Saturday, September 11, 2010

My cave sounds really, really good right now

I am struggling more tonight than I have in a very long time.  I have been lying in bed for the past hour trying to process my day and shut this head up.  I was almost successful when I was sent spinning all over again.  It is all definitely over nothing I can do anything about right in this moment and knowing that usually helps.  I can usually put it in a pot on the back burner of the imaginary stove in my mind, but after the craziness of this!!!

The solution that I have come up with...
Hide away and never come out.  Lock the door.  Close the blinds.  Turn off the lights.  Don't talk to anyone because I can't get hurt that way.  Don't ever put myself out there because if no one knows me, I am safe.  Give up trying because right now in this moment it doesn't feel like it, whatever it is, is working at all.

What I know from past experience, as a result of my insistence to do all of these things over and over again, is that place is miserable.  It's miserable because I am still there, alone with my miserable self.  No one can hurt me, but no one is there to share any joy with either.  I really do hate that place.  So as great as my cave sounds right now, it does not sound like the solution I am looking for today. 

I will stay present in the world.  Keep trying what has worked it the past.  Trust that this too shall pass.  Surrender this nonsense.  And most of all, remember that I am okay right here, right now, in this moment. 

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