Fear tends to paralyze me and usually turns out to be totally irrational. I make things out to be so much bigger in my head. I think the worst will happen in most situation. As a result, I do not take care of business and procrastinate until it is so uncomfortable or the consequences arrive that force me to take action.
Can't pay a bill, ignore it. Afraid of what's in the mail, don't get it or get it and leave it unopened. Feels too big to tackle, back burner it until I forget about it. A truth that needs to be talked about, convince myself that it's not really that important or the right time. Big amends to make, rationalize again that it is not the right time. If I pretend there is no problem it will go away.
What I have found is, I can get them out of my mind for the moment, but they are lurking out there, waiting for me, feeding on my serenity. I remember all that stuff as I am trying to fall asleep. Answering the question as to why I am blogging and facebooking into the night, sleeping on the couch with the tv on, and waking up throughout the night, not being able to go back to sleep. Well, that and the stupid scary movies I watch...Drag Me to Hell has kept me up more than one night in the last week and has made me want to be super nice to strangers. That old lady was scary.
Sorry, back to the topic at hand. By pretending there is no problem, I can never get into the solution. Everything is not out of my control and my only job is taking care of stuff in that department. Everything does not need to be surrendered.
So here it is, I have a problem with fear keeping me from doing what's in front of me, the next right thing.
The solution...get my big girl panties on and face those fears, real or fancied. I got the mail tonight and opened it all. Made a couple of phone calls to take care of some business. Made a list of everything I need to get done. Set aside a day this week to run all over town to get shit done. Practiced telling a little bit of my truth.
I know all of this sounds like really basic stuff, but for this alcoholic, who had no life skills, it feels big. A little scary and a bit overwhelming, but manageable. How could it not? I've got the big girl panties on and my HP by my side.