Wednesday, March 14, 2012

too much??

I am feeling very overshelmed tonight. In my quest for peace and happiness, I'm thinking that I have 'packed too much into the stream of life". I started a college class this week. I am still coaching. I am trying to keep up with my 3 sponsees. Teaching all day. Being 'present mom' again. Reconnecting with old friends and devoloping new connections.

I am not complaining about any of this. All of it is fantastic and has brought be back to life, but I am struggling to fit it all in and find anytime for prayer, meditation, reflection. The hours are seeming to pass way too quickly.

Two months ago, I couldn't find enough to fill my day and today I am blessed with an abundance. Reflecting on what got me to that dark spot, I know that I need to stay focused on my recovey and not go back to skipping meetings and all the other things that I committed myself to...all those things that restored my hope.

Anyway, that's all I've got for tonight. I just thought if I sat down to write, I would be able to slow down for a minute...always an outlet that brings me peace.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Why is letting go so freakin Hard!!!

I am having so much trouble letting go. I don't want to is the major problem, I think. But, I am so tired of being sad. So tired of crying. So, so tired.

Everyday, I pray for help in surrendering, willingness, and courage to take action toward the positive and to do my HP's will. I can say, without a doubt, I am doing better than I was 3 months ago with this, but I get so discouraged when something comes up to remind me of the loss, or the good times, or the uncertainity, and I end up crying. The improvement is that I don't let it immobilize me like I did before. I don't let it steal all of my hope. I do recover faster. And, I do continue to do the next right thing.

I just hate to feel these feelings is the bottom line. I no longer feel completely hopeless and worthless, but the grief, pain, and loneliness feel overwhelming at times. I haven't throw in the towel, but I am so sick of wanting to run from it and escape. I know that all that creates in me is anxiety. I am tired of having fleeting moments that a drink, or 20, would help. I know where that road goes all too well. I know that when I come to, it is all still there waiting and it has changed nothing, at least not in a positive way.

My sponsor keeps saying that the only way to the other side is through it, but this is something that I don't want to go through. Tough shit I guess.

I know all of this resistance is what is standing in my way of acceptance and letting go. For now, in this moment, I will just feel the feelings and keep on keeping on. Do things that bring me joy, be of service, add positive to the world around me. Because, bottom line is, I can't change or control any of it...none. I can only control me, my behavior, and my actions and attitudes.

I will take moments of peace and serenity over that place I was in of complete despair. So, the answer is...keep doing the work, keep trying to trust my HP, and keep remembering that everything really is okay, right here, right now, in this moment.