Are you kidding??

The time...5 am. 

The call...

HER:  have you been drinking?? 

ME:  What??  Are you kidding??

I could hear in her voice that everything was not okay.  She was calling for a ride to the hospital, as a result of getting her ass kicked last night while drunk.  She called me because she knows I don't drink.  I spent some time on the phone with her, but I had kids in bed sleeping.  I called some of our friends, but of course no one answered...5 am!  I told her to take a cab and I would pick her up after I dropped kids off at school this morning.

She is definitely one of us.  It sucks, but I pray daily that she hits her bottom soon.

Being back in the restaurant business has changed the face of some of my friends.  I love these girls I work with, but it feels scarily familiar to the old days.  Nights at the club, picking up drunk friends, crazy calls and texts at all hours...straight drama.  I am finding myself questioning how healthy this is and if this is what I want my life to look like today.  Where is the line between being a good friend and being codependent??  Am I being example that you don't have to drink to have fun or just putting myself into situations, that one day, when I'm not feeling spiritually fit, will give me the perfect opportunity to say FUCK IT?!  Is this what the hand of AA looks like or is it me trying to cling onto my past??

Just trying to figure out my motives here...

Too Happy...scary!!

Just woke from my peaceful slumber to feelings of PANIC. 

I am way too happy! 

My life has shown me that it never lasts, so prepare yourself.  My head still can tell me you don't deserve it, you are a fraud.  Run, run, run before you get hurt.  Don't let anyone too close, you can't trust them.

I don't want to do this today.  I don't.  I want to stay present to experience the joy in my life without the question of, how long will it last this time?   Questioning it keeps me from giving myself fully to it.  Staying in this moment, right here, allows me to silence my scared, misdirected Crazy Melissa and find serenity.  So, hanging up my future tripping crown for the night and attempting to find my peaceful slumber again.

Hangover by Association?

It is now almost 4 am and I cannot sleep...aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!  Tonight bothered me more than I thought.  In the moment of sitting with my drunk friend, I was able to find peace by praying every few minutes.  I was able to find words to say to her.  I was able to stay calm.  I felt like I the right thought or action was given to me in the moment.  When she left I felt grateful for my life, how it is today and hopeful for her.

Now however, I can't get the thought of her breathe out of my mind.  I actually feel like I can still smell it, taste it in my mouth.  The stench like having taken a bath in alcohol, cigarettes and vomit, it oozing from every pore.  Funny how a smell can trigger a memory.  It reminds me of all those morning I woke up so hung over I did not feel alive and didn't want to be.  It is bringing back all those mornings of incomprehensible demoralization...what in the hell did I do last night, who did hurt, steal from, lie to, sleep with?  I am not feeling right at all right now.  My stomach is doing flip flops and my head won't stop spinning.

The hand of AA

I was on my way to my regular Tuesday night of sponsor, step work and meeting when I got the call.  One of my friends with about 30 days went out.  She called me from the bar. 

FUCK!!  Pick up the stupid phone before you drink!!

She asked me to come pick her up, so I did.  What a reminder of exactly what I look like and more importantly, what I feel like when I am drinking.  In a few words...miserable, hopeless, and bankrupt. 

I am so grateful tonight to know that there is a solution.  I am grateful that I am willing to use the tools to get and keep me in a place of peace and serenity, despite life happening.  I am grateful for a higher power working in my life, even if I don't always understand the plan.   I am grateful to an awesome sponsor, my supportive friends and family.  I am grateful  for my life today and everything in it, the seemingly good and the seemingly bad.

Not to leave the story unfinished, we are going to a meeting tomorrow.  What an honor to be in a place to be the hand of AA tonight!

What a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful weekend

Life really is rockin right now!  I really can't imagine being happier.  Well I could, but that's just crazy talk!  It is definitely not because life has stopped happening...work sucked Friday, 'lost' more than half of what I made, got in a fight with one of my favorite co-workers, came home to a bathroom flooded in two inches of water, and our kitten ran away this morning (yes, the same one I called an asshole a week ago...feeling kinda crappy about that now). 

The perfectly fantastic part, to me, was not letting any of that outside stuff steal my serenity.  The kids and I have had so much fun this weekend...slumber party with my son's best friend, baked cookies, did not burn dinner for a change, two trips to the pool, loads of fun at the park, where I shot hoops for the first time in years, and of course lots of singing, dancing and playing of the guitar.

It could have been so much different had I chose to sit in the seemingly bad.  A quick call to my sponsor, reaching out to other suffering alcoholics, and getting into gratitude helped to change my perspective and allowed me to not miss being present for the two loves of my life.  It works...it really does!!

Writing...one of my favorite tools.

I have been struggling with finding a topic to write about the past few nights.  I think it's because everything is going so well right now.  SCARY... 

This blog has become such a great tool for me to get out of the problem, into the solution and to the point of surrender.  The act of sitting here and writing gets the crazy thoughts out of my head, into my arm and out onto paper (well the paper of the 21st century).  It helps me straighten out the fact from the fiction I produce.  This alcoholic mind certainly spins small pieces of information, half of the story, into blockbuster drama, with me as the star. 

I have found that writing helps me get clear.  To see my motivation behind my actions.  Helps me to get honest.   Shows me that I am sitting in self pity.   Gets me into my now.   Convinces me that I am really okay in this moment.   Changes my perspective and moves me to a place of gratitude.  And, forces me to see my part in all the situations that make me crazy.  I am so grateful tonight for the simple tools I have learned that have given me a life worth living.

The BIG Picture

It is so easy forget, to get caught up in the everyday events of my life and in my self will to try to run it all, try to force what I want to happen.  It is easy for me to forget that my best ideas are the ones that had me drinking at 7 in the morning and thinking that my life was just fine.  I still can't believe how insane my thinking can be at times when I take back my willingness.

The difference today is, when I get quiet and sit with my HP, instead of crazy Melissa, I can get out of my will and feel the will the universe has for me.  I don't always know what the 'right' course of action is, I am still extremely impatient to see what my life has in store for me, and my self will still rears its ugly head...but, today...I can listen to that quiet voice inside me, I can surrender the outcome, and I can trust that my will is not always in line with what is best for me.

Today I got a glimpse of what my path may be, why I have been doing the things I have been doing, why things have worked out just as they have and what the universe has been preparing me for.  It is not what I expected it to look like, but it is amazing none the less.  I am grateful today for all the practice my HP has been giving me, preparing me for what's next, helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  Grateful to see evidence that doing the next right thing and surrendering the outcome works.  Let go and let G.O.D.

No Matter What

Not having to pick up no matter what, has felt like the theme of the last few meetings I have been to. 

Yesterday in a meeting, the chair shared how he has walked through so much in recovery, including the death of his 29 year old son at 13 years sober.  He said that, although it was one of the most painful experiences of his life and the urge to escape was overwhelming, he was at a meeting 500 miles from home, six hours later.  And what do you know, he heard exactly what he needed to hear.  He ran into a man that had lost his daughter at 9 years sober.  He was celebrating 9 months that day.  What he shared was simple but profound, 'When I came to, my daughter was still dead.  It changed nothing.'.  All the feelings were still there waiting for him, but were now compounded by guilt and shame and all the wreckage to clean up.

I felt compelled to share this story at the meeting I went to tonight after someone shared the pain she was experiencing as a result of a friend's suicide over the weekend.  Today she was celebrating 13 years clean and as much as she wanted to run, she had not. 

What I know from my own experience is life is going to continue to happen.  For me...divorce, loss of my job and my home, loss of love, severe depression, difficult people, places and things.  Nowhere is it promised to be perfect.  What is promised is that I will have a new way to get through it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, but through it none the less.  I don't have to pick up NO MATTER WHAT!!  And the great thing is, if I use the tools I have been blessed to learn in this program, I can have peace amongst the storm.  What a gift!!

More practice...thanks??

Trying to be grateful tonight.  Grateful that I am sober and have tools to deal with this ever-exciting rollercoaster ride of my life. 

It really just keeping coming doesn't it?

I told my sponsor I was tired of practicing last week.  Thinking my HP might agree and pull back some of the life lessons for a couple of days, I also directed that comment upward.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that the universe is taking advantage of my willingness and giving me as much as possible because who knows how long it will last.

My main challenge as of late is to continue to live by spirtual principles, to act responsibly and with integrity, in situations where I want to say, FUCK IT!  Instead, I continue to try desparately to get my heart in line with my head and get out of this self will and in line with want the universe wants. 

Doncha know that this alcoholic wants what she wants, when she wants it dammit!  I want to scream, I've got patience down...can we please move on already.  I guess that is just proof that I don't.  So gratitude it is.  Yay!!! More practice!!