I am having some very uncomfortable emotions tonight surrounding what is best for my children. I am feeling completely powerless to make any changes for them. I am tremendously angry with my ex husband and am having to use every bit of me to not do something I will regret. I am sad for what they have to go through when they are not here. I am feeling guilty that things are not perfect here either, that my patience is not always what I want it to be and that I sometimes fall short in being the mother I want to be.
I have talked it to death today. I am now writing about it, trying to get myself into the solution and out of this gigantic, swirling pit of ugly emotions and self pity. Right now, in this moment, the only next right thing for me to do is pause and ask for the right thought or action, feel it, and not run or try to escape it.
So, here I am sitting with it, hating it!!!
Tonight I can do nothing but surrender and have faith, that is if I want to have some peace. I could definitely spin on it and freak out. I like this option better.
I will not be calling him and causing wreckage. I will not be driving to his house. I will not be threatening him. I will not be acting on any of these other crazy ideas I have spinning out of control in this colorful mind of Crazy Melissa. All of these nots are very contrary to my nature, but I know pausing, praying, and surrendering are the ways to peace for me.
Tomorrow, however, the next right thing will be to get into action and do what's best for these beautiful children. I am so grateful tonight that I am a sober, present mother, able and willing to take this step for them.