surrender...

VENTING...In this moment, I hate CPS for doing nothing to help these kids,my lawyer for dragging his feet for the past eight months to get us into mediation to adjust custody, and my ex husband for the damage he is doing to these beautiful, loving,kind children. I am sad for my children that they spoke up, telling the truth about what is going on, and still have to go back there tomorrow. I feel inadequate and ineffective because nothing I am doing seems to be having any positive results.

SOLUTION...Surrender is not throwing your hands in the air, it is doing your part and trusting a power greater than yourself to take care of the outcome. This business with the kids is almost too much to bare at times. These are the moments that I know that I am slipping out of faith and into fear and self will, expecting results on my timeframe, the way I have envisioned them to be. What I know from experience is, when I do what is right in front of me and leave the outcome to the universe to handle, I am always left with a deep sense of peace and am surprised at how I come out on the other side. Rarely is it how I would have planned it, but I am always carried, with results exceeding anything I would have mapped out for myself. I have seen it work with everything from where I would live, my career, money, love, and heartbreak. I know my higher power can be trusted with my children. So, for tonight, surrender it is.

An evening outside myself

After taking care of business this morning, I determined that my head would not be the best place for me this evening.  What I have learned is, the easiest way for me to get out of that spinning mess is to be of service to another suffering alcoholic.  Tonight's executed plan worked, just as it always does...MAGIC!! 

I met with one of my sponsees, picked up some newcomers for my favorite meeting, went to coffee, chaired a meeting, and got a new sponsee in the process.  Gotta love the simplicity of this program...trust god, clean house, work with others.  Result...peace, quiet contentment, and gratitude.  It always works and I am always amazed. 

Thanks to all those in my life that make it so frickin fantastic!!

Peace within the Hula Hoop

The overwhelming emotions of last night have subsided, transforming into a peaceful sadness that I have done the next right thing.  Now, my next course of action is to wait, pray and surrender.  As my sponsor would say, once I've done my part, wrap them all up in a blanket and give them to my HP to take care of (and yes the ex is included in there, wrapped up much, much tighter than the others :). 

I have made these phone calls before with no results.  What I know is, I have no control over the results, only my part in doing the next right thing.  As much as I would love to control, manipulate, and change the actions and behaviors of others, there is such a freedom in realizing I have no control over them, just me and what's inside this hula hoop.  That powerless feeling slips away and is replaced with peace.  It's so exhausting trying to arrange all the players anyway, especially when I have so much on my plate just trying to keep all of my own craziness in check.  It's a gift to understand that they have their path and I have mine.  

  

Sitting with it...feelings suck!!!

I am having some very uncomfortable emotions tonight surrounding what is best for my children.  I am feeling completely powerless to make any changes for them.  I am tremendously angry with my ex husband and am having to use every bit of me to not do something I will regret.  I am sad for what they have to go through when they are not here.  I am feeling guilty that things are not perfect here either, that my patience is not always what I want it to be and that I sometimes fall short in being the mother I want to be.

I have talked it to death today.  I am now writing about it, trying to get myself into the solution and out of this gigantic, swirling pit of ugly emotions and self pity.   Right now, in this moment, the only next right thing for me to do is pause and ask for the right thought or action, feel it, and not run or try to escape it. 

So, here I am sitting with it, hating it!!!   

Tonight I can do nothing but surrender and have faith, that is if I want to have some peace.  I could definitely spin on it and freak out.  I like this option better. 

I will not be calling him and causing wreckage.  I will not be driving to his house.  I will not be threatening him.   I will not be acting on any of these other crazy ideas I have spinning out of control in this colorful mind of Crazy Melissa.  All of these nots are very contrary to my nature, but I know pausing, praying, and surrendering are the ways to peace for me. 

Tomorrow, however, the next right thing will be to get into action and do what's best for these beautiful children.  I am so grateful tonight that I am a sober, present mother, able and willing to take this step for them.

Wise words from Pink...

I love her new song, Raise Your Glass.  I know it's a party it up song, but the message to me is live your life, live it out loud, and have fun. 

I have so learned how to do that in this program.  I think a lot of it can be attributed to becoming honest and finding out who I truly am, allowing myself to have my own dream about what is right for me in my life, and realizing that I really don't have to spend time worrying about other people's judgements of me because I can let them have their dream.  (Four Agreement stuff...outside literature, but one of the most life changing books I have read, outside of the Big Book, of course).

So, the line from the song that inspired this post for me is..You can choose to let it go.  The fear, other people's behavior and judgements, the past, the future, resentments...none of it has to occupy space my mind.  I can surrender it to the universe and get back to my favorite place to be...that space of peace and serenity, where I am happy, joyous, and free!!

Dancing my way into surrender

Handling business,

heading out
to rock this day!!

doing what I can do,

letting my HP handle the rest.

Surrendering to the will of the Universe...

This day has been exhausting.  First, my car would not start and then I found out that checks I have been expecting to come for weeks will not be coming...FANTASTIC!!  I am so tired of struggling financially.  Really??  Does it have to be this hard?? 

I can let go of the fear.  I can trust that it will all work out.  I know that I won't be dropped on my ass.  But, I would love it if it didn't feel like such a daily battle.  It seems like just as I put one fire out another starts.  I need to remind myself that it was never promised that life would stop happening, just that I would be able to deal with it with some semblance of grace and have serenity through it.  This promise is based on my willingness to do what's in my control, the next right thing, and surrender the outcome...trusting that everything is not going to be alright, it already is.

Okay...panic attack over.  This God box is getting full!!  What I have found out by looking back through old deposits is that all that stuff that felt like such a big deal in the moment, has since passed.  I survived it, walked through it without a drink or a drug and came out on the other side with a stronger sense of faith that things might not always go the way I have them envisioned, but I am always taken care of.

Discipline

Topic of tonight's meeting and as always, exactly what I needed to hear.  My sponsor and I laughed out loud when the chair announced it, but so did half the room.  I think it's a topic a lot of us needed to ponder tonight.  The most obvious thing that people talked about tonight was continuing to have discipline in their recovery...continuing to go to meetings, work the steps, call their sponsor, work with others, pray and meditate.

I know for myself, when things start to go good, I think, oh I don't need to pray and mediate today, that meeting really isn't necessary tonight, I'll work on my fourth stop tomorrow.  What I need to remind myself is that things are only on an even keel for me because of all that spiritual ground work I have laid.  It all starts to fall apart pretty fast when I sit back and rest on my laurels. When I don't make that deposit into my spiritual account.  My life is awesome today, not because I run it so great, but because I am doing the things I know I need to do to keep myself in fit spiritual condition. When I stop doing that stuff and start to run on self will it gets all bad in a hot minute.

So, yes, being diligent about my recovery is something I definitely have to stay disciplined about, but my current struggle has been with knowing what the right thing to do is in my situation with my new girl.  I really am in love this one. We are having some issues surrounding other people's opinions, which I would like to say I could care less about, but come on...this alcoholic could have every person in the room like her but one and lose my mind trying to get that person to change their mind. 

Honestly though, I do have some concerns of my own. We are moving at rocket speed, but it feels right.  I am trying very hard not to question it because after carefully and exhaustively checking of my motives, I know I am in it and acting with integrity.  My biggest concern right now is, she has considerably less sobriety than I do.  I do not want to feel like I am responsible for someone else's recovery.  I am worried that I could become a distraction from what's most important, which is recovery.   Or, if it doesn't work out, it would result in her going out.  I am feeling very codependent right now.  I am trying desperately to find the balance between being loving, supportive, and caring and feeling like her success is dependant on me  As I say it I know that I am giving myself way too much power.

As my sponsor tells me almost daily, a job for prayer...

yet another addiction

I got home today and my hard drive was fried...aaaaahhhhhhh!  I really don't know when I am going to be able to get it fixed.  I didn't realize how frickin addicted I had become to facebook and blogging.  I feel pretty good about the blog thing, but my facebook addiction has definitely become a problem. (OMG!  I really suck at typing on this new phone!)

Sorry, back to the topic at hand...my stupid computer addiction.  I was in such a panic about not being able to get online. First, I called a friend to see how hard it would be to fix my computer because  I am an idiot when it comes to that stuff.  She said not hard, but she couldn't do it until Friday...oh, no no.  That won't do!  I felt a panic.  The thought of not being able to get on the computer for that long felt erriely familiar. That obsession.  That compulsion.  Those racing thoughts about trying to figure out some way.  The thought came to me...go get a new phone.  I went to the sprint store completely driven, with no regard for the fact that I really can't afford a new phone, but I didn't care.  This had to be fixed. Long story short, I got a new phone, that I don't really need, with a new 2 year agreement with a company I really know nothing about.

It totally felt like that old behavior.  Making decisions with only my selfwill and perceived needs in focus. At no point in this story did I pause or pray, asking for the right thought or action.  No praying happened that my thinking be cleared of wrong motives.  Maybe this was the 'right' course of action, but it felt very much like the old, crazy impulsive Melissa and I didn't like it one bit!

Waiting

Trying very hard to be patient, but... Still waiting for this baby. I just left for an hour to hit a meeting. I love going to meetings out of town. I am always amazed at the feelings of welcome, love and support...instant family anywhere. So grateful for alcoholics anonymous and the beautiful fellowship of people that I couldn't do this without.

Back to the room...praying for patience for us all.

New Baby...

My sister is having a baby today!!!  This last few weeks have been especially stressful for our entire family.  Her first son had some scary complications during the birth and has a shoulder disability as a result.  That day was easily one of the scariest days of my life. 

So, we have all been more than a little nervous about how today would go and are all handling it in our own ways.   Cesarean or not, has been the question from the beginning.   Well, today is the day.  Now more than a week overdue, she is being induced to see how labor progresses, but a baby is guaranteed before days end.  I thought I would be freaking out this morning, but having this relationship with my HP, surrendering the outcome, and trusting that all will work out just as it should is very comforting right now...

Are you kidding??

The time...5 am. 

The call...

HER:  have you been drinking?? 

ME:  What??  Are you kidding??

I could hear in her voice that everything was not okay.  She was calling for a ride to the hospital, as a result of getting her ass kicked last night while drunk.  She called me because she knows I don't drink.  I spent some time on the phone with her, but I had kids in bed sleeping.  I called some of our friends, but of course no one answered...5 am!  I told her to take a cab and I would pick her up after I dropped kids off at school this morning.

She is definitely one of us.  It sucks, but I pray daily that she hits her bottom soon.

Being back in the restaurant business has changed the face of some of my friends.  I love these girls I work with, but it feels scarily familiar to the old days.  Nights at the club, picking up drunk friends, crazy calls and texts at all hours...straight drama.  I am finding myself questioning how healthy this is and if this is what I want my life to look like today.  Where is the line between being a good friend and being codependent??  Am I being example that you don't have to drink to have fun or just putting myself into situations, that one day, when I'm not feeling spiritually fit, will give me the perfect opportunity to say FUCK IT?!  Is this what the hand of AA looks like or is it me trying to cling onto my past??

Just trying to figure out my motives here...

Too Happy...scary!!

Just woke from my peaceful slumber to feelings of PANIC. 

I am way too happy! 

My life has shown me that it never lasts, so prepare yourself.  My head still can tell me you don't deserve it, you are a fraud.  Run, run, run before you get hurt.  Don't let anyone too close, you can't trust them.

I don't want to do this today.  I don't.  I want to stay present to experience the joy in my life without the question of, how long will it last this time?   Questioning it keeps me from giving myself fully to it.  Staying in this moment, right here, allows me to silence my scared, misdirected Crazy Melissa and find serenity.  So, hanging up my future tripping crown for the night and attempting to find my peaceful slumber again.

Hangover by Association?

It is now almost 4 am and I cannot sleep...aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!  Tonight bothered me more than I thought.  In the moment of sitting with my drunk friend, I was able to find peace by praying every few minutes.  I was able to find words to say to her.  I was able to stay calm.  I felt like I the right thought or action was given to me in the moment.  When she left I felt grateful for my life, how it is today and hopeful for her.

Now however, I can't get the thought of her breathe out of my mind.  I actually feel like I can still smell it, taste it in my mouth.  The stench like having taken a bath in alcohol, cigarettes and vomit, it oozing from every pore.  Funny how a smell can trigger a memory.  It reminds me of all those morning I woke up so hung over I did not feel alive and didn't want to be.  It is bringing back all those mornings of incomprehensible demoralization...what in the hell did I do last night, who did hurt, steal from, lie to, sleep with?  I am not feeling right at all right now.  My stomach is doing flip flops and my head won't stop spinning.

The hand of AA

I was on my way to my regular Tuesday night of sponsor, step work and meeting when I got the call.  One of my friends with about 30 days went out.  She called me from the bar. 

FUCK!!  Pick up the stupid phone before you drink!!

She asked me to come pick her up, so I did.  What a reminder of exactly what I look like and more importantly, what I feel like when I am drinking.  In a few words...miserable, hopeless, and bankrupt. 

I am so grateful tonight to know that there is a solution.  I am grateful that I am willing to use the tools to get and keep me in a place of peace and serenity, despite life happening.  I am grateful for a higher power working in my life, even if I don't always understand the plan.   I am grateful to an awesome sponsor, my supportive friends and family.  I am grateful  for my life today and everything in it, the seemingly good and the seemingly bad.

Not to leave the story unfinished, we are going to a meeting tomorrow.  What an honor to be in a place to be the hand of AA tonight!

What a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful weekend

Life really is rockin right now!  I really can't imagine being happier.  Well I could, but that's just crazy talk!  It is definitely not because life has stopped happening...work sucked Friday, 'lost' more than half of what I made, got in a fight with one of my favorite co-workers, came home to a bathroom flooded in two inches of water, and our kitten ran away this morning (yes, the same one I called an asshole a week ago...feeling kinda crappy about that now). 

The perfectly fantastic part, to me, was not letting any of that outside stuff steal my serenity.  The kids and I have had so much fun this weekend...slumber party with my son's best friend, baked cookies, did not burn dinner for a change, two trips to the pool, loads of fun at the park, where I shot hoops for the first time in years, and of course lots of singing, dancing and playing of the guitar.

It could have been so much different had I chose to sit in the seemingly bad.  A quick call to my sponsor, reaching out to other suffering alcoholics, and getting into gratitude helped to change my perspective and allowed me to not miss being present for the two loves of my life.  It works...it really does!!

Writing...one of my favorite tools.

I have been struggling with finding a topic to write about the past few nights.  I think it's because everything is going so well right now.  SCARY... 

This blog has become such a great tool for me to get out of the problem, into the solution and to the point of surrender.  The act of sitting here and writing gets the crazy thoughts out of my head, into my arm and out onto paper (well the paper of the 21st century).  It helps me straighten out the fact from the fiction I produce.  This alcoholic mind certainly spins small pieces of information, half of the story, into blockbuster drama, with me as the star. 

I have found that writing helps me get clear.  To see my motivation behind my actions.  Helps me to get honest.   Shows me that I am sitting in self pity.   Gets me into my now.   Convinces me that I am really okay in this moment.   Changes my perspective and moves me to a place of gratitude.  And, forces me to see my part in all the situations that make me crazy.  I am so grateful tonight for the simple tools I have learned that have given me a life worth living.

The BIG Picture

It is so easy forget, to get caught up in the everyday events of my life and in my self will to try to run it all, try to force what I want to happen.  It is easy for me to forget that my best ideas are the ones that had me drinking at 7 in the morning and thinking that my life was just fine.  I still can't believe how insane my thinking can be at times when I take back my willingness.

The difference today is, when I get quiet and sit with my HP, instead of crazy Melissa, I can get out of my will and feel the will the universe has for me.  I don't always know what the 'right' course of action is, I am still extremely impatient to see what my life has in store for me, and my self will still rears its ugly head...but, today...I can listen to that quiet voice inside me, I can surrender the outcome, and I can trust that my will is not always in line with what is best for me.

Today I got a glimpse of what my path may be, why I have been doing the things I have been doing, why things have worked out just as they have and what the universe has been preparing me for.  It is not what I expected it to look like, but it is amazing none the less.  I am grateful today for all the practice my HP has been giving me, preparing me for what's next, helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  Grateful to see evidence that doing the next right thing and surrendering the outcome works.  Let go and let G.O.D.

No Matter What

Not having to pick up no matter what, has felt like the theme of the last few meetings I have been to. 

Yesterday in a meeting, the chair shared how he has walked through so much in recovery, including the death of his 29 year old son at 13 years sober.  He said that, although it was one of the most painful experiences of his life and the urge to escape was overwhelming, he was at a meeting 500 miles from home, six hours later.  And what do you know, he heard exactly what he needed to hear.  He ran into a man that had lost his daughter at 9 years sober.  He was celebrating 9 months that day.  What he shared was simple but profound, 'When I came to, my daughter was still dead.  It changed nothing.'.  All the feelings were still there waiting for him, but were now compounded by guilt and shame and all the wreckage to clean up.

I felt compelled to share this story at the meeting I went to tonight after someone shared the pain she was experiencing as a result of a friend's suicide over the weekend.  Today she was celebrating 13 years clean and as much as she wanted to run, she had not. 

What I know from my own experience is life is going to continue to happen.  For me...divorce, loss of my job and my home, loss of love, severe depression, difficult people, places and things.  Nowhere is it promised to be perfect.  What is promised is that I will have a new way to get through it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, but through it none the less.  I don't have to pick up NO MATTER WHAT!!  And the great thing is, if I use the tools I have been blessed to learn in this program, I can have peace amongst the storm.  What a gift!!

More practice...thanks??

Trying to be grateful tonight.  Grateful that I am sober and have tools to deal with this ever-exciting rollercoaster ride of my life. 

It really just keeping coming doesn't it?

I told my sponsor I was tired of practicing last week.  Thinking my HP might agree and pull back some of the life lessons for a couple of days, I also directed that comment upward.  I told her that I'm pretty sure that the universe is taking advantage of my willingness and giving me as much as possible because who knows how long it will last.

My main challenge as of late is to continue to live by spirtual principles, to act responsibly and with integrity, in situations where I want to say, FUCK IT!  Instead, I continue to try desparately to get my heart in line with my head and get out of this self will and in line with want the universe wants. 

Doncha know that this alcoholic wants what she wants, when she wants it dammit!  I want to scream, I've got patience down...can we please move on already.  I guess that is just proof that I don't.  So gratitude it is.  Yay!!! More practice!!