My little, big, family

It has come to my attention that my speaking in generalities and I am sure, my lack of daily posts, has caused some confusion.  

So here goes, my amazing life and some of its developments from the past few months.

I have met and completely fallen in love with the most amazing, beautiful woman, who also happens to be in recovery.  It is a love unlike anything I have ever know.   In part, I know, because I have never been in a place to actually love someone before, unselfishly and unafraid, to love them for just who they are and to allow myself to be loved in the same way.  Love, love, love her.  She added the fourth to our little family.

Numbers five, six, and seven, arrived in time for Christmas.  They are her three daughters, who oddly enough are exactly the same age as my own.  They too, are amazing and beautiful!

So there we are, five kids between the ages of 8 and 10, four girls and my darling boy, who is absolutely loving being the protective big brother, at least for now.  We'll see when he is completely over run with barbies, zhu zhu pets, iCarly, and Justin Bieber.

I am absolutely loving this amazing journey of life.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide

Long, long, beautiful day!!

Our little family of 4 has double in size in the last 24 hours.  In one word...WOW!!  In a few more, fantastic, amazing, frightening, BUSY.  

The build up to this event, in my mind over the past month, has included a lot of excitement and a lot of fear.  What I know about fear, is that most of the time, I make it out to be much, much bigger than it really is, the imagined outcome is rarely anything close to reality, and it can completely take me out of the present.  When I am in fear, I am not in faith.  My higher power has yet to let me down, surrendering it always works, and the outcome, although not always how I would have planned it, I am always taken care of.

Today was a long, long day, with the now, 6 loves of my life.  I wouldn't have changed one minute of it!!

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide

Gratitude

I am absolutely filled with it today. What an amazingly fantastic life this is!! Not always perfect for sure, but absolutely filled with more peace and joy than I thought was ever possible.

My weekend was spent with the three loves of my life...filled with lots of happy times, pancake breakfast at their school, first basketball game of the season, dance off's, ZooZoo pets extravaganza, best Christmas movie ever (Polar express) and lots of laughs...some stressful and tearful moments including, fights over the wii, Christmas present peeking, heart to hearts about honesty and kindness, and a very emotional last night. Every single moment, I am grateful for. What a great gift of sobriety!! Being a present mom, friend and partner to the people in my life is not always easy, quite uncomfortable sometimes, but always, always most fantastic!!

Just stay...

I am well aware of the fact that everyone doesn't get it or they just aren't ready or need to do some more research. I know that I am powerless over my sponsees and their choices and their level of willingness to choose this life over that one. I know the power of the 'fuck its'. I understand not having faith in the fact that a higher power won't drop me ass.

Knowing all of this does not make it any easier when someone close to me relapses. It doesn't stop the feelings of thinking I could have done something different or more. It doesn't stop me from wanting to hold on to them so tight and so close that they can't go anywhere. I know that I don't have that much power. I know that all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope, trust that they have their own journey, their own higher power, and surrender.

I am reminded tonight that the way to peace is through willingness, acceptance and surrender. I am grateful for my life, my recovery, and for the amazing people in it.

Long Weekend...

Love, love, love these kids, but...4 four cold, rainy days and my patience is starting to dwindle. From experience, I will not be praying for patience. I think instead, I will be doing a lot of pausing and asking for the right thought or action. In this moment, regrouping as we sit in the car with a dead battery. Gotta love opportunities to practice being my best self. Thank you.

good reminder

I was reminded today that I take that first drink in my mind long before I actually relapse. I have had 4 people in my life in the past two weeks 'go out' and the similarities in their story are no coincidence...stop going to meetings, stop talking honestly to others about what's going on, stop working with others...in general a loss of willingness to do the things necessary to have a daily reprieve. Complacency in my recovery, thinking I don't need to do this stuff on the regular, will get me to that dangerous place that when shit does hit the fan, I have absolutely no defense against it. My recovery and my peace are directly proportional to the amount of my effort and my willingness. My fit spiritual conditional is not based on my yesterday's efforts, but rather, what I have done today. With that, coffee and reading, prayer, and meditation here I come.

amazing...

I am so filled with gratitude today. I absolutely love my life. It's not because I have money, a great house, my dream job, but because of the peace and love that have become such a daily presence in it.

When I came into recovery I never imagined how completely different my life could be. I really expected nothing more than to learn how to stop drinking. Actually, let's be honest. I hope you people would show me how to do it successfully. I didn't know that I had a living problem. What I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is how to do my life differently, how to walk through it, instead of checking out. I have gained the ability to find peace amongst the chaos. I have learned that suffering is optional, as is finding happiness. Today I choose to be willing to find my joy, despite my circumstances. It is a fantastic place to be and I am loving this journey!

missing this

My internet has been out for a week and blogging on this phone drives me crazy! I am feeling the difference in my peace and serenity not getting my thoughts out this way! I talked to my sponsor last night and she was like, your journal's not broken is it...actually that's not exactly what she said. She is much more tactful, but that's what I heard. So, I journaled. I felt better. I am so stubborn sometimes. I am still missing blogland though!

balance

"Finding the right balance between our duties and our intersts takes daily attention. It is perhaps our greatest struggle." Daily Meditation for Women.