Why is letting go so freakin Hard!!!

I am having so much trouble letting go. I don't want to is the major problem, I think. But, I am so tired of being sad. So tired of crying. So, so tired.

Everyday, I pray for help in surrendering, willingness, and courage to take action toward the positive and to do my HP's will. I can say, without a doubt, I am doing better than I was 3 months ago with this, but I get so discouraged when something comes up to remind me of the loss, or the good times, or the uncertainity, and I end up crying. The improvement is that I don't let it immobilize me like I did before. I don't let it steal all of my hope. I do recover faster. And, I do continue to do the next right thing.

I just hate to feel these feelings is the bottom line. I no longer feel completely hopeless and worthless, but the grief, pain, and loneliness feel overwhelming at times. I haven't throw in the towel, but I am so sick of wanting to run from it and escape. I know that all that creates in me is anxiety. I am tired of having fleeting moments that a drink, or 20, would help. I know where that road goes all too well. I know that when I come to, it is all still there waiting and it has changed nothing, at least not in a positive way.

My sponsor keeps saying that the only way to the other side is through it, but this is something that I don't want to go through. Tough shit I guess.

I know all of this resistance is what is standing in my way of acceptance and letting go. For now, in this moment, I will just feel the feelings and keep on keeping on. Do things that bring me joy, be of service, add positive to the world around me. Because, bottom line is, I can't change or control any of it...none. I can only control me, my behavior, and my actions and attitudes.

I will take moments of peace and serenity over that place I was in of complete despair. So, the answer is...keep doing the work, keep trying to trust my HP, and keep remembering that everything really is okay, right here, right now, in this moment.

Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Finding my Happiness

So my journey has helped me to remember this important life lesson. Feeling very grateful.

And now a clip from one of my favorite movies...the power has been within me the whole time!!!

Numb...

So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

Four months of catching up...

So, this has been probably the hardest four months I have had in my seven years of sobriety and the lesson that I learned is this...I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!! No one is responsible for my peace and serenity but me and what I have learned is that I have to be in close contact with my HP and sponsor, I have to go to as many meetings as I can, I have to write, work the steps, pray, work with others, and be willing...willing to let go, willing to surrender to my HP's will, willing to do whatever it takes.

Not just last week, yesterday, or today, but every single day. I have been reminded, not so gently, that I have a daily reprieve. It took me getting to an emotional bottom worse than the bottom that brought me into to program in the first place, but I could not be more grateful for that bottom and the lessons that it has taught me.

I am one of those that is really only motivated by pain and discomfort, something I am trying very hard to change. When I am happy, which I think is true for most of us, I get complacent, which means one less meeting, then two, then not writing, forget about prayer and taking my problems throughs the steps, and then willingness and surrender are totaly out the window. It is a subtle process, but suddenly I have completely lost my conscious contact and when shit hits the fan, I turn completely insane, literally.

The good news is that all it takes is willingness to get back. Follow that with courage and action and I feel like I can handle life on life's terms again. I have found peace, even though the story is not playing out the way I would have written it. I have faith, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the story is just as it should be, right here, right now, in this moment.

I can still have my emotions around it. I can be sad, hurt, angry, but I don't have to stop living. Those emotions won't kill me. I can sit with them and my HP, know I am powerless over this situation, and surrender to the will of the universe. I can do what is in front of me and continue down the path of doing the next right thing...EVEN WHEN I DON'T WANT TO.

Feeling grateful this night for that knowledge. Feeling grateful for the knowledge that no one can do it for me. I am in charge of my willingness or lack there of. I am in charge taking care of my own emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical sobriety. I am feeling overwhelmingly grateful for my patient sponsor, friends and family. Most of all, even though it was very painful, and I was at the tittering on insanity, I am grateful that I didn't drink or use.

More to come on how I ended up in this spot...and how I got out.

"When the pain to stay the same exceeds the pain to change, you change.”

I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.

I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.

I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.

It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.

surrender...

VENTING...In this moment, I hate CPS for doing nothing to help these kids,my lawyer for dragging his feet for the past eight months to get us into mediation to adjust custody, and my ex husband for the damage he is doing to these beautiful, loving,kind children. I am sad for my children that they spoke up, telling the truth about what is going on, and still have to go back there tomorrow. I feel inadequate and ineffective because nothing I am doing seems to be having any positive results.

SOLUTION...Surrender is not throwing your hands in the air, it is doing your part and trusting a power greater than yourself to take care of the outcome. This business with the kids is almost too much to bare at times. These are the moments that I know that I am slipping out of faith and into fear and self will, expecting results on my timeframe, the way I have envisioned them to be. What I know from experience is, when I do what is right in front of me and leave the outcome to the universe to handle, I am always left with a deep sense of peace and am surprised at how I come out on the other side. Rarely is it how I would have planned it, but I am always carried, with results exceeding anything I would have mapped out for myself. I have seen it work with everything from where I would live, my career, money, love, and heartbreak. I know my higher power can be trusted with my children. So, for tonight, surrender it is.

Peace within the Hula Hoop

The overwhelming emotions of last night have subsided, transforming into a peaceful sadness that I have done the next right thing.  Now, my next course of action is to wait, pray and surrender.  As my sponsor would say, once I've done my part, wrap them all up in a blanket and give them to my HP to take care of (and yes the ex is included in there, wrapped up much, much tighter than the others :). 

I have made these phone calls before with no results.  What I know is, I have no control over the results, only my part in doing the next right thing.  As much as I would love to control, manipulate, and change the actions and behaviors of others, there is such a freedom in realizing I have no control over them, just me and what's inside this hula hoop.  That powerless feeling slips away and is replaced with peace.  It's so exhausting trying to arrange all the players anyway, especially when I have so much on my plate just trying to keep all of my own craziness in check.  It's a gift to understand that they have their path and I have mine.  

  

Sitting with it...feelings suck!!!

I am having some very uncomfortable emotions tonight surrounding what is best for my children.  I am feeling completely powerless to make any changes for them.  I am tremendously angry with my ex husband and am having to use every bit of me to not do something I will regret.  I am sad for what they have to go through when they are not here.  I am feeling guilty that things are not perfect here either, that my patience is not always what I want it to be and that I sometimes fall short in being the mother I want to be.

I have talked it to death today.  I am now writing about it, trying to get myself into the solution and out of this gigantic, swirling pit of ugly emotions and self pity.   Right now, in this moment, the only next right thing for me to do is pause and ask for the right thought or action, feel it, and not run or try to escape it. 

So, here I am sitting with it, hating it!!!   

Tonight I can do nothing but surrender and have faith, that is if I want to have some peace.  I could definitely spin on it and freak out.  I like this option better. 

I will not be calling him and causing wreckage.  I will not be driving to his house.  I will not be threatening him.   I will not be acting on any of these other crazy ideas I have spinning out of control in this colorful mind of Crazy Melissa.  All of these nots are very contrary to my nature, but I know pausing, praying, and surrendering are the ways to peace for me. 

Tomorrow, however, the next right thing will be to get into action and do what's best for these beautiful children.  I am so grateful tonight that I am a sober, present mother, able and willing to take this step for them.

Dancing my way into surrender

Handling business,

heading out
to rock this day!!

doing what I can do,

letting my HP handle the rest.

Surrendering to the will of the Universe...

This day has been exhausting.  First, my car would not start and then I found out that checks I have been expecting to come for weeks will not be coming...FANTASTIC!!  I am so tired of struggling financially.  Really??  Does it have to be this hard?? 

I can let go of the fear.  I can trust that it will all work out.  I know that I won't be dropped on my ass.  But, I would love it if it didn't feel like such a daily battle.  It seems like just as I put one fire out another starts.  I need to remind myself that it was never promised that life would stop happening, just that I would be able to deal with it with some semblance of grace and have serenity through it.  This promise is based on my willingness to do what's in my control, the next right thing, and surrender the outcome...trusting that everything is not going to be alright, it already is.

Okay...panic attack over.  This God box is getting full!!  What I have found out by looking back through old deposits is that all that stuff that felt like such a big deal in the moment, has since passed.  I survived it, walked through it without a drink or a drug and came out on the other side with a stronger sense of faith that things might not always go the way I have them envisioned, but I am always taken care of.

New Baby...

My sister is having a baby today!!!  This last few weeks have been especially stressful for our entire family.  Her first son had some scary complications during the birth and has a shoulder disability as a result.  That day was easily one of the scariest days of my life. 

So, we have all been more than a little nervous about how today would go and are all handling it in our own ways.   Cesarean or not, has been the question from the beginning.   Well, today is the day.  Now more than a week overdue, she is being induced to see how labor progresses, but a baby is guaranteed before days end.  I thought I would be freaking out this morning, but having this relationship with my HP, surrendering the outcome, and trusting that all will work out just as it should is very comforting right now...

Too Happy...scary!!

Just woke from my peaceful slumber to feelings of PANIC. 

I am way too happy! 

My life has shown me that it never lasts, so prepare yourself.  My head still can tell me you don't deserve it, you are a fraud.  Run, run, run before you get hurt.  Don't let anyone too close, you can't trust them.

I don't want to do this today.  I don't.  I want to stay present to experience the joy in my life without the question of, how long will it last this time?   Questioning it keeps me from giving myself fully to it.  Staying in this moment, right here, allows me to silence my scared, misdirected Crazy Melissa and find serenity.  So, hanging up my future tripping crown for the night and attempting to find my peaceful slumber again.

The BIG Picture

It is so easy forget, to get caught up in the everyday events of my life and in my self will to try to run it all, try to force what I want to happen.  It is easy for me to forget that my best ideas are the ones that had me drinking at 7 in the morning and thinking that my life was just fine.  I still can't believe how insane my thinking can be at times when I take back my willingness.

The difference today is, when I get quiet and sit with my HP, instead of crazy Melissa, I can get out of my will and feel the will the universe has for me.  I don't always know what the 'right' course of action is, I am still extremely impatient to see what my life has in store for me, and my self will still rears its ugly head...but, today...I can listen to that quiet voice inside me, I can surrender the outcome, and I can trust that my will is not always in line with what is best for me.

Today I got a glimpse of what my path may be, why I have been doing the things I have been doing, why things have worked out just as they have and what the universe has been preparing me for.  It is not what I expected it to look like, but it is amazing none the less.  I am grateful today for all the practice my HP has been giving me, preparing me for what's next, helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  Grateful to see evidence that doing the next right thing and surrendering the outcome works.  Let go and let G.O.D.

What's my motivation? Fuck...nevermind.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than when I tell my sponsor my next big plan and she asks me that question...What's your motivation Melissa?  If I'm honest with her and more importantly with myself, my answer usually turns out to be that I am trying to somehow manipulate the person or situation to get my way, to make someone see my point of view, or seething in my resentment and self righteous anger, feel the need punish someone for some perceived wrong doing.

Today I don't want to have to manipulate to get love and acceptance.  Honestly, I am finding that I really don't have to.  Not every relationship looks the way I want them to for sure, but I have faith in the universe's plan for me.  If it's really meant to be, no tricks are required on my part.  If it's not, something just as beautiful will cross my path, that I have to be open and willing to receive.  Side note...it's not gonna kill me to be alone!  I want my happiness to radiate from within, not need someone to justify my worth and existence.

Today I know that everyone does not have to see or understand my vision.  My reality is just that...my reality.  I can allow others to experience their dream.  One of my favorite sayings, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?  Is arguing here worth losing my serenity?  My ex and I will not always agree on what is best for our kids.  Rude people that cross my path do not need to be convinced of their error in social graces.  My tables do not require my judgement.  None of these thoughts have need to occupy my mind.   I can listen to other's points of view, taking what I like and leaving the rest.

The beautiful thing to me about resentments is that I always have a part in their creation.  In some way, my pride and ego have been smashed, I'm not getting what I think I deserve, I am holding on to something that was never mine in the first place, I am not getting my way.  When I see my part, accept the situation just as it is and let go of the resentment, I let go of the need I think I have to get even or make someone know just how much they hurt me.

When I pause today, I get to the point that I remember my motivation is to bring peace and happiness to those around me and find peace and happiness within myself.  If what I want to do in the moment doesn't achieve those goals, I have to say, thanks for sharing crazy Melissa, but we won't be doing that today.

Everything passes

On the other side of the tantrum today, quicker than in the past, thanks to the willingness to choose this way of life over the other.  Having plenty of experience with being happy, joyous and free sure makes it uncomfortable to sit in my shit.  My old best friend misery definitely is not as much fun as I remember it to be.  I have a strong belief today that my suffering is a choice, as is my happiness.

Pretty simple stuff really...talk about it, write about it, pray about it, work with others.  I think I might get it tattooed on my arm forearm for those special occasions of willfulness and self pity. 

Nothing is really different today, except my perspective.  Everything is okay in this moment.  Getting there was as easy as starting my day with prayer and meditation, putting on the happy tunes, talking to a newcomer, calling my sponsor, reading a new book, dinner/dance off with the kids.  All resulted in me finding my gratitude...getting me into the solution and out of the problem that centers in my mind. 

I was reminded tonight that everyday is a victory if I don't pick up.  I may not do it perfectly, but I'm not expected to.  As long as I'm not drinking, things will always improve and there is a hope.  When I do drink, all bets are off.  I have the chance to do it differently at any point.  Just because I take my willingness back doesn't mean I can't turn it over again and again if necessary.  Today, I am willing.

Reason, Season, And A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go..

Some people become friends and stay awhile...

leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...

and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!!

I stumbled across this tonight while screwing around online.  (I can't find an author name so my apologies for not giving proper credit. ) It still amazes me how when I am willing, I hear, or read in this case, exactly what I need to.   

I have always struggled with letting people pass from my life. Friends, family, sponsors, sponsees, lovers.   It has never been a graceful or peaceful process to watch.  My tantrums have been especially magnificent with love.   I am making progress in that department.  My outside reactions are improving, but the agonizing feelings of abandonment still persist when I insist on sitting in my suffering.

Tonight I am practicing feeling gratitude for the people in my life, past and present.  Thank you for allowing me opportunities to practice.  Thank you for teaching me what I needed to know.  Thank you for helping me to grow.  Thank you for inspiring me,  Thank you for loving me.

Finding the willingness to be willing

This nicotine addiction has me by the balls, well the metaphoric balls at least.  I am now chewing more than I ever have.  I know that it is tremendously unhealthy and has become a pretty expensive habit, not to mention it is totally disgusting!  More than that though, is that I have recognized over the past year what a slave I am to it...I hate that most of all. 

I am to the point that I realize it is a problem and it is totally unmanageable.  What I have learned from past experience is that until I realize there is a problem I can not get into the solution.  The solution is the same as it is with everything else in my life...take it to the steps. 

Step one...check.  It's gonna kill me.  I can't afford it.  The ladies don't dig it!

Step two...coming to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity in this situation.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this can happen.  I have plenty of experience seeing it in many other places in my life.  It doesn't change the fact that I am scared.  I have been holding on so tightly to this security blanket, the negative coping skill I feel okay participating in to take me out of myself. 

Will I completely fall apart?  Will I punch everyone I meet in their faces?  Will I have any friends left after the process?

My answer is that I may have moments of insanity, I may want to punch everyone in their faces, and I may be bitchy to my friends and family, but...I will be able to find relief from it whenever I choose to by surrendering and asking for help.

Step three...made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power.  Here is where it gets sticky for me.  I don't know why the decision feels so final right now.  I know that the store is right down the road if I change my mind.  As my sponsor has said, "I'm not going to forget how to..."  I know that just like anything else it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one moment at a time.

In this moment I am not entirely willing, but I have seen great miracles happen by just praying for the willingness to be willing.  So here I am, doing that for now.

Self Pity...what a beast!!

Not getting what I want and what I think I need, in the time frame I think I want and need it, which is RIGHT NOW!!.  (sigh...and a big fat poor me)

The first place I go to is the ginormous, black cave of my self pity.  Fuck it's lonely in there, even when I'm not alone.   Luckily today, that cave feels so uncomfortable that I don't like to set up camp there for long.  Instead, if I am willing to be willing, I reluctantly pick up the new tools in my belt to dig myself out and find the sunlight of the spirit.  Go to a meeting.  Work with others.  Talk about it.  Write about it.  Surrender it.   Get into acceptance and let go.   Trust.

The result is not a jump up and down kind of happiness, but a quiet peace and serenity.  I can be useful to my fellows in this place, out of that ridiculous place where it is all about me. 

The feeling of uselessness and self pity slipping away...

Big girl panties

Fear tends to paralyze me and usually turns out to be totally irrational.  I make things out to be so much bigger in my head.  I think the worst will happen in most situation.  As a result, I do not take care of business and procrastinate until it is so uncomfortable or the consequences arrive that force me to take action. 

Can't pay a bill, ignore it.  Afraid of what's in the mail, don't get it or get it and leave it unopened.  Feels too big to tackle, back burner it until I forget about it.  A truth that needs to be talked about, convince myself that it's not really that important or the right time.  Big amends to make, rationalize again that it is not the right time.  If I pretend there is no problem it will go away.

What I have found is, I can get them out of my mind for the moment, but they are lurking out there, waiting for me, feeding on my serenity.  I remember all that stuff as I am trying to fall asleep.  Answering the question as to why I am blogging and facebooking into the night, sleeping on the couch with the tv on, and waking up throughout the night, not being able to go back to sleep.  Well, that and the stupid scary movies I watch...Drag Me to Hell has kept me up more than one night in the last week and has made me want to be super nice to strangers.  That old lady was scary.

Sorry, back to the topic at hand.  By pretending there is no problem, I can never get into the solution.  Everything is not out of my control and my only job is taking care of stuff in that department.  Everything does not need to be surrendered. 

So here it is, I have a problem with fear keeping me from doing what's in front of me, the next right thing. 

http://www.cafepress.com/+big_girl_panties_womens_dark_tshirt,190014069

The solution...get my big girl panties on and face those fears, real or fancied.  I got the mail tonight and opened it all.  Made a couple of phone calls to take care of some business.  Made a list of everything I need to get done.  Set aside a day this week to run all over town to get shit done.  Practiced telling a little bit of my truth.
 
I know all of this sounds like really basic stuff, but for this alcoholic, who had no life skills, it feels big.  A little scary and a bit overwhelming, but manageable.  How could it not?  I've got the big girl panties on and my HP by my side.