I have been attempting to write here for about a month, but have been unable post.
I am currently going through a transition that has brought with it more pain than I have known what to do with. Not willing to revert to old patterns of behavior around coping, I have had to just feel it and remember that "the best way out is always through" (Robert Frost) This quote was sent to me via email in one of my craziest moments of panic--another one of those "coincidences" I have come to believe is my higher power.
I have not been graceful by any stretch of the imagination. I have cried on the floor, in the car, on the couch, in the shower. I have paced the house with insane anxiety. I have thrown tantrums. I have had many moments of selfishness and fear. I have been very uncomfortable a lot of the time.
But, I have also had some moments of peace. I can say that I have consistently chosen, out of complete fear, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, write, pray, work with others, work the steps, get back in touch with my therapist (after swearing to NEVER) instead of picking up a drink, gambling, engaging in self harm, or any of the other host of the negative things I would have chosen as a means to escape in the past.
It has been fitting for me that I have been working on step six throughout this process. It is completely apparent to me that my old ways thinking and doing things is no longer working for me. I have become completely willing to find new patterns of behavior. They are uncomfortable because they are foreign to me. I am not sure what the results will be. I will continue to trust the process and ask for courage to practice doing things differntly...even when I don't want to.