Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Boarding...New York Bound

Going to New York for a week with my mom and sister to be my new niece's Godmother.  Hate flying and haven't done it sober in a long, long time...wish me luck.  Feeling a little like throwing up right now.

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Monday, December 27, 2010

My little, big, family

It has come to my attention that my speaking in generalities and I am sure, my lack of daily posts, has caused some confusion.  

So here goes, my amazing life and some of its developments from the past few months.

I have met and completely fallen in love with the most amazing, beautiful woman, who also happens to be in recovery.  It is a love unlike anything I have ever know.   In part, I know, because I have never been in a place to actually love someone before, unselfishly and unafraid, to love them for just who they are and to allow myself to be loved in the same way.  Love, love, love her.  She added the fourth to our little family.

Numbers five, six, and seven, arrived in time for Christmas.  They are her three daughters, who oddly enough are exactly the same age as my own.  They too, are amazing and beautiful!

So there we are, five kids between the ages of 8 and 10, four girls and my darling boy, who is absolutely loving being the protective big brother, at least for now.  We'll see when he is completely over run with barbies, zhu zhu pets, iCarly, and Justin Bieber.

I am absolutely loving this amazing journey of life.

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Long, long, beautiful day!!

Our little family of 4 has double in size in the last 24 hours.  In one word...WOW!!  In a few more, fantastic, amazing, frightening, BUSY.  

The build up to this event, in my mind over the past month, has included a lot of excitement and a lot of fear.  What I know about fear, is that most of the time, I make it out to be much, much bigger than it really is, the imagined outcome is rarely anything close to reality, and it can completely take me out of the present.  When I am in fear, I am not in faith.  My higher power has yet to let me down, surrendering it always works, and the outcome, although not always how I would have planned it, I am always taken care of.

Today was a long, long day, with the now, 6 loves of my life.  I wouldn't have changed one minute of it!!

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I am absolutely filled with it today. What an amazingly fantastic life this is!! Not always perfect for sure, but absolutely filled with more peace and joy than I thought was ever possible.

My weekend was spent with the three loves of my life...filled with lots of happy times, pancake breakfast at their school, first basketball game of the season, dance off's, ZooZoo pets extravaganza, best Christmas movie ever (Polar express) and lots of laughs...some stressful and tearful moments including, fights over the wii, Christmas present peeking, heart to hearts about honesty and kindness, and a very emotional last night. Every single moment, I am grateful for. What a great gift of sobriety!! Being a present mom, friend and partner to the people in my life is not always easy, quite uncomfortable sometimes, but always, always most fantastic!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just stay...

I am well aware of the fact that everyone doesn't get it or they just aren't ready or need to do some more research. I know that I am powerless over my sponsees and their choices and their level of willingness to choose this life over that one. I know the power of the 'fuck its'. I understand not having faith in the fact that a higher power won't drop me ass.

Knowing all of this does not make it any easier when someone close to me relapses. It doesn't stop the feelings of thinking I could have done something different or more. It doesn't stop me from wanting to hold on to them so tight and so close that they can't go anywhere. I know that I don't have that much power. I know that all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope, trust that they have their own journey, their own higher power, and surrender.

I am reminded tonight that the way to peace is through willingness, acceptance and surrender. I am grateful for my life, my recovery, and for the amazing people in it.