I am struggling more tonight than I have in a very long time. I have been lying in bed for the past hour trying to process my day and shut this head up. I was almost successful when I was sent spinning all over again. It is all definitely over nothing I can do anything about right in this moment and knowing that usually helps. I can usually put it in a pot on the back burner of the imaginary stove in my mind, but after the craziness of this day...it...is...not...working!!!
The solution that I have come up with...
Hide away and never come out. Lock the door. Close the blinds. Turn off the lights. Don't talk to anyone because I can't get hurt that way. Don't ever put myself out there because if no one knows me, I am safe. Give up trying because right now in this moment it doesn't feel like it, whatever it is, is working at all.
What I know from past experience, as a result of my insistence to do all of these things over and over again, is that place is miserable. It's miserable because I am still there, alone with my miserable self. No one can hurt me, but no one is there to share any joy with either. I really do hate that place. So as great as my cave sounds right now, it does not sound like the solution I am looking for today.
Instead?
I will stay present in the world. Keep trying what has worked it the past. Trust that this too shall pass. Surrender this nonsense. And most of all, remember that I am okay right here, right now, in this moment.
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