My cave sounds really, really good right now

I am struggling more tonight than I have in a very long time.  I have been lying in bed for the past hour trying to process my day and shut this head up.  I was almost successful when I was sent spinning all over again.  It is all definitely over nothing I can do anything about right in this moment and knowing that usually helps.  I can usually put it in a pot on the back burner of the imaginary stove in my mind, but after the craziness of this day...it...is...not...working!!!

www.guy-sports.com/.../caves_very_dark.jpg

The solution that I have come up with...

Hide away and never come out.  Lock the door.  Close the blinds.  Turn off the lights.  Don't talk to anyone because I can't get hurt that way.  Don't ever put myself out there because if no one knows me, I am safe.  Give up trying because right now in this moment it doesn't feel like it, whatever it is, is working at all.

What I know from past experience, as a result of my insistence to do all of these things over and over again, is that place is miserable.  It's miserable because I am still there, alone with my miserable self.  No one can hurt me, but no one is there to share any joy with either.  I really do hate that place.  So as great as my cave sounds right now, it does not sound like the solution I am looking for today. 

Instead?

I will stay present in the world.  Keep trying what has worked it the past.  Trust that this too shall pass.  Surrender this nonsense.  And most of all, remember that I am okay right here, right now, in this moment. 

Things that made me happy today...

I have discovered that so often, my happiness is about perspective, about choosing to be that way.   Living in the get to, instead of have to.  Remembering that there is so much in my life that makes me happy.  Being grateful for all the things that make my life so full and worth living.

My Day...

Before school walk with my awesome kids

Nap

Fun with my friends at work

Very nice tables

When my son handed me and my daughter our hamburgers and said, "Your hamburger my lady.  Your hamburger my second lady."

Great drive with my babies with some terrific singing and dancing

Fantastic homemade apple crisp courtesy of my sister, Chef J

Making silly videos with my family

Figuring out genealogy with the best mom ever

I could definitely make a list of my day that made it look terrible, find all the negative. What's the point in that?!

In all my affairs

So what's the point and how can it make a difference in my life if I I'm not trying my best to practice living by the spiritual principles of honesty, openmindedness, willingness and kindness, on a daily basis, in all that I do.

Today's opportunities to practice and results...

1.  Cut off in traffic dropping the kids off at school...did not react.  My kids did not hear me call them an idiot.  I did not have to flip them off.  I did not have to chase after them.
 
2.  Confrontation with a coworker...Told my truth, didn't yell or get offensive.  Ignored him unfairly the rest of the day.

3.  Friend hurt my feelings...pretended it didn't happen, fake friendly for the next 20 minutes.  Stupid pride and ego!

4.  My 85 year old regular at work broke up with me...graciously let him do it and didn't have to say WTF...first of all I hung out with you to keep you company and second, I had no interest in you like that weirdo.  You're old and I'm gay!

5.  My son told me on the drive home today that kids were picking on him at school and calling him gay...wanted to turn the car around and make a big scene at school.  Came home, talked about his feelings, and hopefully gave him some positive coping skills.

6.  Kids got up 5 times after I put them in bed...1st time patient.  2nd time patient.  3rd, 4th, 5th time not so patient and kinda mean.

7.  Made contact with someone and practiced not worrying about rejection or expecting a certain outcome

My assessment of the day is that I definitely did not do it perfectly.  The guy at work didn't deserve to be ignored.  My friend could have handled knowing that my feelings were hurt.  I still operate out of reject before rejection.  What I know today is that I will never do it perfect.  The gift is in being aware of my part and trying to do it better next time.  I can usually recognize when I'm not, by the uncomfortable feeling I get.  I never let myself feel that feeling before because I was always trying to escape it.  Today though, I can see my part and I try make any necessary amends, with the promise that I will try to do it better in the future.

What keeps me coming back??

I talked to a sponsee tonight and she shared with me the topic of the meeting she went to tonight...what keeps me coming back?

What does keep me coming back? 

For the longest time, fear was my major motivator.  I was so terrified I was going to drink, which would mean losing my babies.  I did it for them and only them for a long, long time.  So, going to meetings gave me the support to believe I could do it one more day, one more miserable day.  If I planned on going to a meeting, I probably wouldn't drink before hand and I usually heard something that kept me driving down the freeway and straight home, holding my breath as I passed all my favorite places.

The motivation has changed today however.  I like the peace I have found in my life, I enjoy being happy, and I try like hell to keep it.  I go to meetings, work with others, talk to newcomers, give rides because it reminds me of that old place I used to live in and the place I do not want to revisit.  My crazy me is kept in check.  I go because I always hear what I need to hear.  I hear how someone else has walked through exactly what I am attempting to walk through and they didn't have to pick up or act a fool.  I am not terminally unique.  I go because that is where I am reminded that it really is simple, if I am willing.  I go to give back what has been given to me.

When I first came in, I thought I would learn a few tricks to stay sober and that would be that.  I couldn't understand why people with 30 years were still going to meetings...they must be slow learners.  Today I know that I have learned a different way to live, happy and peaceful.  I have a daily reprieve, contingent on my spiritual maintenance.  I can't wait to be that 60 year old woman sitting there with 30 years, still willing and still teachable.

August 11, 2009...the decision

I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the past month, with my sobriety birthday looming on the horizon and all.  I have been thinking about where I was last year in comparison to this year and it stills amazes me how much of a night and day contrast they are. 

The following journal entry was made after the famous meeting with my sponsor, in which I told her I was miserable and done, but I was willing to give it one more real shot.  If it didn't work, which I was convinced it would not, I was done trying...my old friend alcohol and I were reuniting.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I had never really been willing to give my recovery 100%.  Now that I read it however, it sounds a lot more positive than I remember feeling.  Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the journal entry... 

COMING UP ON 5 YEARS SOBER  8/11/09

Coming up on five years sober, I expected thing to be quite a bit different. In sobriety, I have gotten a divorce, lost my job, been very close to killing myself, spent about 3 months in the psych ward, and lost what I thought was the love of my life. Through it all I have not had to pick up a drink and have had many times of peace and serenity, but for the last year I have had no emotional sobriety at all. It is a miserable place to be.


The thing is, I know the right things to do in order to get there. I have know them from probably the first six months of sobriety, but the weird thing is, on a regular basis, I choose not do them. I choose not to do this simple program which will bring me to a place where I can be happy, joyous, and free.


With 33 days until my fifth year that all changes. I have decided to give this program my all and prove to myself that I can be in the best place in my life by doing these few simple things, praying and writing daily, going to a meeting every day that I don’t have my children, calling my sponsor for a daily check in and starting over with the steps. This is my challenge for myself and hopefully my gift to myself for my fifth year of sobriety.
 

Well, I have to report that none of the outside stuff has changed...still not working in my field, still struggling with relationships, money sucks, kids are challenging.  The difference comes in my attitude towards it all.  Gratitude for practice.  Doing what's in front of me.  Surrendering what's out of my control.  I am definitely not happy all the time, but I can find peace anytime I make the conscious choice.  I'll take that for today.

If I'm not the problem, there is no solution.

So.  This fourth step is definitely doing it's job and kicking my ass.  Hello character defects and self awareness...nice to meet you.  I am not finding it comfortable looking the ugliest parts of me in the face, not one bit...same recurring themes over and over and over.  But, seeing them on paper and talking about them with another person has sure given me some motivation to try practicing something different, hopefully with different results.  It's letting me let go of all those old resentments and see that I had a huge part in most of them..  Today, I don't want to repeat the patterns that have kept me trapped in my cycle of anger and self-pity (NA Step Working Guide p 34),.  Instead, I will be asking the Great and Powerful Oz for courage,  courage to change me, because as I heard once, "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution".

Fun? In Sobriety?

I'm pretty sure I thought I would never have fun again.  Not sober!!  I needed at least 3 drinks of the liquid courage to be able to talk to people and at least 10 to do anything as crazy as karaoke or dancing.  Bowling?  Boring.  Lunch with friends?  Boring.  First dates?  Relationships?  Sober sex?  Scary!!  Get some drinks in me though and I was the life of any party.  I thought that Me was dead forever the minute I walked through the doors.

What a crazy thought that turned out to be.  Today, I can sing my ass off to band hero, dance my ass off at the club, even just hang out with friends and have a fantastic time, all sober.  Dating, relationships, sex...check, check, and check. 

I have found that this inside job has lead me to self love, resulting in self confidence.  Not better than, but right sized.  I can definitely still  feel less than.  I still hate rejection.  Most of the time though, I can be okay with being just me, being enough.  Wow, how this has let me not care so much what other people think about me.  There is such a huge freedom in that.  Today, I love my life and I am so grateful for the friends that help to make it that way!!

I feel a tantrum coming on...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Whenever I feel like this, the source is almost always fear and the tantrum almost always consists of me behaving badly, making choices that do not have my best interests at heart,.  So, for a few minutes of escape and relief, I pay the price.  It never leaves me feeling any better and almost always results in the 'big stupid mess' to clean up, including all the guilt and shame. 

For the first 5 years of sobriety, I beat myself up that this was still my go to place.  Still my first thoughts.  I felt like I must be doing something wrong in my recovery if I my first instinct was to still drink, die, or run and reek havoc.  The resolution I have come to today is that my old thinking and that dark place inside me may never go away.  As uncomfortable as that is, there is hope in knowing that if I pause, I can usually find the healthy me.  The one that can write about it, talk about it, pray about it.   The one that has learned positive ways to deal with my feelings.  The relief is usually not as immediate, but the effect definitely more lasting.

So tonight, I will be writing about these fears and letting them go.  I will be doing what's in front of me.  I will take control over what I can, which is my behavior and my actions.  And, have faith that peace and serenity will soon follow.

I LOVE Wednesdays!!

I had been out of the official service commitment arena for probably the last 2 years.    No committed sponsees.  No secretary positions.  Not a greeter.  Not pouring coffee.  Not really even talking at meetings.  Go figure, I felt pretty disconnected and definitely not in the center.  When I decided to pick up my recover last August, the thought of service really didn't enter my mind.  I committed to write every day, call my sponsor more regularly, work the steps again, and go to meetings when I didn't have children (2 one week and 5 the next), but not service.  I think that shows how in my head I was.  Not a good place for this alcoholic to be!!

So, back to why I love Wednesdays.  About four months ago, there was an announcement about teleservice at a meeting that I wasn't even suppose to be at. 

Quick story...I was crying my eyes out that day. I wanted to pack it in. I was in full self destruction mode. I paused, thankfully, and remembered that a meeting might take me out of it and if it didn't I could always self destruct after that. I went to the meeting...it was canceled. FUCK!! Alright, self destruct time.

                              Pause. Prayer.

I decided to go home and look for another meeting. Cool, another meeting very close. I drove over there. It was in some apartment complex. Couldn't find it. FUCK!!

Pause. Prayer.

I called my sponsor in tears as I continued to look. She patiently talked me down, like she always does and told me about another meeting across town that I could make if I left right then. I made that meeting. It was not canceled and it was right where it was suppose to be. I was so pissed though. First, I had been driving around and looking for 2 hours and second, when I got there it was a podium meeting and I had signed that stupid list (I haven't shared this yet, but I hate, hate, hate to talk in meetings and standing up at a podium...screw that. But, I committed to be willing to do anything for my recovering, so...) . Of course I got called on and I talked. And I felt better. 

I knew in that moment, the reason I was suppose to be at that meeting...I needed to get into service.  I gave the girl my number and started like a month later.

I was terrified that first night, but it was fantastic.  I got 12 calls!!  Most just looking for a meeting, hopefully that they all found without 2 hours of searching, and a few that needed more than that.  Some with two days, others with years.  Some probably drunk.  Some fresh off a relapse.  Some from out of town.  Some just wanting to talk.  All, however, took me out of myself from 5-9 and have every week since.  Magic!!  I love Wednesdays!!