Seventh Law of Karma

I always thought karma sounded like a resentment, a wish that people that hurt you will get what they deserve. I don't really wish that on people. I try to practice what my sponsor has taught me and wrap them in a blanket and send them to God.

So, this seventh law of karma has given me a new perspective. It sounds a lot like letting go to me and finding peace in any situation when we are willing to do so. The last month, I have been inserting as much positive in my life as I possibly can...coaching, painting, blogging, service, meetings, being a present mom and good friend. It really does appear to be working. I am grateful for that. I am grateful to be able to let go, for this moment and find my happiness in the present.

Numb...

So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata

amazing...

I am so filled with gratitude today. I absolutely love my life. It's not because I have money, a great house, my dream job, but because of the peace and love that have become such a daily presence in it.

When I came into recovery I never imagined how completely different my life could be. I really expected nothing more than to learn how to stop drinking. Actually, let's be honest. I hope you people would show me how to do it successfully. I didn't know that I had a living problem. What I have learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is how to do my life differently, how to walk through it, instead of checking out. I have gained the ability to find peace amongst the chaos. I have learned that suffering is optional, as is finding happiness. Today I choose to be willing to find my joy, despite my circumstances. It is a fantastic place to be and I am loving this journey!

Surrendering to the will of the Universe...

This day has been exhausting.  First, my car would not start and then I found out that checks I have been expecting to come for weeks will not be coming...FANTASTIC!!  I am so tired of struggling financially.  Really??  Does it have to be this hard?? 

I can let go of the fear.  I can trust that it will all work out.  I know that I won't be dropped on my ass.  But, I would love it if it didn't feel like such a daily battle.  It seems like just as I put one fire out another starts.  I need to remind myself that it was never promised that life would stop happening, just that I would be able to deal with it with some semblance of grace and have serenity through it.  This promise is based on my willingness to do what's in my control, the next right thing, and surrender the outcome...trusting that everything is not going to be alright, it already is.

Okay...panic attack over.  This God box is getting full!!  What I have found out by looking back through old deposits is that all that stuff that felt like such a big deal in the moment, has since passed.  I survived it, walked through it without a drink or a drug and came out on the other side with a stronger sense of faith that things might not always go the way I have them envisioned, but I am always taken care of.

No Matter What

Not having to pick up no matter what, has felt like the theme of the last few meetings I have been to. 

Yesterday in a meeting, the chair shared how he has walked through so much in recovery, including the death of his 29 year old son at 13 years sober.  He said that, although it was one of the most painful experiences of his life and the urge to escape was overwhelming, he was at a meeting 500 miles from home, six hours later.  And what do you know, he heard exactly what he needed to hear.  He ran into a man that had lost his daughter at 9 years sober.  He was celebrating 9 months that day.  What he shared was simple but profound, 'When I came to, my daughter was still dead.  It changed nothing.'.  All the feelings were still there waiting for him, but were now compounded by guilt and shame and all the wreckage to clean up.

I felt compelled to share this story at the meeting I went to tonight after someone shared the pain she was experiencing as a result of a friend's suicide over the weekend.  Today she was celebrating 13 years clean and as much as she wanted to run, she had not. 

What I know from my own experience is life is going to continue to happen.  For me...divorce, loss of my job and my home, loss of love, severe depression, difficult people, places and things.  Nowhere is it promised to be perfect.  What is promised is that I will have a new way to get through it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, but through it none the less.  I don't have to pick up NO MATTER WHAT!!  And the great thing is, if I use the tools I have been blessed to learn in this program, I can have peace amongst the storm.  What a gift!!

Needed the serenity prayer tonight for sure

The whole story is not important.  A rotten banana, an ex, and me with two paths to choose from.  The end result was feeling like I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that would have baffle the crap out of me in the past and would have resulted in me acting like a complete asshole. I still feel like I have been hit by the sad train, but also feel like the big girl panties are firmly in place.

As always, the only thing I have control over is me and my reactions to other people's behavior.    What I wanted to do and what actually happened turned out to be two completely different things. 

Hello first instinct.  Nice to hear from you and thanks for sharing. 

I can't say enough for that trusty tool of pausing.  After pausing for what felt like an eternity, probably only 5 seconds in reality, I was hit with words that did not feel like my own and actions that were contrary to my nature. 

After a 911 call to my sponsor, prayer, writing a post that I have since edited, more prayer and more writing, my anger has transformed into disbelief, shock to sadness, hurt to acceptance, acceptance to serenity, with no misbehavior in between on my part to clean up.  This looks so much different then a list of actions I would have taken in the past and certainly has prodigious results for this alcoholic.

In this moment, I am sad. It hurts, but I can sit with it. The whole body tornado feeling is gone. I am not feeling the need to run or go out and cause wreckage. I am feeling grateful for the opportunity to practice acting like my best self and staying on my side of the street. I definitely would have acted differently in the past, but today after pausing, I acted in a way that was in accordance with the person I want to be.  On this night, I am grateful for living the promise of intuitively knowing how to deal with situations that used to baffle me.

Thanks HP...

Self Pity...what a beast!!

Not getting what I want and what I think I need, in the time frame I think I want and need it, which is RIGHT NOW!!.  (sigh...and a big fat poor me)

The first place I go to is the ginormous, black cave of my self pity.  Fuck it's lonely in there, even when I'm not alone.   Luckily today, that cave feels so uncomfortable that I don't like to set up camp there for long.  Instead, if I am willing to be willing, I reluctantly pick up the new tools in my belt to dig myself out and find the sunlight of the spirit.  Go to a meeting.  Work with others.  Talk about it.  Write about it.  Surrender it.   Get into acceptance and let go.   Trust.

The result is not a jump up and down kind of happiness, but a quiet peace and serenity.  I can be useful to my fellows in this place, out of that ridiculous place where it is all about me. 

The feeling of uselessness and self pity slipping away...

The Promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, the Big Book)

Amazed I am!  I remember hearing them read and talked about in meetings when I first came in, thinking I might get that one, but never those other ones.  It did not seem possible to not fear, know how to handle my life and the situations in it, trust that a higher power had my back or even gave a shit about me, or get over the past and all the guilt and shame I had associated with it. 

This last year, however, has brought with it the fulfillment of each and every one of these promises to my life.  It has felt like magic, but I know it can be attributed to my willingness to be willing, to do what it takes, and to try to do things differently. 

I would like my goal for the next several days to be to write about how each one of these promises has manifested itself,.  What it has looked like to me.  We'll see.  I might get distracted with other stuff, like life happening.

Talkin Shit

What a different feeling it is to have behaved well in a situation when everything inside me was screaming to do the exact opposite.  My dream had finally come true...I was approached by my exhusband's, very currently exgirlfriend, to unload every dirty detail I know about him. 

Our situation...we have been separated for going on 5 years as a result of years of bad behavior on both our part, but mainly my alcoholism and my coming out towards the end of our marriage.  They got together, I believe before we actually broke up and she was our children's Catholic school preschool teacher...hence, I had quite a bit of resentment there.  I have wanted to tell her all the bullshit I know about this man for years and how angry I was that she had anything to do with the breakup of our supposed 'happy family'. 

Finally, I had my chance.  Instead, something miraculous happened.  I paused and asked for my will not to be done in this situation.  As the result of some very good advise, I chose to email her (Thanks S...much love and respect.  You are one of the most inspirational women I know!  I would have never gotten it without you and will be eternally grateful).  Instead of unloading the mess, I was able to console her on their breakup, say I had no info on him, and wish her the best. 

WTF...who's words were those.  Definitely not my first instinct.  What I have learned, over these almost six years of sobriety, is that I don't have to always act on that self destructive, I want to hurt you or myself, first instinct.  I can pause and come from a place of kindness and love.  I can only imagine how differently I would be feeling today if I had engaged in a mess of shit talking and getting even.  Instead, she thanked me for my inspiration words and said she wished we could have gotten to know each other. 

First of all...me???...inspiration words.  Who would have ever thought that an ex of my ex would be saying that to me. Second, I never thought that I would actually genuinely care about someone that I had felt such resentment towards.  Things can change...if I change.  I definitely cannot control other people or their behaviors, but I can control how I choose to act in a situation.  For today,  I chose to act with love and kindness.  Tomorrow, we'll see.  With results like this though, I can't imagine wanting to do it any other way.