I am to the point that I realize it is a problem and it is totally unmanageable. What I have learned from past experience is that until I realize there is a problem I can not get into the solution. The solution is the same as it is with everything else in my life...take it to the steps.
Step one...check. It's gonna kill me. I can't afford it. The ladies don't dig it!
Step two...coming to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity in this situation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this can happen. I have plenty of experience seeing it in many other places in my life. It doesn't change the fact that I am scared. I have been holding on so tightly to this security blanket, the negative coping skill I feel okay participating in to take me out of myself.
Will I completely fall apart? Will I punch everyone I meet in their faces? Will I have any friends left after the process?
My answer is that I may have moments of insanity, I may want to punch everyone in their faces, and I may be bitchy to my friends and family, but...I will be able to find relief from it whenever I choose to by surrendering and asking for help.
Step three...made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power. Here is where it gets sticky for me. I don't know why the decision feels so final right now. I know that the store is right down the road if I change my mind. As my sponsor has said, "I'm not going to forget how to..." I know that just like anything else it is one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one moment at a time.
In this moment I am not entirely willing, but I have seen great miracles happen by just praying for the willingness to be willing. So here I am, doing that for now.