Numb...

So...I've arrived at that place that I so desparately was trying to avoid. That feeling of numbness and apathy for my current situation. Holding on to the pain and the hurt was allowing me to hold on to passion. Perhaps what I am feeling now is total surrender. I'm not sure that I have ever felt a surrender so deep. Perhaps the numb is me not 'fighting anyone or anything', but it feels very uncomfortable for me not to fight, to sit in wait, and trust god's will for me.

But, when that is all there is to do, I guess that is what I do if I want serenity.

I know without a doubt that there is a blue sky on the horizon for me, but it's the not knowing what is waiting in that spot that had been conjuring up the anxiety and self will.

I wrote once about wanting to know what the 'top of the puzzle' looked like. Today I have fleeting moments of that, but also have tremendous faith that all is as it should be right now, that I am okay, I am taking care of the things that are important. For right now, that trust is enough to help me find peace.

'If you've done your best, and no one seems to care, it may be time for a little dose of "so what," "that's too bad," or "whatever." There's no point in staying upset over something that you can't change.'
~Doe Zantamata