Wednesday, March 14, 2012

too much??

I am feeling very overshelmed tonight. In my quest for peace and happiness, I'm thinking that I have 'packed too much into the stream of life". I started a college class this week. I am still coaching. I am trying to keep up with my 3 sponsees. Teaching all day. Being 'present mom' again. Reconnecting with old friends and devoloping new connections.

I am not complaining about any of this. All of it is fantastic and has brought be back to life, but I am struggling to fit it all in and find anytime for prayer, meditation, reflection. The hours are seeming to pass way too quickly.

Two months ago, I couldn't find enough to fill my day and today I am blessed with an abundance. Reflecting on what got me to that dark spot, I know that I need to stay focused on my recovey and not go back to skipping meetings and all the other things that I committed myself to...all those things that restored my hope.

Anyway, that's all I've got for tonight. I just thought if I sat down to write, I would be able to slow down for a minute...always an outlet that brings me peace.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Why is letting go so freakin Hard!!!

I am having so much trouble letting go. I don't want to is the major problem, I think. But, I am so tired of being sad. So tired of crying. So, so tired.

Everyday, I pray for help in surrendering, willingness, and courage to take action toward the positive and to do my HP's will. I can say, without a doubt, I am doing better than I was 3 months ago with this, but I get so discouraged when something comes up to remind me of the loss, or the good times, or the uncertainity, and I end up crying. The improvement is that I don't let it immobilize me like I did before. I don't let it steal all of my hope. I do recover faster. And, I do continue to do the next right thing.

I just hate to feel these feelings is the bottom line. I no longer feel completely hopeless and worthless, but the grief, pain, and loneliness feel overwhelming at times. I haven't throw in the towel, but I am so sick of wanting to run from it and escape. I know that all that creates in me is anxiety. I am tired of having fleeting moments that a drink, or 20, would help. I know where that road goes all too well. I know that when I come to, it is all still there waiting and it has changed nothing, at least not in a positive way.

My sponsor keeps saying that the only way to the other side is through it, but this is something that I don't want to go through. Tough shit I guess.

I know all of this resistance is what is standing in my way of acceptance and letting go. For now, in this moment, I will just feel the feelings and keep on keeping on. Do things that bring me joy, be of service, add positive to the world around me. Because, bottom line is, I can't change or control any of it...none. I can only control me, my behavior, and my actions and attitudes.

I will take moments of peace and serenity over that place I was in of complete despair. So, the answer is...keep doing the work, keep trying to trust my HP, and keep remembering that everything really is okay, right here, right now, in this moment.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Can't wait to read these books...

I found this on facebook today. It is from a book called Love to You.

And the other book, I found in a thrift store today...Eat Mangos Naked.

Although I am still having a lot of ups and downs, my life seems to be so much better when I am filling it with the positive, letting go of the should be and should have been's, and surrender to this great thing that I call HP.

Shout out to my amazing sponsor who helps remind me when I forget...

Oh, one last picture. One of the positives...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Finding my Happiness

So my journey has helped me to remember this important life lesson. Feeling very grateful.

And now a clip from one of my favorite movies...the power has been within me the whole time!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012


So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!