Today I am sitting at home with the kids, instead of going to work...ruff morning. We have been watching Home Alone 2, I have been contemplating surrender.
Perfect topic at last night's meeting. My sponsor and I meet before that meeting every week and every single week, no matter what my struggle has been, what we talked about always seems to be the topic. She jokes that she calls ahead to let them know and she has started asking me what it's gonna be before we leave, but I believe everyone probably hears exactly what they need to hear, if they are willing to listen.
Back to Home Alone, there's the part where Kevin is torturing the two men and he shouts, "Have you had enough pain yet?" The guy slams his hands willfully on his hips and shouts, "Never!!"
I cannot count how many times I have continued to beat my head against whatever brick wall is blocking my path, trying to force my will or refusing to 'let go', shouting NEVER!! What am I honestly losing by letting go of things I can do nothing about? My answer...nothing but the stress, pain, anger, self pity, etc. that goes with it. What do I gain? If I take care of the things within my control and do the next right thing, I get peace and serenity and the feeling that the universe has my back.
My sponsor also said something yesterday that stuck with me. Paraphrasing...I hold on so tightly to things I think are mine. Whether it be people, jobs, things, or my own character defects, I keep them in a death grip. Just because I let go doesn't mean I can't take it back at anytime. I'm not going to forget how to be a bitch. I'm not going to forget how to drink. I'm not going to forget how to be impatience, procrastinate, or be judgemental. I can go back to it anytime I want. For today, I'm choosing to surrender to the universe my car and all it's problems, that my bills will get paid when I do, expectations about relationships, and that my kids needed me today more than my work. For today I will trust that as long as I take care of the things I can control, the universe will take care of the rest.