Discipline

Topic of tonight's meeting and as always, exactly what I needed to hear.  My sponsor and I laughed out loud when the chair announced it, but so did half the room.  I think it's a topic a lot of us needed to ponder tonight.  The most obvious thing that people talked about tonight was continuing to have discipline in their recovery...continuing to go to meetings, work the steps, call their sponsor, work with others, pray and meditate.

I know for myself, when things start to go good, I think, oh I don't need to pray and mediate today, that meeting really isn't necessary tonight, I'll work on my fourth stop tomorrow.  What I need to remind myself is that things are only on an even keel for me because of all that spiritual ground work I have laid.  It all starts to fall apart pretty fast when I sit back and rest on my laurels. When I don't make that deposit into my spiritual account.  My life is awesome today, not because I run it so great, but because I am doing the things I know I need to do to keep myself in fit spiritual condition. When I stop doing that stuff and start to run on self will it gets all bad in a hot minute.

So, yes, being diligent about my recovery is something I definitely have to stay disciplined about, but my current struggle has been with knowing what the right thing to do is in my situation with my new girl.  I really am in love this one. We are having some issues surrounding other people's opinions, which I would like to say I could care less about, but come on...this alcoholic could have every person in the room like her but one and lose my mind trying to get that person to change their mind. 

Honestly though, I do have some concerns of my own. We are moving at rocket speed, but it feels right.  I am trying very hard not to question it because after carefully and exhaustively checking of my motives, I know I am in it and acting with integrity.  My biggest concern right now is, she has considerably less sobriety than I do.  I do not want to feel like I am responsible for someone else's recovery.  I am worried that I could become a distraction from what's most important, which is recovery.   Or, if it doesn't work out, it would result in her going out.  I am feeling very codependent right now.  I am trying desperately to find the balance between being loving, supportive, and caring and feeling like her success is dependant on me  As I say it I know that I am giving myself way too much power.

As my sponsor tells me almost daily, a job for prayer...

Are you kidding??

The time...5 am. 

The call...

HER:  have you been drinking?? 

ME:  What??  Are you kidding??

I could hear in her voice that everything was not okay.  She was calling for a ride to the hospital, as a result of getting her ass kicked last night while drunk.  She called me because she knows I don't drink.  I spent some time on the phone with her, but I had kids in bed sleeping.  I called some of our friends, but of course no one answered...5 am!  I told her to take a cab and I would pick her up after I dropped kids off at school this morning.

She is definitely one of us.  It sucks, but I pray daily that she hits her bottom soon.

Being back in the restaurant business has changed the face of some of my friends.  I love these girls I work with, but it feels scarily familiar to the old days.  Nights at the club, picking up drunk friends, crazy calls and texts at all hours...straight drama.  I am finding myself questioning how healthy this is and if this is what I want my life to look like today.  Where is the line between being a good friend and being codependent??  Am I being example that you don't have to drink to have fun or just putting myself into situations, that one day, when I'm not feeling spiritually fit, will give me the perfect opportunity to say FUCK IT?!  Is this what the hand of AA looks like or is it me trying to cling onto my past??

Just trying to figure out my motives here...

What's my motivation? Fuck...nevermind.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than when I tell my sponsor my next big plan and she asks me that question...What's your motivation Melissa?  If I'm honest with her and more importantly with myself, my answer usually turns out to be that I am trying to somehow manipulate the person or situation to get my way, to make someone see my point of view, or seething in my resentment and self righteous anger, feel the need punish someone for some perceived wrong doing.

Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance.  Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to.  Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me.  If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part.  If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive.  Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone!  I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.

Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision.  My reality is just that...my reality.  I can allow others to experience their dream.  One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?  Is arguing here worth losing my serenity?  My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids.  Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces.  My tables do not require my judgement.  None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind.   I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.

The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation.  In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way.  When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.

When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself.  If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.