I am having some very uncomfortable emotions tonight surrounding what is best for my children. I am feeling completely powerless to make any changes for them. I am tremendously angry with my ex husband and am having to use every bit of me to not do something I will regret. I am sad for what they have to go through when they are not here. I am feeling guilty that things are not perfect here either, that my patience is not always what I want it to be and that I sometimes fall short in being the mother I want to be.
I have talked it to death today. I am now writing about it, trying to get myself into the solution and out of this gigantic, swirling pit of ugly emotions and self pity. Right now, in this moment, the only next right thing for me to do is pause and ask for the right thought or action, feel it, and not run or try to escape it.
So, here I am sitting with it, hating it!!!
Tonight I can do nothing but surrender and have faith, that is if I want to have some peace. I could definitely spin on it and freak out. I like this option better.
I will not be calling him and causing wreckage. I will not be driving to his house. I will not be threatening him. I will not be acting on any of these other crazy ideas I have spinning out of control in this colorful mind of Crazy Melissa. All of these nots are very contrary to my nature, but I know pausing, praying, and surrendering are the ways to peace for me.
Tomorrow, however, the next right thing will be to get into action and do what's best for these beautiful children. I am so grateful tonight that I am a sober, present mother, able and willing to take this step for them.
Are you sure I didnt write this? Perhaps our poor kids can get together and exchange notes on the subject matter!?
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry things are not good right now. The other day I told someone I am the poster child of why NOT to get a divorce. Dealing with what happens out of my control at his home drives me insane!
But, as you said you are a sober mother who CAN handle this. I was thinking the exact same thing the other day... if this had been happening in my life 18mos ago Im sure the outcomes would be alot different. Now, Im committed and focused on my kid- nothing else.
Hang in there. I hope things work out for everyone. ((HUGS))
Thank you. I needed support this morning ♥ It sounds like we, my frined, are on similar paths. What a gift that we are doing it in recovery. I know for me, the results are much, much different when I use the tools of the program and surrender my will. It might not always be comfortable, but it can always be walked through and peace can be found when I am willing.
ReplyDeleteThanks again and stay strong. Congratulations on 18 mnonths...always a miracle, that amazes me. We are strong, women of worth, that CAN handle this and be the present mothers for our children that we were meant to be. ♥
I'm sorry I wasn't here on time to give you a hug. I'm praying sincerely for your happiness. Today will turn beautiful. :)
ReplyDeletethanks girl. My day was beautiful..quiet peace amongst life happening. Who'd a thought that was possible?!
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