I got to work today and hated my first table. Then the next, then the next. Everyone at work was pissing me off. Douche Bags...I want to punch you all in your faces!!
The thought started to come to me that it must be me, but I quickly pushed that away. No! They really are!
I acted like a baby all day. Finally got off, way later than I thought I would, rushing very excited to pick up the kids. That will snap me out of it. After about 5 minutes, they got added to the list of poeple that were driving me crazy. It was one of those nights where I had zero patience and couldn't wait to put them into bed. Now that they are in bed, I will find peace I thought.
Nope! Now my cat is acting like an asshole (can't take credit for that line...came from a cool girl I know ♥ ). Getting in the trash. Knocking shit over.
The thought has come back to me that maybe it is me. After rethinking my day, I am positive that it was my perspective and my unwillingmess to choose to be happy. My bad attitude was the cause of all those crappy interactions.
That table that hated me. The coworker I ignored all day. The people I snapped at. My ego driven tantrum. The children that were driving me crazy. All could have been so much different. I got stuck in my head today and made sure that I stayed miserable. I would say what a wasted day, but it was a good reminder that I am in control of my behavior, my reactions and what I put out into the world.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Self discovery...my dark dishonesty
Characters defects? Yep!! This trip through the steps has felt so much more thorough and rigorously honest. Probably why it has been so much more uncomfortable. Staring that crazy girl in the face and not running away has been intensely unpleasant and humbling, but equally rewarding.
Some of what have I discovered...
Oh this ever peeling onion. This incredible journey of self discovery. Each time through the steps, I have come to know myself better, know the motives behind the actions of the girl I lovingly refer to as crazy Melissa.
Some of what have I discovered...
Such an intense need for you to like me. Refuse to tell my truth if I think it will disturb that delicate balancing act I do, thinking I can control you and your emotions and reactions. Master of manipulation. Not direct. Passively aggressively go after what I want. Never make waves. Stay under the radar. Keep up the image that I have it all together. Dark places stay in check. Definitely never want you to think you have hurt me or affected me. Reject before rejection. A thousand rules, you must follow, that I will never tell you about. Fear driven.
Oh this ever peeling onion. This incredible journey of self discovery. Each time through the steps, I have come to know myself better, know the motives behind the actions of the girl I lovingly refer to as crazy Melissa.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Moment of reflection...
With my birthday month coming to a close, tonight was the last meeting I got to say, hi I'm Melissa and I am an alcoholic and I had 6 years on the 15th. It has been a great month of reflection. Remembering what it used to be like and what it is like today. A sharp contrast to say the least.
There was a woman at tonight's meeting with 6 days, crying out to be done, speaking of powerlessness and unmanageablity. It took me back to that first meeting. Sobbing. Miserable. Hopeless. In disbelief that this is what my life had become. I was an alcoholic. I had become what I said I never would...my father.
I hear people talk about how it quit working for them at the end and how unmanageable their lives had become. In it, I had no idea that this was my truth. It had stopped working to just drink on the weekends. Then it stopped working to drink only after I got home from work. It eventually quit working to try to control it at all. All of my nevers had become reality. I needed to be drunk 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There were only about 4-5 hours during the day that I wasn't putting in and somehow this didn't register as a problem to me. The denial was so powerful.
It didn't seem wrong to have no recollection of teaching 5th and 6th period, driving from there to pick up my 2 and 4 year old. It seemed normal to stop at the liquor store every morning, not being able to wait until that first drink began to quiet the storm ravaging my mind and body. The twenty empty vodka bottles in my car went unnoticed by me, that is until my husband lined them all up on the kitchen counter. Even then I was like...and? I never had any desire or saw a point in doing it any differently than how I was doing it, completely and utterly wasted. Each day needing to drink more than the last, in the end it still not being enough to escape the hopeless existence my life had become.
The hopeless existence I speak of was a complete spiritual bankruptcy. I thought there were no real consequences for my drinking. I still had my job, my house, and my family for the moment. No Dui's. No jail. No CPS. Not because I shouldn't have had those things happen. I was just never caught. All my yets...still waiting for me.
My bottom consisted of me caring of nothing but my next drink, being completely resentful of my children and husband for being a distraction from that oblivion, absent and unavailable, and having not one clear moment for last six months. My consequences were there. I was just unable to register them because from the outside it all still looked presentable.
I never want to forget that hopelessness. I never want to forget getting caught by my husband driving drunk with the kids that last night. Him saying, this is it! Get help or get out! I never want to forget that I am powerless over alcohol and all that unamanageability that waits for me, so patiently. That last drunk, that hopeless state, and all those yets are the tape I play for myself when that crazy thought occurs to me that maybe I could control it this time, maybe I am not really an alcoholic, maybe I am cured.
When I remember to be grateful, I recognize how awesome my life is today. I have hope. I feel like a woman of worth. I am present for my children, family and friends. Life stills happens. There is no denying that. I don't do it perfectly. I can still make it unmanageable, but if I am willing, the solution is there to do it differently. I can walk through anything, with grace and integrity. Today, I am filled with gratitude to have that choice.
There was a woman at tonight's meeting with 6 days, crying out to be done, speaking of powerlessness and unmanageablity. It took me back to that first meeting. Sobbing. Miserable. Hopeless. In disbelief that this is what my life had become. I was an alcoholic. I had become what I said I never would...my father.
I hear people talk about how it quit working for them at the end and how unmanageable their lives had become. In it, I had no idea that this was my truth. It had stopped working to just drink on the weekends. Then it stopped working to drink only after I got home from work. It eventually quit working to try to control it at all. All of my nevers had become reality. I needed to be drunk 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There were only about 4-5 hours during the day that I wasn't putting in and somehow this didn't register as a problem to me. The denial was so powerful.
It didn't seem wrong to have no recollection of teaching 5th and 6th period, driving from there to pick up my 2 and 4 year old. It seemed normal to stop at the liquor store every morning, not being able to wait until that first drink began to quiet the storm ravaging my mind and body. The twenty empty vodka bottles in my car went unnoticed by me, that is until my husband lined them all up on the kitchen counter. Even then I was like...and? I never had any desire or saw a point in doing it any differently than how I was doing it, completely and utterly wasted. Each day needing to drink more than the last, in the end it still not being enough to escape the hopeless existence my life had become.
The hopeless existence I speak of was a complete spiritual bankruptcy. I thought there were no real consequences for my drinking. I still had my job, my house, and my family for the moment. No Dui's. No jail. No CPS. Not because I shouldn't have had those things happen. I was just never caught. All my yets...still waiting for me.
My bottom consisted of me caring of nothing but my next drink, being completely resentful of my children and husband for being a distraction from that oblivion, absent and unavailable, and having not one clear moment for last six months. My consequences were there. I was just unable to register them because from the outside it all still looked presentable.
I never want to forget that hopelessness. I never want to forget getting caught by my husband driving drunk with the kids that last night. Him saying, this is it! Get help or get out! I never want to forget that I am powerless over alcohol and all that unamanageability that waits for me, so patiently. That last drunk, that hopeless state, and all those yets are the tape I play for myself when that crazy thought occurs to me that maybe I could control it this time, maybe I am not really an alcoholic, maybe I am cured.
When I remember to be grateful, I recognize how awesome my life is today. I have hope. I feel like a woman of worth. I am present for my children, family and friends. Life stills happens. There is no denying that. I don't do it perfectly. I can still make it unmanageable, but if I am willing, the solution is there to do it differently. I can walk through anything, with grace and integrity. Today, I am filled with gratitude to have that choice.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
What's my motivation? Fuck...nevermind.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than when I tell my sponsor my next big plan and she asks me that question...What's your motivation Melissa? If I'm honest with her and more importantly with myself, my answer usually turns out to be that I am trying to somehow manipulate the person or situation to get my way, to make someone see my point of view, or seething in my resentment and self righteous anger, feel the need punish someone for some perceived wrong doing.
Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance. Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to. Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me. If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part. If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive. Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone! I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.
Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision. My reality is just that...my reality. I can allow others to experience their dream. One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Is arguing here worth losing my serenity? My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids. Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces. My tables do not require my judgement. None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind. I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.
The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation. In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way. When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.
When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself. If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.
Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance. Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to. Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me. If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part. If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive. Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone! I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.
Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision. My reality is just that...my reality. I can allow others to experience their dream. One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Is arguing here worth losing my serenity? My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids. Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces. My tables do not require my judgement. None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind. I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.
The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation. In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way. When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.
When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself. If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.
Becoming present
In the midst of it all, no one could have convinced me that I was not a present mother. I was there everyday. I made breakfast, lunch and dinner. I took them to school. I picked them up. They got bathed every night, teeth brushed, clean clothes. There are plenty of pictures to prove my existence.
What those pictures won't show is that I was at least a bottle deep at any given moment. My body was there. I performed my duties, filled with resentment. I sat there outside every night in that vacant drunk cloud, in that blue chair, watching them play, glass in hand. I was there, but I wasn't, not really.
My day today...I took them to school. I picked them up. I made dinner. They got baths, teeth brushed, clean clothes. Pictures to prove my existence. The difference...we had fun together. We played. We talked. I listened to their day and shared mine. The stupid TV was off. Engaged in an intense Mamma Mia dance off. Made beautiful memories. I was here and I really was, loving every minute of it!
Extreme Hot Wheels race, leaving massive toy explosion in the dust.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Everything passes
On the other side of the tantrum today, quicker than in the past, thanks to the willingness to choose this way of life over the other. Having plenty of experience with being happy, joyous and free sure makes it uncomfortable to sit in my shit. My old best friend misery definitely is not as much fun as I remember it to be. I have a strong belief today that my suffering is a choice, as is my happiness.
Pretty simple stuff really...talk about it, write about it, pray about it, work with others. I think I might get it tattooed on my arm forearm for those special occasions of willfulness and self pity.
Nothing is really different today, except my perspective. Everything is okay in this moment. Getting there was as easy as starting my day with prayer and meditation, putting on the happy tunes, talking to a newcomer, calling my sponsor, reading a new book, dinner/dance off with the kids. All resulted in me finding my gratitude...getting me into the solution and out of the problem that centers in my mind.
I was reminded tonight that everyday is a victory if I don't pick up. I may not do it perfectly, but I'm not expected to. As long as I'm not drinking, things will always improve and there is a hope. When I do drink, all bets are off. I have the chance to do it differently at any point. Just because I take my willingness back doesn't mean I can't turn it over again and again if necessary. Today, I am willing.
Pretty simple stuff really...talk about it, write about it, pray about it, work with others. I think I might get it tattooed on my arm forearm for those special occasions of willfulness and self pity.
Nothing is really different today, except my perspective. Everything is okay in this moment. Getting there was as easy as starting my day with prayer and meditation, putting on the happy tunes, talking to a newcomer, calling my sponsor, reading a new book, dinner/dance off with the kids. All resulted in me finding my gratitude...getting me into the solution and out of the problem that centers in my mind.
I was reminded tonight that everyday is a victory if I don't pick up. I may not do it perfectly, but I'm not expected to. As long as I'm not drinking, things will always improve and there is a hope. When I do drink, all bets are off. I have the chance to do it differently at any point. Just because I take my willingness back doesn't mean I can't turn it over again and again if necessary. Today, I am willing.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Feeling very lost tonight
Serious case of the fuck its today. Feeling totally overwhelmed and alone. My path does not seem clear in the least. I don't feel like I am getting any insight by doing that next right thing at all. I am struggling with finding peace and gratitude in my now. Today I read, prayed and mediated and still willfully chose path B to escape my discomfort, which of course leaves me with all those feelings of guilt and shame.
My options now...continue to act out my self destruction and sit in my self pity or make a conscious choice to do it different. Turning off this sad sack music will be choice one...Mamma Mia soundtrack, work your magic!
My options now...continue to act out my self destruction and sit in my self pity or make a conscious choice to do it different. Turning off this sad sack music will be choice one...Mamma Mia soundtrack, work your magic!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Reason, Season, And A Lifetime
I stumbled across this tonight while screwing around online. (I can't find an author name so my apologies for not giving proper credit. ) It still amazes me how when I am willing, I hear, or read in this case, exactly what I need to.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.Some people come into our lives and quickly go..Some people become friends and stay awhile...leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!!
I have always struggled with letting people pass from my life. Friends, family, sponsors, sponsees, lovers. It has never been a graceful or peaceful process to watch. My tantrums have been especially magnificent with love. I am making progress in that department. My outside reactions are improving, but the agonizing feelings of abandonment still persist when I insist on sitting in my suffering.
Tonight I am practicing feeling gratitude for the people in my life, past and present. Thank you for allowing me opportunities to practice. Thank you for teaching me what I needed to know. Thank you for helping me to grow. Thank you for inspiring me, Thank you for loving me.
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