Thursday, September 2, 2010

I feel a tantrum coming on...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Whenever I feel like this, the source is almost always fear and the tantrum almost always consists of me behaving badly, making choices that do not have my best interests at heart,.  So, for a few minutes of escape and relief, I pay the price.  It never leaves me feeling any better and almost always results in the 'big stupid mess' to clean up, including all the guilt and shame. 

For the first 5 years of sobriety, I beat myself up that this was still my go to place.  Still my first thoughts.  I felt like I must be doing something wrong in my recovery if I my first instinct was to still drink, die, or run and reek havoc.  The resolution I have come to today is that my old thinking and that dark place inside me may never go away.  As uncomfortable as that is, there is hope in knowing that if I pause, I can usually find the healthy me.  The one that can write about it, talk about it, pray about it.   The one that has learned positive ways to deal with my feelings.  The relief is usually not as immediate, but the effect definitely more lasting.

So tonight, I will be writing about these fears and letting them go.  I will be doing what's in front of me.  I will take control over what I can, which is my behavior and my actions.  And, have faith that peace and serenity will soon follow.

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