Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Finding my Happiness

So my journey has helped me to remember this important life lesson. Feeling very grateful.

And now a clip from one of my favorite movies...the power has been within me the whole time!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012


So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Just Another Day???

Needing to start this day with some positivity. I have been up since four, spinning in my head on how to make this just another day, have no expectations, and praying for the courage to do what is in front of me.

Luckily with the amount I have packed in today, there won't be much time for thinking (distact, distract, distract), perhaps that is why I thought starting it with some reflection on what is important to keep in focus would be wise.

Yesterday, I finished up step six with my sponsor. In the moving on section, the question was asked, how do you see yourself without these character defects, what do you see yourself 'being' in terms of career, mother, friend, goals. My answer was I want to...

Take care of me and my responsibilities...recovery, sleeping, eating, taking care of the house, bills, etc

The best mother I can be...present, fun, consistent

The best teacher I can be...present, prepared, inspiring

The best partner I can be...patient, respectful,interdependent

Bring positive to the world...don't isolate and do what I do

Fill my life with things that uplift my soul...painting, guitar, good friends

So, how to do that today?? Since I woke up so early, I will be heading to school to make sure that I am prepared, change my seating charts, and praying for where I can be of most service. I don't have my kids today, so I plan on dropping off a valentine to them at school today and giving them the biggest hug and kiss ever and telling them how much they mean to me. I will be going to group therapy twice today and then to a meeting. And, somewhere in there I am going to work on my art blog and try to pick up my guitar, which has been collecting dust for 2 months.

First though, I think I am going to do a litle reading, prayer and meditation.

Just another day?? No!! Making the most of this day!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Art from the soul: Loss...

Art from the soul: Loss...: Painted early 2007 This was painted right after my separate from my husband.  I no longer had my children on a daily basis, which was one...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Four months of catching up...

So, this has been probably the hardest four months I have had in my seven years of sobriety and the lesson that I learned is this...I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!! No one is responsible for my peace and serenity but me and what I have learned is that I have to be in close contact with my HP and sponsor, I have to go to as many meetings as I can, I have to write, work the steps, pray, work with others, and be willing...willing to let go, willing to surrender to my HP's will, willing to do whatever it takes.

Not just last week, yesterday, or today, but every single day. I have been reminded, not so gently, that I have a daily reprieve. It took me getting to an emotional bottom worse than the bottom that brought me into to program in the first place, but I could not be more grateful for that bottom and the lessons that it has taught me.

I am one of those that is really only motivated by pain and discomfort, something I am trying very hard to change. When I am happy, which I think is true for most of us, I get complacent, which means one less meeting, then two, then not writing, forget about prayer and taking my problems throughs the steps, and then willingness and surrender are totaly out the window. It is a subtle process, but suddenly I have completely lost my conscious contact and when shit hits the fan, I turn completely insane, literally.

The good news is that all it takes is willingness to get back. Follow that with courage and action and I feel like I can handle life on life's terms again. I have found peace, even though the story is not playing out the way I would have written it. I have faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the story is just as it should be, right here, right now, in this moment.

I can still have my emotions around it. I can be sad, hurt, angry, but I don't have to stop living. Those emotions won't kill me. I can sit with them and my HP, know I am powerless over this situation, and surrender to the will of the universe. I can do what is in front of me and continue down the path of doing the next right thing...EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Feeling grateful this night for that knowledge. Feeling grateful for the knowledge that no one can do it for me. I am in charge of my willingness or lack there of. I am in charge taking care of my own emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical sobriety. I am feeling overwhelmingly grateful for my patient sponsor, friends and family. Most of all, even though it was very painful, and I was at the tittering on insanity, I am grateful that I didn't drink or use.

More to come on how I ended up in this spot...and how I got out.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

New Blog

I started a new blog to post all my art and thoughts. My painting are a direct reflection of the emotions of my soul. I have foud it a very theraputic way for me to work through the BS in my head. Check it out if your interested. My plan is to start writing here again.