I have attempted several posts in the last hour, all oozing with toxic, unproductive self pity.
I will just say that, I have every desire to go to sleep tonight and wake up when this holiday season has past.
With that out of the way, onto the reframe. I need to remember what have today. I have the opportunity to be a sober woman of worth...a mother, a partner, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a sponsor, an artist, a musican, a positive force and productive member of society.
I definitely have to choice to hide away in my house, in the dark, wasting this opportunity. Not today self pity. You are not taking me.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”
I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.
I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.
I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.
But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.
It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.
I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.
I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.
But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.
It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Getting back to teaching...YAY!!!
I have been an out of work high school teacher for the past two years, paying the bills by going back to waiting tables. The first 6 months or so were so miserable. I couldn't find my purpose and was filled with negative self talk every single day. The last year or so I have come to terms with it and have really enjoyed it, so much so that it has kept me from trying to get back into teaching. Well, that and the fear. Fear of trying, fear of rejection, fear that I had lost my passion for it.
So, I finally feel like I am ready to get back out there. I had orientation this morning to start with a new district and I am very excited. I forgot how much I love teaching. There is some fear, but it's the good, butterfly in the stomach kind, not the terrifying, am I doing the right thing kind. It feels good to be moving forward again and feel like I am moving in a positive direction.
Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide
So, I finally feel like I am ready to get back out there. I had orientation this morning to start with a new district and I am very excited. I forgot how much I love teaching. There is some fear, but it's the good, butterfly in the stomach kind, not the terrifying, am I doing the right thing kind. It feels good to be moving forward again and feel like I am moving in a positive direction.
Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide
Friday, January 14, 2011
Get back on track ALREADY!!
It has been a long month of not doing the things I need to do to stay "sane". I'm not sure why this is, but sometimes it takes a lot of discomfort for me to "come to" and get my ass in gear.
So here it is...I am tired of not feeling connected and I know what to do about, so DO IT ALREADY!!!
Day 1 of getting back on track...
1. Admitting that I feel crazy right now
2. Writing this
3. Pray
4. Read something...
5. Stop being lazy and go to a meeting, even
though all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch
6. Work with someone else and get off this crazy train
That's the plan. It doesn't feel like it's gonna work right now, but I know from experience, that it does,every, single time...so do it already!!!
Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide
So here it is...I am tired of not feeling connected and I know what to do about, so DO IT ALREADY!!!
Day 1 of getting back on track...
1. Admitting that I feel crazy right now
2. Writing this
3. Pray
4. Read something...
5. Stop being lazy and go to a meeting, even
though all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch
6. Work with someone else and get off this crazy train
That's the plan. It doesn't feel like it's gonna work right now, but I know from experience, that it does,every, single time...so do it already!!!
Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G Slide
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