"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.

I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.

I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.

It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.

yet another addiction

I got home today and my hard drive was fried...aaaaahhhhhhh!  I really don't know when I am going to be able to get it fixed.  I didn't realize how frickin addicted I had become to facebook and blogging.  I feel pretty good about the blog thing, but my facebook addiction has definitely become a problem. (OMG!  I really suck at typing on this new phone!)

Sorry, back to the topic at hand...my stupid computer addiction.  I was in such a panic about not being able to get online. First, I called a friend to see how hard it would be to fix my computer because  I am an idiot when it comes to that stuff.  She said not hard, but she couldn't do it until Friday...oh, no no.  That won't do!  I felt a panic.  The thought of not being able to get on the computer for that long felt erriely familiar. That obsession.  That compulsion.  Those racing thoughts about trying to figure out some way.  The thought came to me...go get a new phone.  I went to the sprint store completely driven, with no regard for the fact that I really can't afford a new phone, but I didn't care.  This had to be fixed. Long story short, I got a new phone, that I don't really need, with a new 2 year agreement with a company I really know nothing about.

It totally felt like that old behavior.  Making decisions with only my selfwill and perceived needs in focus. At no point in this story did I pause or pray, asking for the right thought or action.  No praying happened that my thinking be cleared of wrong motives.  Maybe this was the 'right' course of action, but it felt very much like the old, crazy impulsive Melissa and I didn't like it one bit!

It's not me, it's you...oh wait.

I got to work today and hated my first table.  Then the next, then the next.  Everyone at work was pissing me off.  Douche Bags...I want to punch you all in your faces!!

The thought started to come to me that it must be me, but I quickly pushed that away.  No!  They really are!

I acted like a baby all day.  Finally got off, way later than I thought I would, rushing very excited to pick up the kids.   That will snap me out of it.  After about 5 minutes, they got added to the list of poeple that were driving me crazy.  It was one of those nights where I had zero patience and couldn't wait to put them into bed.  Now that they are in bed, I will find peace I thought. 

Nope!  Now my cat is acting like an asshole (can't take credit for that line...came from a cool girl I know ♥ ).  Getting in the trash.  Knocking shit over.   

The thought has come back to me that maybe it is me.  After rethinking my day, I am positive that it was my perspective and my unwillingmess to choose to be happy.  My bad attitude was the cause of all those crappy interactions. 

That table that hated me.  The coworker I ignored all day.  The people I snapped at.  My ego driven tantrum.  The children that were driving me crazy.   All could have been so much different.  I got stuck in my head today and made sure that I stayed miserable.   I would say what a wasted day, but it was a good reminder that I am in control of my behavior, my reactions and what I put out into the world.

Self discovery...my dark dishonesty

Characters defects?  Yep!!  This trip through the steps has felt so much more thorough and rigorously honest.  Probably why it has been so much more uncomfortable.  Staring that crazy girl in the face and not running away has been intensely unpleasant and humbling, but equally rewarding.

Some of what have I discovered...

Such an intense need for you to like me.  Refuse to tell my truth if I think it will disturb that delicate balancing act I do, thinking I can control you and your emotions and reactions.  Master of manipulation.  Not direct.  Passively aggressively go after what I want.  Never make waves.  Stay under the radar.  Keep up the image that I have it all together.  Dark places stay in check.  Definitely never want you to think you have hurt me or affected me.  Reject before rejection.  A thousand rules, you must follow, that I will never tell you about.  Fear driven. 

Oh this ever peeling onion.  This incredible journey of self discovery.   Each time through the steps, I have come to know myself better, know the motives behind the actions of the girl I lovingly refer to as crazy Melissa.

If I'm not the problem, there is no solution.

So.  This fourth step is definitely doing it's job and kicking my ass.  Hello character defects and self awareness...nice to meet you.  I am not finding it comfortable looking the ugliest parts of me in the face, not one bit...same recurring themes over and over and over.  But, seeing them on paper and talking about them with another person has sure given me some motivation to try practicing something different, hopefully with different results.  It's letting me let go of all those old resentments and see that I had a huge part in most of them..  Today, I don't want to repeat the patterns that have kept me trapped in my cycle of anger and self-pity (NA Step Working Guide p 34),.  Instead, I will be asking the Great and Powerful Oz for courage,  courage to change me, because as I heard once, "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution".