I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the past month, with my sobriety birthday looming on the horizon and all. I have been thinking about where I was last year in comparison to this year and it stills amazes me how much of a night and day contrast they are.
The following journal entry was made after the famous meeting with my sponsor, in which I told her I was miserable and done, but I was willing to give it one more real shot. If it didn't work, which I was convinced it would not, I was done trying...my old friend alcohol and I were reuniting. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had never really been willing to give my recovery 100%. Now that I read it however, it sounds a lot more positive than I remember feeling. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, here's the journal entry...
COMING UP ON 5 YEARS SOBER 8/11/09
Well, I have to report that none of the outside stuff has changed...still not working in my field, still struggling with relationships, money sucks, kids are challenging. The difference comes in my attitude towards it all. Gratitude for practice. Doing what's in front of me. Surrendering what's out of my control. I am definitely not happy all the time, but I can find peace anytime I make the conscious choice. I'll take that for today.
Coming up on five years sober, I expected thing to be quite a bit different. In sobriety, I have gotten a divorce, lost my job, been very close to killing myself, spent about 3 months in the psych ward, and lost what I thought was the love of my life. Through it all I have not had to pick up a drink and have had many times of peace and serenity, but for the last year I have had no emotional sobriety at all. It is a miserable place to be.
The thing is, I know the right things to do in order to get there. I have know them from probably the first six months of sobriety, but the weird thing is, on a regular basis, I choose not do them. I choose not to do this simple program which will bring me to a place where I can be happy, joyous, and free.
With 33 days until my fifth year that all changes. I have decided to give this program my all and prove to myself that I can be in the best place in my life by doing these few simple things, praying and writing daily, going to a meeting every day that I don’t have my children, calling my sponsor for a daily check in and starting over with the steps. This is my challenge for myself and hopefully my gift to myself for my fifth year of sobriety.