Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!

Art from the soul: Loss...

Art from the soul: Loss...: Painted early 2007 This was painted right after my separate from my husband.  I no longer had my children on a daily basis, which was one...

Four months of catching up...

So, this has been probably the hardest four months I have had in my seven years of sobriety and the lesson that I learned is this...I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!! No one is responsible for my peace and serenity but me and what I have learned is that I have to be in close contact with my HP and sponsor, I have to go to as many meetings as I can, I have to write, work the steps, pray, work with others, and be willing...willing to let go, willing to surrender to my HP's will, willing to do whatever it takes.

Not just last week, yesterday, or today, but every single day. I have been reminded, not so gently, that I have a daily reprieve. It took me getting to an emotional bottom worse than the bottom that brought me into to program in the first place, but I could not be more grateful for that bottom and the lessons that it has taught me.

I am one of those that is really only motivated by pain and discomfort, something I am trying very hard to change. When I am happy, which I think is true for most of us, I get complacent, which means one less meeting, then two, then not writing, forget about prayer and taking my problems throughs the steps, and then willingness and surrender are totaly out the window. It is a subtle process, but suddenly I have completely lost my conscious contact and when shit hits the fan, I turn completely insane, literally.

The good news is that all it takes is willingness to get back. Follow that with courage and action and I feel like I can handle life on life's terms again. I have found peace, even though the story is not playing out the way I would have written it. I have faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the story is just as it should be, right here, right now, in this moment.

I can still have my emotions around it. I can be sad, hurt, angry, but I don't have to stop living. Those emotions won't kill me. I can sit with them and my HP, know I am powerless over this situation, and surrender to the will of the universe. I can do what is in front of me and continue down the path of doing the next right thing...EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Feeling grateful this night for that knowledge. Feeling grateful for the knowledge that no one can do it for me. I am in charge of my willingness or lack there of. I am in charge taking care of my own emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical sobriety. I am feeling overwhelmingly grateful for my patient sponsor, friends and family. Most of all, even though it was very painful, and I was at the tittering on insanity, I am grateful that I didn't drink or use.

More to come on how I ended up in this spot...and how I got out.

New Blog

I started a new blog to post all my art and thoughts. My painting are a direct reflection of the emotions of my soul. I have foud it a very theraputic way for me to work through the BS in my head. Check it out if your interested. My plan is to start writing here again.

Reframe please...

I have attempted several posts in the last hour, all oozing with toxic, unproductive self pity.

I will just say that, I have every desire to go to sleep tonight and wake up when this holiday season has past.

With that out of the way, onto the reframe. I need to remember what have today. I have the opportunity to be a sober woman of worth...a mother, a partner, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a sponsor, an artist, a musican, a positive force and productive member of society.

I definitely have to choice to hide away in my house, in the dark, wasting this opportunity. Not today self pity. You are not taking me.

"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.

I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.

I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.

It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.

Getting back to teaching...YAY!!!

I have been an out of work high school teacher for the past two years, paying the bills by going back to waiting tables.  The first 6 months or so were so miserable.  I couldn't find my purpose and was filled with negative self talk every single day.  The last year or so I have come to terms with it and have really enjoyed it, so much so that it has kept me from trying to get back into teaching.  Well, that and the fear.  Fear of trying, fear of rejection, fear that I had lost my passion for it.

So, I finally feel like I am ready to get back out there.  I had orientation this morning to start with a new district and I am very excited.  I forgot how much I love teaching.  There is some fear, but it's the good, butterfly in the stomach kind, not the terrifying, am I doing the right thing kind.  It feels good to be moving forward again and feel like I am moving in a positive direction.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide

Get back on track ALREADY!!

It has been a long month of not doing the things I need to do to stay "sane".  I'm not sure why this is, but sometimes it takes a lot of discomfort for me to "come to" and get my ass in gear.  

So here it is...I am tired of not feeling connected and I know what to do about, so DO IT ALREADY!!!

Day 1 of getting back on track...

1.  Admitting that I feel crazy right now
2.  Writing this
3.  Pray
4.  Read something...
5.  Stop being lazy and go to a meeting, even
though all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch
6.  Work with someone else and get off this crazy train

That's the plan.  It doesn't feel like it's gonna work right now, but I know from experience, that it does,every, single time...so do it already!!!


Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide

Boarding...New York Bound

Going to New York for a week with my mom and sister to be my new niece's Godmother.  Hate flying and haven't done it sober in a long, long time...wish me luck.  Feeling a little like throwing up right now.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide