends and family, but...I will be able to find relief from it whenever I choose to by surrendering and asking for help.

Step three...made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power.  Here is where it gets sticky for me.  I don't know why the decision feels so final right now.  I know that the store is right down the road if I change my mind.  As my sponsor has said, "I'm not going to forget how to..."  I know that just like anything else it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one moment at a time.

In this moment I am not entirely willing, but I have seen great miracles happen by just praying for the willingness to be willing.  So here I am, doing that for now.

In all my affairs

So what's the point and how can it make a difference in my life if I I'm not trying my best to practice living by the spiritual principles of honesty, openmindedness, willingness and kindness, on a daily basis, in all that I do.

Today's opportunities to practice and results...

1.  Cut off in traffic dropping the kids off at school...did not react.  My kids did not hear me call them an idiot.  I did not have to flip them off.  I did not have to chase after them.
 
2.  Confrontation with a coworker...Told my truth, didn't yell or get offensive.  Ignored him unfairly the rest of the day.

3.  Friend hurt my feelings...pretended it didn't happen, fake friendly for the next 20 minutes.  Stupid pride and ego!

4.  My 85 year old regular at work broke up with me...graciously let him do it and didn't have to say WTF...first of all I hung out with you to keep you company and second, I had no interest in you like that weirdo.  You're old and I'm gay!

5.  My son told me on the drive home today that kids were picking on him at school and calling him gay...wanted to turn the car around and make a big scene at school.  Came home, talked about his feelings, and hopefully gave him some positive coping skills.

6.  Kids got up 5 times after I put them in bed...1st time patient.  2nd time patient.  3rd, 4th, 5th time not so patient and kinda mean.

7.  Made contact with someone and practiced not worrying about rejection or expecting a certain outcome

My assessment of the day is that I definitely did not do it perfectly.  The guy at work didn't deserve to be ignored.  My friend could have handled knowing that my feelings were hurt.  I still operate out of reject before rejection.  What I know today is that I will never do it perfect.  The gift is in being aware of my part and trying to do it better next time.  I can usually recognize when I'm not, by the uncomfortable feeling I get.  I never let myself feel that feeling before because I was always trying to escape it.  Today though, I can see my part and I try make any necessary amends, with the promise that I will try to do it better in the future.

Not feeling it

Right now, in this moment, I am not feeling it.  I am not feeling connected...not at all, not one bit.  Kids are fighting.  Money SUCKS!  Love hurts.  And, I am stuck in this gigantic pity pot!!

What I do know from experience is that I can sit in this shit and spin out of control and ultimately cause some sort of wreckage that I will have to clean up...or, I can do something to get myself out of it.  I am always afraid to try to do the things that I know have worked in the past because I am so scared that they won't work this time and I won't find peace.  I am terrified that if they don't work, it will destroy my faith in the process.  I don't know why I still cling to the belief that I am that fragile.  Things that I am talking about are writing about it, talking about it and praying about it.  I know in the past, it gets me to a point to turn it, whatever it is, over to the care of God as I understand God, but I am always afraid to do it. 

What if it doesn't work this time, then what?  I will have to drink, that's what!  If I just hold on to it, I won't be disappointed and I, and all of my self will, will figure a way out of it.  Or, this is too big, even for my God to handle!!  (All my stupid self talk)

When I first started trying this I did it with urges to drink.  Wanting to drink so bad.  Deciding to drink.  Driving up to the liquor store..  I would sit out front with every intention of doing it, saying, "fuck this and fuck AA!"  For some reason, every time, I paused to say a little dare prayer to my God..."I'm gonna do it!!  But, if you want to help, be my guest." 

Once I went into the store, went up to the guy behind the counter and said I wanted cigarettes.  The next thing out of my mouth was going to be, "and some vanilla Absolute".  Before I could say that next part he said, "I quit smoking 20 years ago.  I quit drinking 30 years ago"  In my mind, I was like, "FUCK!!  Why, why, why, are you telling me this??"  I was able to say however, "Wow, I have like 6 months" and walk out with just the smokes.  Another time, same dare prayer, I walked in and there was an AM radio show playing in the store about AA.  Another time, again, dare prayer, one of my students was in line behind me. 

Coincidences?  Maybe.  I like to believe that by pausing and uttering those words, I was having the smallest amount of willingness and surrender, even if they were irreverent and contemptuous.  I think had I not uttered those words outside the store, it wouldn't have matter if there was an entire marching band, with 'don't do it banners' and horns singing the praises of AA, carrying Bill W. himself on their shoulders...I would not have seen anything but exactly what I wanted to see, which was a big bottle of relief with the label vodka on the side.

Every time it has worked.  I find peace and serenity every time I am willing.  Each time my faith has grown.  I am not quite as irreverent and contempuous as I used to be.  I have gotten to the point that I trust that it might work with every area of my life.  I have tried it with the big stuff...financial insecurity, my divorce, love, my children, losing jobs, finding a new place to live and yes, even on Crazy Me.  I have seen it work time and time again.

So, here I am, writing about it, trying to talk myself into the fact that everything is just fine, in this moment.  For today I will trust that my HP has my back!!

What do ya know...I feel better!!

Neither I, nor this message will self destruct in 10 seconds...

This morning I am choosing to sit my ass down and write this nonsense to the nothingness.  I desperately want to run and find something, anything to get me out of this moment and find some alternate form of reality...my current drugs of choice:  food or refusing food, poker, relationships, facebook, isolation and honestly I could probably slide down the scale to "shots, shots, shots, shots", if I really let the self-destruction take over.

What I know today is that I do have a host of positive ways to change my perspective...writing, praying, meditating, talking to others, reading, painting, playing guitar.  The funny thing is, when I actually do these things, I have yet not to feel better afterwards and the great thing is, I don't have all that bullshit, self imposed wreckage to clean up.  The amazing thing to me is that regardless how many times I have seen this to be the case, my first instinct is still to want to 'run'.  As always, the key for me is having the willingness to choose path B...the one filled with positive choices and positive results.

Today, I will take care of what's right in front of me and leave the rest to the universe...it's plan for me is always so much more awesome than one I would have created for myself  There will be no self-destructing today...so sorry 'Crazy Me'.